You
know what I miss? Holiday-themed wrestling
shows.
Sure,
come Halloween your guaranteed to have Torrie
Wilson bouncing around for a few minutes in
the nearest witch outfit she can find, but
it in terms of holiday spirit, nowadays, it
seems empty. You might say, that October 31st
is now "Holloween." It wasn't always
like that, however. Back in 1985, we were
subjected to a treat - or was it a trick -
a 90 minute special Halloween Saturday Night's
Main Event.
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Hey
look, it's our host for the evening
- the Great Bumpkin, Mean Gene. Turns
out, we're just in time for...a wrestling
show? Hell no, we're about to be witness
to what can only be described as the
WWF Halloween Olympics. All our favorite
WWF superstars are here - in full
costume. |
Mother
of God...there's King Kong Bundy
dressed up as Abraham Lincoln, as
well as the Iron Sheik and Nikolai
Volkoff. You know, I was planning
on inserting a funny line about
them dressed up as Batman and Robin,
but man, a picture is worth more
than any thousand of my words.
And
guess what, they aren't here to
stand around and look like complete
'nads. No sir. They're gonna compete
in three genuine Halloween sporting
competitions. Their opponents:
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These
clowns. I don't know what is worse
- Captain Lou in a toga, or Hulk Hogan
looking so flame-like, he could have
ignited the Olympic torch for these
crappy games without a match. |
Up
first, in this best two out of three
competition, is the ahem..traditional
Halloween pie-eating contest. Looks
like Albano is gonna face off against
Abraham Bundy.
Where
is a time-traveling, assault-weapon
carrying John Wilkes Booth when
you need him?
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In
a disgusting waste of three valuable
life minutes, Lou wins the pie-eating
contest for the good guys.
Memo
to Vince: If I wanna watch a fat
slob eat a pie, I'll go rent a Ron
Jeremy porno.
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Holy
s#it!!! Hold the porn. I just spotted
Elizabeth bobbling out of her Jane
costume. There is a God above!!!!! |
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It's
time for the next contest, bobbing
for pumpkins, featuring Bobby "the
Brain" Crockett squaring off
against Cousin Junior. To add excitement
to an already "thrilling"
contest, the pumpkins were submerged
in chocolate. Either that or they
put them in the tub that Andre took
a dump in. |
Even
though the end result had him looking
like he required the immediate assistance
of Mr.Whipple, Heenan claimed the
victory for his team and evened the
score at one win a piece. |
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Hey
there's Super-Rod, along with Jesse
Ventura apparently kissing NBC's ass
by dressing up as a peacock. Ironic
that Roddy is dressed up as Superman,
because his appearances post-Wrestlemania
have a rather Krytonite-effect on
wrestling fans. In case you don't
believe me, behold: Halloween at Roddy
Piper's house. |
An
ominous shot of the Scotman's house
is shown, as our dastardly villain
is inside, planning something evil.
The
end of Hulkamania, perhaps?
The
death of Mr.T?
Oh
no...the #1 heel in the WWF has
more important matters at hand:
STEALING
THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS' CANDY.
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Soon,
the trick or treaters arrive.
Why look, it's Mini-Black Scorpion,
along with a kid wearing the world's
worst Hulk Hogan costume.
He's supposed to be bald, you dumbass
brat.
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| Apparently,
these kids arrived at Piper's house
via the short bus, as they are easily
fooled by Piper's scheme, as the Rowdy
One uses his "candy" to
break the youngsters trick-or-treat
bags, spilling their candy all over
the floor.
Piper wastes no time in stuffing the
kids candy down his underpants. Kind
of gives new disturbing meaning to
the term, "chocolate with nuts." |
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You'd
think the kids would be broken hearted,
but it's not to be. Seems they're
not mentally handicapped after all.
They were the ones who did the "tricking."
The candy Piper stole from them
were actually chocolate covered
peppers. After eating the hot peppers,
Piper proceeds to drink water out
of his flower vases.
I
demand that the writers of this
show be immediately hired and put
on the WWE creative team.
Oh
wait, it appears they're already
there.
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Up
next, the final event - the pumpkin
pass. Both teams have 60 seconds to
pass the pumpkin down the line, without
dropping it, to as many people as
possible. The only catch, you can't
use your hands.
Great...
for the next 120 seconds we get to
see the WWF stars look like they're
making out as they pass the pumpkin
via their necks.
Up
first - the Junkyard Dog, looking
rather Yeti-like, and Zorro Santana. |
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faces are doing good until the pumpkin
gets passed to Captain Lou, who goes
into a diabetic shock due to all the
sugar from the pie-eating contest
earlier, dropping the pumpkin in the
process. |
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The
heels have a great chance to take
the event as they quickly pass the
pumpkin down the line. To avoid losing,
they have to have a successful pass
from Liz to Piper.
Perhaps it was excitement from practically
copping a feel on Liz - or fear that
Randy Savage was watching him do it
- but somehow, Piper botched the pass,
and in turn lost the contest.
Piper and Savage blame Liz and scold
her like a two-year old, while the
faces celebrate winning the first,
and last, WWF Halloween Olympics.
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All
in all, the show reminded me of a receiving
razor-blade candy apple for Halloween. Merely
looking at said apple - or in our case, staring
at a half-naked Elizabeth - was a treat. The
first few moments viewing the show - or eating
the apple - appeared to be sweet. Consuming
the whole show or the apple - definitely hazardous!!
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