It may shock some of you to know that I, RD Reynolds, have never written recurring wrestling show reports in my life. I mean, sure, I’ve inducted several shows before on the site, but not once have I filed weekly recaps or anything like that. But that’s all changing now, courtesy of the show that has helped me rekindle my love for professional wrestling all over again: Saturday Morning Slam.
And I am totally not joking. I love this show.
Why? Well, it’s the combination of a lot of things, both things that it is and that it isn’t, things it contains and things that are nowhere to be found. For starters, it’s a 30 minute show, and following some of the 3-hour Raws that I’ve been forced to sit through, that is a huge plus. It always has exactly two matches, generally with talent that I’ve not seen a million times on other shows (although no less than John Cena has been on it), and they are given time to do something a little different. There are no lengthy interviews (actually, any interview is a pretty rare occurrence) and absolutely zero recaps.
Best of all, though, are the limitations that are put on the talent. Limitations may not sound like something that would be good for pro wrestling, but in this case, it is. For instance, shots to the head are not allowed on the show. That’s not something the viewer is told outright (I knew it courtesy of the fine folks over at f4wonline.com), but I can’t imagine someone watching a full show without figuring it out. Now that may sound lame, but it causes one of two things to happen. One, you still hit the guy in the head and we get shots of the announcers or the crowd. That happens a lot. But the guys who really know their craft? They try to figure out ways around it.
Take Rey Mysterio. His finishing sequence includes the 619, right? Hangs the guy head first outside the ring, comes a runnin’, and kicks him in the face. Obviously, that wouldn’t fly on this show. So does he just do his move the same and force a cut to the crowd? NO! He comes up with this:
Your eyes do not deceive you – that’s a 619 to the anus!
There also seems to be a contest to come up with bringing back ancient moves that we’ve not seen in years. For instance, when’s the last time you saw a giant swing on Raw? How about a 45 second airplane spin? Both of those have been on here in the last few weeks. And if you love goofy comedy spots, you will be in heaven here. A couple of my favorites have been Rey tricking Michael McGillicutty into continually running the ropes…
…and Daniel Bryan rolling himself up into a ball so that he can’t be pinned. Poor Tyson Kidd, look at him. How can he possibly win? You know, because both shoulders aren’t down at the same time!
Somewhere, Jim Herd is saying, “See! I told you that would work!”
So yeah, that’s why I love this show. It’s goofy, it’s ridiculous, but it is FUN. That’s why I told Justin that he could review whatever shows he wanted…but Saturday Morning Slam was all mine.
So without any further adieu, let’s dive right into the January 05, 2013 episode!
This week is a bit different than most weeks, as we are given a personality profile first, this of 3MB and Team Hell No. We generally get these later in the show, but since Kane will be taking on Jinder Mahal and Daniel Bryan is going up against Heath Slater, I’ll cut them some slack. Besides, how could I ever not want a profile of these great men?
Prior to the first match we get a very rare interview on Slam, this time with Natalya (thankfully not farting) talking with Daniel Bryan and Kane.
“You both must be thrilled to be competing on Saturday Morning Slam!” she says her best sing-song voice. To which Kane deadpans, “Absolutely ecstatic.”
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!
OH! Something else I love is that I get to watch what companies are trying to pan off on kids these days. While I was fully expecting Skylander and Lego commercials, I must say I was shocked to see an ad for gold buffalo coins. Sadly, neither Don West or Joey Styles are anywhere to be found. Nor is footage of Joey hawking said coins available on YouTube. That is a tragedy.
Back to the arena we go, and we discover we are joined on commentary by Josh Matthews and Booker T. For the uninitiated, Josh is always on this show, but the color guy varies weekly it seems. They’ve had everyone from R-Truth to Miz to Dolph Ziggler doing this, but they all pale to Santino Marella, who I think literally transforms into a 6 year old in this role, going so far as to calling the bad guys “MEAN!” So every show he is not on is one I enjoy just a little bit less.
In the ring, we get Jinder taking on Kane, and it is exactly what you think it will be: Kane beating the crap out of his opponent. He pummels him for a couple of minutes until Jinder rolls out to regroup with his cohorts. And that’s good, because Heath Slater has a PLAN!
Just as I was about to say, “They had a plan last week and it didn’t work” Drew McIntyre says, “we had that plan last week and it didn’t work!” And yeah, this plan is the exact same plan as last week, where they all try to sneak into the ring to attack their foe. Again the plot is foiled, as DBry runs to the ring and Kane simply side slams Jinder for the win.
You know, 3MB really needs to be on every single SMS going forward, always having a PLAN and having it always fail. They could the Wile E. Coyote for this generation of kids.
Back from commercial, we get Daniel Bryan with a “Don’t Try this at Home”. On any other show, this wouldn’t be something even mentioned, but on here, I have to because they are somewhat unique. See, when you get one of these any place else, as the guy is doing his spiel, they show him doing wrestling moves or whatever. On THIS show, they usually don’t. For instance, there was one of these with Brodus Clay where they just showed clips of him dancing. I therefore surmised I was no longer to dance at home. Over the weeks, I learned that I was no longer to dance, play the air guitar (Heath Slater), flex (David Otunga) or have intercourse (AJ, who said we should do her ‘moves’ which consisted of her with a bunch of dudes). There was also a time where Booker told us to not try doing a spinaroonie at home…a week after he showed us how to do it (which caused me to knock over a chair).
So we get Bryan vs. Slater, and I bet this is going to be great. I can only hope that DBry rolls himself up into a ball again. That would rock. Well, haven’t gotten that yet, but we do get him playing the air guitar into a SURFBOARD!
That is fantastic on about 1,000 different levels. We also get a body scissors from Slater that lasts about 2 minutes as Josh and Booker discuss the merits of Chris Angel versus Harry Houdini. Really, no kidding. All of this leads to a No Lock that causes Heath Slater to tap. Not quite as fun as I was expecting, but still, it’s Slater vs. Bryan, so pretty hard for that to go wrong.
And as we sign off, we get Damien Sandow explaining that he is usually a POST MERIDIEM SUPERSTAR, but next week he will appear on this show ANTE MERIDIEM. Natalya (still not farting) explains that most people refer to this as AM and PM. See, this show is not only fun, but EDUCATIONAL as well! He also explains that anyone who owns a television set should be embarrassed of it, and therefore he is going to give a lesson next week on astronomy, science, spelling…and Randy Orton cuts him off, asking what RKO spells.
RD Jr.: “That doesn’t spell anything!”
A fraction of a second later, Damien says, “That doesn’t spell anything.”
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!