The Complete WrestleCrap Royal Rumble Card!

13 Submitted by on Thu, 02 January 2014, 15:40



Mark the date on your calendar; Sunday night, January 19, the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble invades your home exclusively on pay-per-view! Coming to you live from the Joe Louis Arena in lean-and-mean Detroit, MI, forty of your favorite WrestleCrap superstars will be on hand, taking part in a number of exciting match-ups, most notably the 30-man, over-the-top-rope Royal Rumble match itself!



RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton are the head of the class in this 30 man field, but there will be roadblocks. First, The Schyster Family consisting of IRS, Heidenreich, and Mantaur will compete, no doubt targeting the objects of their rage recently on Saturday Night’s Meme Event! In addition, The Shockmaster and The Black Scorpion are also entered in the Royal Rumble, and they still feel they have a score to settle with Reynolds and Braxton!

Speaking of grudges, Kamala the Ugandan Giant may collide with Akeem, the African Dream, once again the charge of Kamala’s turncoat manager, the Doctor of Style, Slick! Super Eric and Pacman Jones have had a longstanding issue, and could settle it on January 19. That’s not to forget The Gobbledy Gooker and The Red Rooster’s tiff at Survivor Series this past Thanksgiving; both of them will be in action!

Fan favorites like Dr. Isaac Yankem DDS will also be in action, as well as mat impresarios like El Matador, The Dragon, and The Real Man’s Man! What will happen when the seven-foot-seven El Gigante steps over those ropes?

Rounding out the field are individuals like Duke the Dumpster Droese, Aldo Montoya, the fiesty Saba Simba, The Stalker, high-flying newcomer Max Moon, as well as undeniable crowd favorite The Miz! How about Miz’s contemporaries like Michael Cole, as well as former Miss WrestleMania, Santina Marella? Cheatum the Evil Midget looks to make his mark, along with The Artist! That 70’s Guy is power personified, and Bastion Booger will be hard to eliminate from this one!

In tag team action, Los Matadores, Diego and Fernando, will attempt to grab the bull by the horns against two Vince Russo favorites in Oklahoma and David Arquette!

“Mr. Adequate” Curtis Axel will make his auspicious WrestleCrap debut against fellow newcomer, Korean-American cowboy Jimmy Wang Yang!

Also in tag team action, Bitters, Arkansas’ own Godwinns make their long-awaited WrestleCrap debut against Richard and Rod, The Johnsons!

All of this and so much more, when the WrestleCrap Royal Rumble comes your way on Sunday night, January 19! You don’t wanna miss this!

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook ( and Twitter (
13 Responses to "The Complete WrestleCrap Royal Rumble Card!"
  1. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    Quite the card! Looking forward to this!

  2. Sean Bateman says:

    It should be Rooster and Gooker vs Richard and Rod. Cocks vs Johnsons!

  3. Porter "Budsgrand" Sultzbaugh says:

    In the tag team match between “Russo’s Crappers” and Los Matadores, can we have Mantaur do a run in ?

  4. Andy PG says:

    We ain’t here to cause no trouble,
    We just want you to do a WrestleCrap Rumble!

  5. AK says:

    I think the Royal Rumble should have the 3 faces of Tony Atlas

    We already have Samba Simba but he should also enter as “Laughing” Tony Atlas aka Hugh Morratlas (sic) and finally The World’s Strongest Reindeer.

    Better yet they could be in the final 5 with R.D and Blade which could start the most epic of feuds in 2014.

  6. John says:

    Not to jump to far ahead but how about in February we get an Elimination Crapper match pitting Brutus Beefcake vs The Booty Man vs The Disciple vs Zodiac vs Brute Force vs The Man with No Name. The winner meets The Butcher at WrestleMania in a Hair Cut Match.

  7. Skinnyfatass says:

    What, no Snitsky on the card? I was looking forward to him kicking a baby.

  8. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Michael Cole should have taken on Hornswoggle – annoying shit v annoying shit

    Who are the announce team going to be? Randy Rosenbloom, Art Donovan and Susan Saint James?
    “Miz with the flying leg kick on the big African looking guy?” “Uh-oh!” “How much does this guy weigh? Da guy he just kicked?” “Uh-oh!” “Okay…”

    That was pretty bad wasn’t it?

  9. Sean Patrick says:

    So… does WrestleCrap still do anything? Or is the staff on vacation, or what?

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