“Good morning WWE Universe! With WrestleMania now officially in the books, the newly minted WWE Hall of Famer and Saturday Morning Slam General Manager Mick Foley has declared this to be the dawning of a bold new era!”
Don’t get too excited, kids – we seem to get new eras on this show with the same frequency of WCW in 2000. Remember those? You’d get a goofy Nitro with a bunch of fresh angles, then two weeks later it would be the same muddled mess?
No, actually, they were horrible times, leading to a book that is now being re-written for its 10th anniversary. Figured if anyone could appreciate the cheap plug, it’d be Mick!
Our opening contest of this completely new era features the same guys that are on the show seemingly weekly, Justin Gabriel and Zack Ryder taking on 3MB’s Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal. I like the Photoshopped image of a tiny Heath Slater head on Jinder’s shoulder, like he’s the devil in an old cartoon. If any show should be swiping ideas out of old cartoons, it’s this one. Here’s hoping we get a destitute Ted DiBiase Jr. showing up next week in a barrel.
As the bad guys head to the ring, we spin the SMS Commentator Wheel of Misfortune™ and we get…
…Kofi Kingston. Pro: it’s not Brad Maddox. Con: he’s not wearing a suit. Oh well, I actually think Kofi is ok in this role, and he’s not Brad Maddox. I don’t care that I mentioned it twice. Maddox would have uhhh mentioned that uhhhhh like five times by now.
Oh, and I should mention I got BIGGUM HEAT last week for noting there were people out there who liked Maddox and that they were basically doofuses for doing so. C’mon guys, let’s all play together nicely. If I call you a doofus, it’s a sign of endearment, like when I used to call all the listeners to the old WrestleCrap Radio shut-ins living in Unabomber-style shacks. TERM OF ENDEARMENT, I SAY.
The match starts, and I immediately take note of…
…MORE WACKY HAIR! This time from Zack Ryder, who looks like someone gave him a swirlee. Goofy hairdos for no conceivable reason other than to have a goofy hairdo, which is reason #1,783 why…
I LOVE THIS SHOW!
As for the match, within 30 seconds, Kofi is noting how Justin Gabriel is a daredevil in real life, jumping out of airplanes and riding motorcycles. I remember the last time this was discussed, and Heath Slater noted Justin wouldn’t be a real man unless he jumped out of a plane without a parachute. What, I wonder, would be equally macho behavior on a motorcycle? Driving it blindfolded?
Sadly, we do not get an answer to that as Heath is too busy pounding on the announce desk, which Kofi does NOT approve of, stating, and I quote, “He can’t be banging on our furniture, man!” I haven’t seen a look like that on Kofi’s face since that one week where they let him be a bad mofo when he was feuding with Randy Orton. Better watch out, Heath – he may beat up a race car that you’ve never seen before with your picture on the hood!
Various chicanery leads to Zack being pinned. Pinned by Drew McIntyre. Say it every week, but poor Zack. This being Saturday Morning Slam, though, such nonsense is usually not tolerated, so I expect Mick out at any moment. Instead, Kofi decides to attack 3MB and wipes them all out. And THERE’S Mick, but he’s not out to punish 3MB, but rather to tell Kofi he can’t have his announcers attacking people, and thus, he is being removed from his position as commentator.
And yes, this causes 3MB to POINT AND LAUGH. I am shocked they didn’t say “NYAH NYAH!” at him too. Sadly for the hard rockers who never sing or play instruments, this means that Kofi is now free to be an in-ring competitor, and he’ll be taking on Heath Slater. This causes Mick to play the air guitar in a spectacular celebratory move.
The bell has rung, and that means we’re back, but not alone. Spin the Wheel again, and we get Dolph Ziggler on commentary. I originally wrote “BOO!” but then I realized it wasn’t The Mad Ox, so, eh, whatever.
Kofi gets the advantage early, which causes him to do an air riff with his crotch in Heath’s face.
Sorry kid, but the old guy in the Garanimals suit was better.
A bit more action leads us to commercial, and when we get back Kofi is in an empty arena with a Don’t Try This. One of the moves we’re not allowed to try is a leap frog. But that’s the official move of Saturday Morning Slam!! Highlight here at the Reynolds Ranch is RD Jr saying, “And if you want to be like them, you need to learn 5 different languages. That’s what they usually say.” Well, at Antonio Ceraso is getting through to him!
Back in the ring, we get a pretty dang good match, and they are given a bit of time to work, so yay SMS. A series of attempts at finishers ends with an SOS to get Kingston the win. Kofi’s always fun to watch, as is Heath, so that’s an easy thumbs up.
But an even EASIER thumbs up is Daniel Bryan, aka THE DAZZLER (!!!!) making an appearance. He asks Mick why he hasn’t gotten back to him about the assistant GM position, and Mick says now isn’t a good time to talk because he has a meeting with Mark Henry. The Dazzler screams at Henry to get out, so Mick books the two in a match.
And D-Bry’s reaction is exactly what you’d expect.
An offer of a hug gets more of the same.
And to our main event we go, but before we do, let’s have a SMS Spotlight on the World’s Strongest Man. We get him throwing various giants around, which apparently causes this woman to go haywire.
I say “apparently” because honestly, it’s just a random woman looking at her cell phone with a shocked look on her face. For all we know, she may have just gotten her overage bill for the month. Or maybe someone texted informing her that he was once managed by RD Reynolds and that’s why he’s now so awesome.
The match starts, and D-Bry offers Mark a hug.
Mark responds by giving The Dazzler a hug. Unfortunately, it’s a bear hug that nearly breaks the guy in half. Even more unfortunate, it’s not the end of the match, as I seriously can’t think of something that would have been a better match. Hug offer, hug offer accepted, bear hug submission. That would have been great.
Instead, The Dazzler gets out and attacks the knee. Henry retaliates, but misses a splash, causing Ziggler to LOL. And I mean literally LOL, as Henry hears him and is not happy. This leads to Dolph’s greatest line on commentary as he channels the spirit of Susan St. James with an “Uh oh!”
Mark wins the match a minute or so later with the World’s Strongest Slam. They usually don’t tease things on this show without delivering, so here’s to hoping we get Dolph vs. Henry…hopefully with The Dazzler on commentary.
Easy thumbs up again this week, if we get that next week? I know what I’ll be saying yet again: