Note from RD: Much like Kelly, Blade has written some fantastic inductions over the years. No matter how down I may get, I can always look at this one and burst into tears. "Mi anus es el fuego!" indeed!

When I get some free time, sometimes there's nothing more I enjoy then plopping down on the couch, and watching me some old-school, mid-80's Rowdy Roddy Piper at his heelish best. In contrast, there's nothing quite as painful as watching about 90% of what he did after 1987, when he appeared to become an animated parody of his former self. Soooo...in case you didn't get your fill of crap with Ebeneezer Piper. By some chance you didn't regurgitate all over yourself when tortured by Hell Comes To Frogtown, then chew on this fecal nugget.... Rowdy Roddy Piper In Alcatraz.

The year was 1997, and in preparation for his big Superbrawl PPV match-up against then-champ Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Piper had to get tough. He was aging rapidly, so who better to turn to to help him defeat Father Time, as well as the NWO, then the charismatic youngster, the Rock.

Why in The Blue Hell Am I Here?

Ok, you caught me trying to suppress my entire memory of this horrid skit.

In reality, Piper turned to this Rock, better known as Alcatraz.

Alcatraz: The San Francisco Treat

Located on an island off the coast of San Francisco, Alcatraz was America's most famous maximum security prison. Keyword - WAS - its most famous. The prison that called itself home to one Mr. Al Capone ceased all prison-related operations in 1963. Since then, it has been transformed into one of San Francisco's most famous tourist attractions, with over 1 million visitors taking the boat-ride to the island every year.

In order to toughen himself up for his big match, Piper locked himself up behind the Alcatraz bars for seven days. While one can only imagine the fun tourists had seeing him slam dancing against the bars, Piper knew what he was doing. Besides, his first attraction of choice to train at - Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disney World - was under repairs following some stupid kid yakking up a funnel cake into the gear shaft.

I'm sure it was a long seven days in the slammer, but Piper made it through in one piece. Sure, he looked like hell, and his brand new "The Pipes" shirt was torn to shreads and was trashed. Seems selling souvenir Alcatraz t-shirts and serving cotton candy to whiny brats appeared to have gotten the best of the Hot Scot.

Imagine what poor Piper went through. The isolation, the lonely nights. You could see it in his eyes, as he embraced a security guard in a touchy-feely moment that lasted a few seconds over the usual heterosexual male-embrace time-limit. He even offered up a little small talk.

The PIPES Bribes The Screw

Oooookkaay. Let's just keep "your way" to yourself, and maybe that new special friend you just made, shall we?

Just when we thought things couldn't get any worse they did. A lot worse. The next shot would see Piper limping down the outside stairs of the prison like a man who just got butt-rammed by the gang-banging inmate ghosts of Machine Gun Kelly and the Birdman Of Alcatraz.

Now I Know Why They Call It The Pokey!

His mad dash to escape the prison, along with his bizarre screams, definitely looked and sounded like someone who felt...I mean...saw a ghost.

Mi anus es el fuego!

He made his way to the dock, and not a moment too soon. His seven days of hell were almost over. But not before he cut a ripping promo on Hogan, one that used such innovative dialogue , it sounded like he was working for the WWF - the World Wildlife Fund.

You're going the way of the dodo, Hogan. THE DODO, I SEZ!

Great job. Really. This brilliant prison training idea had driven Piper so mad, he was now convinced he was facing a Northern Hairy-nosed Wombat for the belt at Superbrawl. One brief reenactment of the movie Titanic, minus Kate Winslet, and our mentally unstable Leonardo DiCraprio here was sailing back towards home.

My Heart WILL Go On, Hogan!

Sigh.....why can't there be icebergs in San Francisco?

Piper (gasping for his last breath): "I know my way!"

Piper yodels. Or does some bizarre bird call. Can't tell which.

Piper (grunting): "I didn't spend seven days in hell for nothing! You're an extintction! You're an endangered species! Now get that thing out of my face!"

Piper laughs maniacally.