Note
from RD: Umm, this one has a Diva talking about
how her breasts are hedonistic. How could I
NOT include it on the list?!
I
know I've mentioned this before, but I think
I need to reiterate something:
I
love beautiful women.
That's
a point, I believe, that some people may find
hard to believe giving my rantings and ravings
about women in wrestling. You see, these days,
most women on WWE TV just bore me to tears.
Candice Michelle? Boring. Jillian Hall? Boring.
Michelle McCool? Boring. Boring Boring Boring.
Heck, look at the Diva Search. WWE carts out
all these beautiful, voluptous women, and every
week I either a) fast forward through their
segments or b) laugh at them for being so vacant
and lacking in personality. It's
quite the testament that WWE can take these
gorgeous females they have all over their television
and make me NOT care about them.
Recently,
I started to really think about this dilemna.
Was it really WWE's fault? Or did they just
get a bad batch of females recently? Maybe it
wasn't, in fact, Vince McMahon's fault, but
rather the fault of the women involved. Maybe
all the glossy promotion in the world wouldn't
make me care about the so-called Divas I see
on Monday and Friday nights.
After
all, Candice is certainly no, say, Debra McMichael.
And Michelle McCool couldn't hold Terri Runnels'
panty liner. Back then, back in the day, as
they say, the women in the WWF were really talented,
and for the most part, I cared about them. I
WANTED to see them on my TV. And
I bet that the WWF would have done a hell of
a job of promoting them in a video or something.
Glad
I wasn't in Vegas. That's a bet I would have
lost.
For
today in the Crap HQ videocassette recorder
I discovered this, a 2001 release from ye olde
WWF entitled Divas in Hedonism.
And
trust me, kids, had I seen this back then, I
wouldn't have given two squirts about any of
the women prancing about in Vinny Mac's wrestling
rings.
The
tape is basically a documentary of a photo shoot
of various WWF Divas. Featured on our program
are the likes of Terri Runnels, Jacqueline,
Tori, Trish Stratus, Debra, Chyna, and Lita.
Sound
thrilling? You bet (it ain't)!
The
first lovely lady we get to meet is Terri Runnels.
But
before we get up close and personal with her
we get an introduction to (presumably because
you, the fans, demanded it) the PRODUCTION CREW.
They give us a thrilling disseration on what
the sun is.
And
I wish I was making that up. I'm not. (And here's
proof.
 )
What
the hell have I gotten myself into?
The
first lovely lady we get to meet is
Terri Runnels.
Hmm,
I would have sworn I already wrote that.
Anyhoo,
Terri Runnels was known originally in
the WWF as Marlena and she managed Goldust.
Before that, she was WCW WrestleCrap
inductee Alexandra York, she of the
York Foundation.
Now
I can't blame you if you didn't put
2+2 together - by the time she did this
video she looked a LITTLE different
than she did back then.
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Oh
yes, Terri Runnels became QUITE the
looker. Sure, she was older than some
of the other girls, but she had a rock
hard body that was very impressive.
Having
said that, this tape does her no favors
in the personality department. Though
I am sure she is a very nice woman,
she comes off as a dimwit here, blathering
out stuff like, ""I don't
know of any other form of entertainment
where you can interact with the public
like the WWF."
I'm
thinking you could do the same thing
at a NUDIE BAR. Maybe more (well, if
you whip out more than a George Washington
from your wallet).
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TERRI
FUNFACT
Terri
is allergic to horses. But because she
loved these crazy animals so much, she
was determined to beat her ailment.
Some
friendly advice for Miss Runnels: Now,
I know I'm no doctor, but I'm thinking
maybe if you didn't ride the horse basically
BUCK NAKED, you might stand a better
chance of not having a reaction.
Just
a thought.
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Next
up is Ms. Jacqueline, or as she was
sometimes called, Miss Jackie.
And
no, before you ask, this would NOT be
Jackie Gayda, though I can see how you
could get them confused.
Well,
if you were blind and an idiot, that
is.
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JACQUELINE
FUNFACT
Jackie
feels that her best asset is her butt.
Her butt is small and, according to
Jackie, "IT LIKE AN ONION."
Hey, don't ask me, I didn't say it,
she
did.
Not sure about any other guy, but when
I go to grab me some something something,
I don't want my hands to come back reeking
like Philly cheesesteak.
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Jacqueline's
biggest goal (having thus accomplished
the feat of having an ONION BUTT) was
to be remembered as the best woman wrestler
ever.
No
offense to Ms. J, but I think if I asked
10 fans at a current WWE show if Jacqueline
was the best woman wrestler ever, 9
of them would reply:
"Who
the hell is Jacqueline?"
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It
shouldn't be hard to top that personality
profile, so let's take a look at our
next PYT, Tori.
And
no, before you ask if I had a blur filter
on my capture card, NOT Torrie Wilson.
This
is a completely different Tori, who
debuted as a stalker type of Sable.
You know that whole thing earlier this
year with Mickie James and Trish Stratus?
They did the exact same bit six years
ago, and this chick was in the Mickie
role.
Got
it? Good.
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The
very first thing we learn about Tori is
that, well...to quote her, "I like
men's underwear."
And
sure enough, that's one of the opening
shots: Tori wearing a pair of boxer briefs.
Don't
blame me, I'm just reporting the facts. |
TORI
FUNFACT
She
is afraid of water. Anyway, she went
to a PAST LIFE SPECIALIST who rattled
off some
gobbeldy gook
that even the Great Khali probably couldn't
translate.
Actually,
I think that a fear of water is a sign
of rabies.
Oh,
and I can't forget to mention the most
important part of this profile. Apparently,
her breasts are "hedonistic."
RD
is all about hedonistic breasts, even
if they're on a woman who is likes to
wear men's clothing and is perhaps part
canine.
Yay
Tori!
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Alright!
It's the love of my life, Trish Stratus!
If
anyone can save the day, it would be
my most beloved. You know, I could watch
her and listen to her talk all day long
(even if she did steal
the "Blade Hits the Bottle"
music
from WrestleCrap Radio).
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| TRISH
FUNFACT
She's
never been waterskiing. Judging by this
photo, I'd suggest that's a shoot.
That
or she's taking a dump in the middle of
the Atlantic, and I don't think Trish
is that kinda girl. |
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In
fact, I think this tape is evidence
that Trish is, in fact, the smartest
woman ever in WWE. The final shot of
her has her standing next to the palest,
gooniest woman walking the planet, thus
making her looking approximately 10
trillion times hotter than anyone else
on the show.
Two
thumbs up indeed.
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| Next
up we get Debra. For you young uns, this
would be the woman who showed up in wrestling
on the arm of Steve McMichael and left
with Steve Austin. You can insert your
own joke right there. No need for RD Reynolds
to do it for you. |
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Debra
on Debra: "My experience on modeling
swimsuits isn't a lot. I'm more of a spokesperson
type person."
RD
on Debra on Debra: "What the hell
product was she ever a spokesperson type
person for?"
Still,
I have to give the lady major props for
waxing philosophical whilst sitting in
a park wearing just her bra and panties. |
| DEBRA
FUNFACT
She
always wanted to do soaps, and she feels
like she has accomplished that dream since
wrestling is basically a male soap opera.
She claimed she worked non stop for two
years to become an actress, and that it's
very hard to make things look realistic.
I
should note she made this statement while
a clip rolled of her "acting"
with Mick Foley in front of a WASHING
MACHINE.
REALISM,
BABY! |
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And
just in case you were falling asleep
or something, we get a random clip of
Debra on a TRAPEZE.
Maybe
this tape ain't so bad after all.
But
then again...
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| ...maybe
it is.
Chyna:
"I think people are intimidated by
me, and I understand that. I am so atypical
of what you see out there."
Mark
your calendar, kiddies - RD completely
agrees with Chyna on that one.
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CHYNA
FUNFACT
Chyna
is so driven to be the best at everything
she does, that she sometimes annoys
even herself.
Welcome
to everyone else's world, Joanie.
(Oh,
and I should note that she said she
hung out by odd looking plants, and
started itching right after. Maybe she
caught crabs from Hunter or something.
She also used, and I quote, her hair
for a bikini. I can't tell you what
this meant, because when she said that,
I immediately covered my eyes for 3
minutes. Some people warn you not to
look at a solar eclipse. I warn you
not to look at a Joanie Lauer hairkini.)
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| Finally,
we get one of the gals still with the
company after all these years: Lita. |
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And
you know, as much as I've always liked
Amy Dumas, I have to state that close-ups
are not, in fact, her friends. |
Lita
on the Hardy Boyz: "Matt's the
leader, I'm second in charge, and Jeff
sleeps. I don't know how he gets to
the building sometimes." That says
a lot about Jeff.
This just in: Jeff
Hardy re-hired by WWE.
Somethings
never change.
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And
thus our tape comes to an end.
You
know, as much as I rag on the women on this
tape (and actually, to be fair, I'm sure that
the WWF had hours and hours of footage of them
so therefore, it's really more the fault of
the company that the women look so silly (well,
save for Tori and her hedonistic, dream analyzed
breasts)), I want you, fellow Crappers, to keep
this in mind: the shelf life of your typical
WWE Diva ain't long. This tape was released
in 2001, and now, just five years later, all
but two of these women are long gone from the
company. Not only that, but according to our
good buddy Dave Meltzer, the two still remaining
(Lita and Trish) are leaving very shortly.
So
enjoy your favorite Diva while you can.
Even
if you have to ignore WWE to do so.
-
Production dude guy: "That
big yellow thing is the sun. Come back in 12 hours,
and the sun will be back!"
-
Jackie: "My
best asset? I would have to say my butt. I have
such a small, round butt. IT LIKE AN ONION!"
-
Tori: "I've always
loved water visually. Always had a fear about
being in it, it started in childhood. Always had
a curiousity as to why, especially at nighttime.
And I was in Japan and someone sent me to a channeler,
past life regression. I was hypnotized, and I
remembered being in an airplane and being underwater."
??????????
-
Tori: "I think
my breasts are in the way. These breasts are hedonistic,
I tells ya!"
-
Trish (as hobo music
warbles in the background): "We have the
sun rising over here, and setting over here. This
is what makes us so beautiful."
-
Lita: "I was showing
some new outfit to Edge. I had gone shopping that
day. I said, 'Let me show you these new pants
to you.' I tried them on, and I went to push them
down - not like THAT, of course. He said, 'That
looks kinda cool, actually.' And I said, 'Yeah,
but check out these pants.' And he said, 'Yeah,
the pants are cool, but I don't know, that underwear
thing is kinda cool.' It kinda grew on me, as
I think it did with other people."
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