Ok, it’s February 9 so the big question I had going into this week was whether we’d get our Valentine’s Day chicanery this week or next. SPOILER ALERT: It will be next week. At least I sure hope so. If this show has taught me anything, it’s that WWE G-rated holiday celebrations absolutely rock.
With that out of the way, let’s see what’s on tap for THIS week.
Our opening contest consists of SMS mainstays Brodus Clay & Kofi Kingston (I guess Tensai was too busy today) against The Prime Time Players. No matter how many times I see them on this show, it always makes me laugh that a team tagged with PRIME TIME appears at 10:30 in the morning.
Maybe, but the last time I saw Garrett Morris involved with wrestling, it was in ‘Santa with Muscles’. That movie was horrible, and Mr. Morris sure didn’t do anything to help it. Probably best we pass on him being offered a contract.
And hey, remember last week when I said that Kofi was horribly underused? Look at him now – he’s tagging with BRODUS CLAY on Saturday Morning Slam. That says the poor guy’s position in life way better than I ever could. Sheesh.
On the plus side, guess who comes up on the SMS Commentary Wheel of Misfortune today?
HEATH SLATER! This could be a heapin’ helpin’ of wackiness. I strongly approve of this choice.
I also approve of Naomi’s outfit, although I seriously question how her sprayed on gold panties are in any way G-Rated. Before it gets too risqué, however, the crack production staff quickly switches to a Saturday Morning Slam Random Crowd Shot™.
So now we know that dancing goof’s name: James Boss. Don’t quit your day job, Jim.
Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it:
So the match starts, and as you’d expect, Kofi is flying around and looking great. He’s a great “ath-uh-leet” says Slater. You don’t say. Then Brodus comes in, and it kinda sucks. In fact, if you close your eyes and imagine what a match with these participants would be, well, it’s pretty much that.
Except for the part where Brodus gets on all fours and Kofi spring boards off him, over the top rope, and onto their foes, which leads us to our first commercial break. You know, from that position…
…he looks for all the world like a hippopotamus. Maybe they can call Tensai the Funkopotamus when they start tagging.
Back from commercial, Titus takes control to the chagrin of Naomi and her very non-G-rated pants. Discussion moves from the match to 3MB’s musical releases, which apparently include such soon to be chart toppers as ‘Hot Mustard’ and ‘The Child from the Swamp’.
OH! And Drew McIntyre likes to sing love songs. Hopefully to his ex-wife.
Big ol’ splash finishes this off, and then they hop in the ring and start dancing with children.
There you go, kid, keep up the good work. Learn your craft, and maybe one day Vince will have you being a dancing skeeve for funny fat man too!
Off to commercial, and…
Did I seriously just see that on a kids morning block???!!
Back from our questionable reference break we get a Spotlight on Justin Gabriel. They should talk about all the hot chicks he’s dated.
And possibly Dutch Oven’ed.
He’ll be taking on Curt Hawkins, who apparently calls himself “The Party Starter”. Not sure what kinda party would be starting at 10:30am, but I’m guessing it would be pretty lame. So we get some back and forth standard stuff, more from Gabriel who is also a “good ath-uh-leet.” Discussion quickly changes to Justin’s high-risk lifestyle, which we’re told includes jumping out of airplanes. Apparently this is safer than doing stage dives according to Slater, who notes that when he does that, he doesn’t have a parachute. He continues by telling us that a “real man would jump out of an airplane with no parachute.”
I’ll admit, I was sad again to see no Santino on commentary, but Heath Slater would be a fine permanent substitute. I need to hear more about his out of the ring exploits. They sound fascinating.
Out of the commercial break we get a Don’t Try This with Gabriel who’s perched on the top rope.
See those guys in the background? I bet they’re wondering if Gabriel is going to take a dump right there on the ring post.
Oh, and he tells us not to try his 450 splash at home. Rest assured, I won’t. Seconds later, he wins with the move he tells us not to try, shown in all its glory with no cut to the announcers. I guess he didn’t smash Hawkins’ head good enough.
Backstage we get Cody Rhodes, Natalya (thankfully not farting), and Sheamus discussing moustaches, puberty, and Jim Neidhart’s facial hair. This concludes with Cody saying that The Anvil was the original Goat Face, which causes Natty to look very goat faced herself.
So I guess that’s our matchup for next week. I’m sure that will be fine, but I’m more stoked to find out what on earth will happen when we get our love-laden goofiness next week.
Will Kaitlyn dress herself up as Sweetheart Candy?
What will her saying be?
We’ll find out in seven days!