Before we get started, I want to make note that in the last 3 days I’ve had two folks who are not hardcore wrestling fans tell me that they watch this show. We’re starting a revolution here, people! One is my old buddy Joe Cady, who used to do ring announcing at PWI events, and the other is RD Jr’s babysitter, Nanny Deal. Maybe if we’re lucky they’ll chime in via the comments section below.
Also, mad props to everyone who joined me on the live Facebook chat on this week’s show. When I can, I am on Facebook chatting it up as the show airs. When I can’t, I still post a thread so you can comment on it, with the best ones showing up in these reports.
Ok, with all that out of the way, let’s get on with the show!
“Good morning, WWE Universe! Welcome to the most exhilarating, heart stopping thrill ride there is, and that’s Saturday Morning Slam!” You heard the man – get the defibrillators at the ready, kids!!!
And we’re starting off with yet another announcement from GM and Garanimal suit model Mick Foley. He seems to have one of these every week. What could it be? Daniel Bryan as Co-GM? Santino as permanent color commentator? Brad Maddox being fed to a pack of wild dogs? The mind swirls at the possibilities, so let’s go backstage to find out!
And when we get there, Mick is talking to Kofi Kingston and Justin Gabriel, with the boss telling the pair how he was a huge fan of “Superfly” Snuka growing up and while he wasn’t blessed with a high flying physique, these two were. Kofi jumps in and says that he sees where Mick is going with this, and that he can’t wait to team up with Justin. But then Mick cuts HIM off, and says no no, you’ll be facing each other in the ring. The two then do some friendly bickering where they each note they will win with something with either three numbers (4-5-0 for Gabriel) or three words (Trouble in Paradise for Kofi). I fully endorse teaching children to count to three by the use of wrestling finishing moves. Mick then calls them “Little Rascals”, which has me hoping that Justin will start bring a dog named Pete with him to the ring.
Hey, wait a minute…while I have no doubt that will be a fun match, does it actually pass for a big announcement on this show?
Prior to the match, we get a video package that makes me so, so sad that these two are both glorified jobbers these days. They seriously look awesome, and I can’t believe such potential is being wasted by the company. Gabriel has a look that probably could get the old Ricky Morton lovin’ teeny bopper crowd, and Kofi has absurd athleticism.
What’s that? Kofi is the new US champion?
Like I said: wasted potential.
Speaking of wasted potential, we spin the SMS Commentator Wheel of Misfortune and it lands on…
Ziggler. Again. Ugh. But before we get boring, bland verbiage from the guy who is anything but that in the ring, we go to commercial where we get promotional consideration paid for by the following:
Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum, with a commercial featuring the world’s skinniest sumo wrestler in a library. Hopefully telling horrible Bazooka Joe jokes. Seriously, were did anyone EVER laugh at those?
Ten minutes in, and we’ve not had any action at all. That’s very un-SMS like! Dolph notes that he and Kofi have had “over 500” matches. That completely contradicts what Kofi had to say two months ago. So either they’ve somehow wrestled -499 matches, or one of the two is lying. I’d point out what a geek I am for going back to research that, but I guarantee there is someone reading this right now that could tell me exactly how many matches they’ve wrestled, likely by month in 3-D line chart fashion.
This will sound really weird, but every once in a while I get the feeling that Kofi should turn heel. I just think it’s overdue, and for some weird reason, I think he has facials that resemble, of all people Randy Savage:
Do NOT misunderstand me: I am not saying that he could even carry the Macho King’s scepter, but just that he could probably pull off similar mannerisms. It would be worth a shot to make him something other than the Boom Boom guy.
So they counter and counter a bit, then it’s off to break we go again. Before commercials, we get Gabriel with a Don’t Try This (yes, the same one where it looks like he’s taking a dump). He notes that he tore every single ligament in his arm “this year at WrestleMania”. Ummm…
Thanks, glad to see I wasn’t the only one caught off guard by that one. We get a few more boring commercials, and when we come back, we get a Be a Star bit with Big Show (heel), David Otunga (heel), and Stephanie McMahon (super duper uber-heel) talking to children about bullying. I was prepared to bury this segment six feet under the earth, but then I noticed that Otunga was talking to children while carrying his THERMOS:
So I will let it slide. Considering how much I despise Stephers, that should tell you all you need to know about the POWER OF THE THERMOS.
I also want to make mention of something I’m not sure I’ve ever noted before about this show, and that’s the rampant blurring of anything that is either potentially offensive or corporate in seemingly any manner. This happens on every show to a sometimes comical degree, and this week is no exception:
I doubt I would have even thought about it before this shot, but thanks to WWE’s blur filter I now want to rush out to the local Target and see if they have any Captain America shirts on sale. I have zero doubt this will be the first and last time I ever have this urge.
In the ring, Justin is doing…something…to Kofi. And he looks like he is REALLY enjoying it.
Never seen anyone like doing a massage THAT much. That hair flip really seals the deal. Ewww. He then begins using some kicks and karate-esque moves, which Dolph equates to being like Jean Claude Van Damme.
Sadly, all the kung fu chop suey in the world doesn’t help Justin, as he falls prey to the SOS in a match that was fun but that I thought would be better. **¼
Did I sound like every other star-giving match reviewer on the web? That was my goal with that sentence.
Backstage, we get the Colons and Rosa’s Way Too Tight For a G-Rating Black Leather dress talking to Natalya. They feel they’ve been disrespected by Foley since he’s arrived on SMS, having to fight goofballs like Nat’s boyfriend the Great Khali. Nattie’s heard enough, and notes that they can have a six-man mixed tag next week with the the Colons and Rosa versus herself, Khali, and Hornswoggle. She has the ability to book this match because Mick “owes her a favor.”
Probably best not to ask, agreed.
Another fun show this week, although some of you seem to have ways to make it more enjoyable. Namely…
No thanks, Todd. I try not to be totally sloshed by 11am on Saturday mornings.