Note
from RD: Triple Kelly has done a ton of great inductions
in the last couple of years, but I don't think I've
ever laughed any harder than at this one. I still
like to refer to list my residence as a "Paul
Christy Owned Apartment Complex" in various
internet forums I hang out at.
Do
you recognize the man pictured above? No? Well,
then let me fill you in.
His
name is Paul Christy. He was a journeyman wrestler
who worked lots of different places, for everyone
from Dick the Bruiser to Randy Savage. While I am
not quite sure what type of persona he had back
in the territory days, I can tell you that upon
his arrival in the WWF, his gimmick was that he
was, as best I can tell, a Rat Pack Magician Hypnotist
Apartment Building Owning Rapist.
Got
all that?
Good.
Then let's begin.
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Paul's
arrival in the Federation was hot.
Well,
actually it wasn't, but he did shoot little
red fireballs up into the air as he made
his way on to the legendary TNT show.
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would then shake "Mean" Gene Okerlund's
hand in a similar manner.
Apparently,
penny-ante parlor tricks were suitable for
impressing both Gene and Lord Alfred Hayes,
as they geeked out in a manner worthy of
Charlie Minn.
Their
enthusiasm for their guest would prove to
be very short-lived. |
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"Who
is Paul Christy?" Paul Christy asked
no one in particular.
Paul
Christy, it turns out, is
a wrestler.
A
magician.
A
hypnotist.
Alright?
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Not
only that, but he owned apartment buildings.
And shopping centers. And he went on vacation
apparently.
Or
at least two out of the three of them.
Don't
know which two of the three he has, but
he's shooting 66.6%. I would think that
is a failing grade.
I
should also note that despite explaining
his ownership of said apartment buildings
twice, I have absolutely no clue what this
man is talking about.
Bet
fret not, as he would then go on to explain
that he had pretty
blue eyes, physical appearance, charming
personality, right, got it, woman, sexual,
alright? |
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I'm
not sure what any of this had to do with
magic, or hypnosis for that matter. Apparently,
neither did Gene who introduced another
magician, who I believe he called "Jenny
Lee."
I
have no idea who this Jenny Lee character
was, and Gene was of no help. Best I can
tell is that he somehow garnered fame
by looking like the spitting image of
what a lovechild of Richard Simmons and
Rocky from the movie Mask.
Why
this man showed up, again, I have no idea.
He did no magic.
He
said almost nothing.
He
didn't sweat to any oldies.
He
didn't proclaim himself from the planet
Vulcan.
He
did NOTHING.
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So
it was back to PAUL CHRISTY we went, who
promised to "Program the Minds"
of the audience. Apparently this plan
had to do with a red box with a white
bow on it, and having the audience guess
what was inside.
As
Paul explained for the third or fourth
time that he was going to, again, "program
the minds" of the folks in the crowd,
both Gene and an off-screen stage hand
were giving Paul the cue to wrap it up.
But
this blue-eyed magician hypnotist apartment
and shopping center owner who liked to
vacation WOULD NOT BE SILENCED!
He
just wants to TAWK, MOTORMOUTH!
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Cue
the audience (people whom it would appear
were denied entrance into the Hee Haw
studio taping), who began the booing and
catcalling.
This
behavior earned them a verbal browbeating,
climaxing with Paul threatening to "break
your neck, you jerk, you turkey!"
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| Indeed,
this outburst led to Paul going certifiably
insane.
No
longer was Gene the subject of his wrath.
Heck even the studio audience was safe.
No, his rage would soon be directed at the
poor LJN figures on the coffee table, culminating
in a rant concluding with Paul
asking where his "little thing"
was.
Indeed,
the fact the world was denied a PAUL CHRISTY
ACTION FIGURE is a crime of unspeakable
proportions.
Just
imagine if it was a pull string doll, with
catch phrases like, "How many apartment
buildings can ya own??!", "I'll
break yer....neck ya... ya jerk turkeys!",
"I programmed uuummm!!', "WILL
YA SHUUUUUT UUUUUPPP!!", "LET
ME TAAAWWWWKK!!", and of course, "MOTORMOOOUTTH!"
That
thing would be worth millions. |
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So
with this segment bombing in a manner
not seen since Hiroshima (you know it's
bad when the sound crew starts dropping
in effects of PLANES CRASHING while you're
talking), the WWF decided to cut to a
commercial.
But
don't fret - coming up is MORE MAGIC!
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And
sure enough, we come back with Paul ever
so slightly more calm, explaining that
he is going to "program
the audience's minds."
Yes,
again.
I
think this may have been the fourth or
fifth time he told us this.
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Even
Lord Alfred (or maybe I should say BORED
Alfred) can apparently take no more, likely
thinking how much better life would be
if the Funks would show up and slather
him in BBQ sauce and hang him from a tree.
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Gene,
for his part, attempts to stave off boredom
by sticking a pen up Christy's anus.
This
is not a joke.
I
wish it was, but it's not.
Personally,
that's not an inkwell I'd dip my pen in.
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Finally,
we get a "pay off" as the audience
has had their minds "programmed"
in such a manner that they were all thinking
of the six of spades. |
Which
is a good thing, since every card in Paul's
deck was, in fact, THE SIX OF SPADES.
Sheesh,
they could have at least hid that on camera.
Blade's
"disappearing thumb trick" in
Revenge of the Scorpion was better than
this. |
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The
end comes when Paul, who has now programmed
Lord Alfred's mind as well, asks his Lordship
to guess a number between 1 and 1,000.
Alfred
correctly guesses 555, which means either
his mind was programmed or he watched way
too many movies.
Either
way, the audience soon has reason to cheer,
as Paul makes his exit, amazingly without
need of a shepard's hook. |
After
such an auspicious debut, you'd expect Paul to
be immediately pushed to the moon. Sadly, he was
let go and never allowed to cut another interview
again.
I
can just picture Vince calling him into the office
at Titan Towers to fire him and he starts screaming
and trying to do tricks and hypnosis. No doubt
restraint efforts by Gerry Brisco would soon follow,
with Pat Patterson yelling, "Paul, Paul,
will you just
calm down?" To which Paul would naturally
respond, "SHUUUUTTT UUUPPP MOTORMOOOOUUTTHH!!
LET ME TAAAWWKK!!", followed by pleading
with Vince to to think of what's in the box as
he was dragged out of the building.
Paul Christy: "Uh,
who is Paul Christy, alright? Paul Christy, a wrestler,
magician, hypnotist, alright?"
Paul Christy: "Financially,
how many apartment buildings can you own? How many
vacations can you go own? Alright? How many apartment
buildings? How many shopping centers? I've got it
all. I've got two out of the three."
Paul Christy, in the
GREATEST QUOTE EVER: "Pretty blue eyes, physical
appearance, charming personality. Right? You got
it? Woman. Sexual. Alright?"
Paul Christy: "Will
you SHUT UP?! WILL YOU LET ME TALK, MOTORMOUTH?!"
Paul Christy: "Motormouth,
please. Listen to me now. Sexually...
Crowd boos
Paul Christy: "I'll give you a boo, I'll come
out there and break your neck, ya jerk. YA TURKEY!"
Paul Christy: "And
these goofy things here! Where's...my...little...thing...here?"
Audience laughs
Gene Okerlund: "I meant to ask you about your
little thing!"
Paul Christy: "WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!!"
Paul Christy blathers
on about programming our minds. Sorry, I'm too bored
to transcribe it.
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