From
the "Well, I sure the
heck didn't see that coming"
Department: Our
most recent induction, the
infamous Iron Circle Match,
elicited perhaps the biggest
email response of any write-up
in recent memory. (And yes,
you can email the author of
any induction simply by clicking
on the shiny yellow letters
to the right of "Text
by" - just another way
we are here to serve you,
fellow Crappers.)
Were
hordes of Ken Shamrock supporters
voicing their displeasure
for ol' RD mocking their hero?
Did the Steve Blackman Lethal
Weapon Brigade come swinging
nunchucks at my head?
No...and...no.
Actually,
what happened was perhaps
something even more ridiculous,
as I got email after email
about this string of words:
"Regardless,
the most important thing isn't
so much that Cena is alive
and well, it's rather that
his scheduled encounter with
JBL this Sunday at the Great
American Bash is still on.
And what an encounter that
promises to be, as it's not
just any old match, oh no.
It's a New York City Parking
Lot Brawl.
My question: what's the statute
of limitations for a WWE parking
lot match?
My second question: if it
really is 9 years, is there
anyway we can make it longer
than that? Like 99 years?"
Believe
it or not (and I still have
a hard time with this one),
I got email after email explaining
that I shouldn't knock such
a bout, as there was a really
good one a few years back,
also featuring Eddie Guerrero
taking on John Cena, ironically
enough. While I would soon
become annoyed at the sheer
volume of these emails, the
tone of them greatly amused
me, as they ranged from gentle
reminders to profanity-laced
tirades about what a ****ing
son of a mother ******* *****
**** sucking ******* ******
I was.
I
have no idea what the dude
was even saying with all those
asterisks, but I am guessing
it was rather naughty.
Anyway,
the point of all this is that
you would think that after
all these years of writing
these silly things, I would
learn that making blanket
statemens is always a bad
idea. One day I am sure I
will learn that.
One
day...but not today.
Because
mud matches always suck.
ALWAYS,
I SAYS!
I
say this with full confidence,
because this time, I actually
went back and did some research.
And unlike most mud matches
featuring two bimbos rolling
around in the muck, I actually
found such an encounter featuring
two bonafide legends in the
pro wrestling business: the
original Sheik and Tiger Jeet
Singh.
You
put this on the marquee in
the 70's, and you had a pretty
good chance of that you might
legitimately need to dust
off those SRO signs. Just
look at them! You've got a
guy running around with a
SWORD and another madman carrying
around a knife IN HIS TEETH!
Heck, you could probably put
those images on a marquee
TODAY and you'd sell out.
Unless,
of course, you put them in
a MUD MATCH.
Which
someone did.
And
then, years later, someone
decided to release that on
DVD.
And
now, some years later than
that, someone (that would
be me) decided to write about
how ungodly horrible that
match was.
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To
be fair, I should state
that the DVD version
is actually at least
somewhat humorous, as
the commentators are,
no joke, Dave Meltzer
and Jim Cornette.
Anyone
who has followed James
E's career for any length
of time can tell you
that one of his strengths
is his ability to make
sense of a storyline
or match, no matter
how absurd it may be.
Whether it be all the
times the WWF would
take guys from his old
OVW stomping grounds
with no notice (and
thus he had to explain
their sudden absence)
or the latest goofball
angles in TNA, Cornette
has proven himself a
master of taking the
worst of wrestling and
making it at least somewhat
logical.
But
no matter the rationale
here, which was that
the mud match was Singh's
forte and everyone thought
that this would be the
best way to somehow
beat the Sheik, it couldn't
disguise the fact that
this match absolutely
blows.
Oh
yeah...and what man,
especially a sabre flinging
barbarian like Singh,
would want to be known
as the "master
of the mud match"?
Had
Dick the Bruiser already
laid claim to the "master
of the lingere pillow
fight" crown? |
Anyway,
on to the match, which
did indeed take place
in a big ol' pit of
mud.
Now
admittedly, I wasn't
a fan back at the
time this match took
place (which looks
to have been in the
mid 1970's)...but
I have a pretty good
grasp of what things
were like back then.
In short, wrestling
was still believed
to be "real"
by a large portion
of the audience. But
I cannot fathom even
the dumbest fan in
the audience watching
Sheik throw a haymaker
only to fall on his
ass and NOT thinking,
"Hmmmm...maybe
this stuff is fake
after all."
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And
yeah, the entire match
is basically what
you'd see at your
local wet t-shirt
contest sporting pub:
guys flailing about,
doing pratfalls into
the muck.
Again,
these were two of
the hardest of the
hardcore wrestlers,
guys who would swing
swords and gig themselves
at a moment's notice.
The
mere sight of them
playing in mud like
two third-graders
is baffling to say
the very least.
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As
stated, the commentary
on this thing is at
the very least insightful,
and on the upper end
of the spectrum very
funny. I particularly
liked the history
lesson on all the
other zany matches
that took place long
before this one, such
as, and I am not making
these up, "loser
rides a donkey",
"loser washes
a donkey", and
an "ice cream
match."
Not
sure how JBL and Cena
will finally settle
their feud, but a
" Double Dip
Ice Cream Social Death
Match" would
be my suggestion.
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It's
a good thing Jim and
Dave brought their
A-game, because this
thing just keeps going
and going. It's interminable,
like the Energizer
Bunny of mud matches.
And
did I mention it's
HORRIBLE?
Good
God, it almost makes
one long for that
horrible ROTC mud
match in WCW back
in 2000.
And
SPEAKING OF THAT HORRIBLE
ROTC MUD MATCH...
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WCW,
2000
Text
by RD
Reynolds
See,
now THIS is more what you
think of when you think of
a mud match: two skank ho's
barely dressed, ready to rip
the clothes off of each other!
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First
up, we have Major
(Tylene Buck) Gunns.
Hired under the "WWE
Struck Gold with Trish
Stratus, So We Need
To Hire Every Fitness
Model Under the Sun"
protocol of the late
1990's, Gunns was
the very definition
of a wrestling skank:
bleach blonde and
balloony boobed.
With
her pitbull-esque
face, she never did
much for me. Still,
I'd never dare say
such a thing to her
face, as she looked
like she probably
could legit kick somebody's
ass. In fact, I could
just see her going
all Beowulf on me
and ripping my arm
off and beat me with
it just for comparing
her to Matilda.
So
Major Gunns, you are
quite the beauty.
Now
please leave my arms
where they are.
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Her
opponent this evening
was the much more
svelte and way more
attractive Miss Hancock,
better known these
days by her real name,
Stacy Keibler.
You
remember her, right?
Big star in WWE, moved
on to Dancing
with the Stars
where she became a
bigger star and then,
despite being still
with WWE at the time,
was promptly ignored?
Sometimes
this company is just
as dumb as WCW.
Stacy
was never known for
massive chesticles,
but rather for her
incredibly long legs.
Both companies would
trumpet her gams,
and they were truly
something to behold.
Anyone
remember how long
they were?
That's
right:
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246
pixels, baby! |
So
the two got in the ring...uh...where's
the mud?
Must
be another Vince Russo
SWERVE! |
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Yes,
in this mud match, we
didn't get mud - we
got wrestling! And what
an encounter we got,
with the two trading
holds as if it were
a true blue Greco-Roman
affair. Indeed, the
announce crew began
comparing it to five-star
encounters from the
past. 
Wait...did
Tony just say he saw
Steamboat and Flair
naked?
Disturbing. |
Apparently
the way to win this
mud match (which, again,
isn't taking place in
mud) is to strip your
opponent of her camoflage.
Not sure how you accomplish
that by pinning her
shoulders to the mat... |
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...or
bouncing up and down
on her chest, but
I've never claimed
to be the mat technician
these two were.
Maybe
Stacy thought constantly
dropping her 105 pounds
on Tylene's implants
to burst, and that
the implants were
filled not with saline,
but acid, and thus
the shirt would disintegrate.
I
think I've put too
much thought into
this.
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Whatever,
it proves successful,
as soon enough Stacy
wins the match by ripping
off Gunns' shirt and
shorts.
I'd
point out that Gunns
was wearing camo bra
and camo panties, but
that might make this
match go even longer
and I'm not prepared
for that, as Tony might
start talking about
more guys he saw naked
back in the day.
It's going to be hard
enough to get the thought
of a Dragon-Naitch-Tony
three-way out of my
head. |
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Hey,
waitaminute...THERE'S
the mud! Didn't Stacy
already win?
Did
I miss something?
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Whatever,
I guess this match
is going to continue.
So Stacy throws Gunns
into the mud, then
gets in herself. She
starts dancing, only
to stop abruptly,
double over, and clutch
her stomach.
My
only guess as to what
happened here is that
someone let her in
on the train pulling
exploits of Messers
Schiavone, Flair,
and Steamboat.
(And
please, don't email
me and explain that
it was actually the
start of Stacy's pregnancy/miscarriage
angle - I've not built
up the tolerance to
cover that whole fiasco
yet.)
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So
Gunns wins this match
by pinning the helpless
Miss Hancock in the
mud.
Yes,
she won the match
in which the stipulation
was that you had to
tear off their camoflage
by pinning her opponent.
Stupid,
but at least better
than Sheik vs. Singh.
SPEAKING
OF SHEIK VS. SINGH...
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I just realized I never finished
that match. I wouldn't want
any of you to be unable to
sleep not knowing the result
of that classic, so I guess
I better wrap that up.
~Deep
breath~
Here
goes.
Singh
won.
Or
maybe Sheik won.
They
were both so covered
in mud, I couldn't really
tell.
And
no, I won't go back
in check, because I
really don't care.
Nor
should you. |
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So,
again, there has never - EVER
- been a good pro wrestling
mud match.
Period.
End
of discussion.
And
don't email me about one you
thought was good.
My
SHIFT-8 finger is at the ready!
Mark Madden: "This reminds
me of Thesz-O' Connor. Except
I really didn't want to see
them naked."
Tony
Schiavone: "Snap mare
over, over the top."
Madden:
"Steamboat-Flair. But
I didn't really want to see
them naked either."
Tony:
"But many of us did."
Scott
Hudson: "Good point."
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