With
TNA becoming more non-sensical by the week,
I've often wondered when they might be able
to win the coveted Gooker Award we present
each year to the absolute worst in wrestling.
As they have so many less people watching
their shows than WWE, youd' think it's going
to take a pretty monumental effort for them
to grab that brass - or perhaps dirty brown
- ring.
Not
that they haven't come close. In fact, while
they lost in 2007 to the angle where Vince's
son was revealed as Hornswoggle, they took
home both the first and second runner up
positions. Pac-Man Jones has already found
his way here to the Crap (although not before
taking a pit stop in the big house), and
now it's time for the biggest TNA Gooker
vote getter ever to receive its overdue
treatment. Ladies and germs, may we present
to you the angle wherein Robert Roode wanted
to hire Eric Young.
You
wouldn't think, reading "Robert Roode
wanted to hire Eric Young"...that sure
doesn't sound like Gooker material. In fact,
if you never saw the angle unfold, you'd
probably have zero clue as to why people
were so annoyed with it. But trust me, it
was a horrifically bad angle, one that had
so many plot holes and nonsensical twists
and took up so much time on television...man
was it horrible. Just thinking about it
now makes me want to slam my head against
the screen until all that's left on my shoulders
is a bloody stump.
And
I'm not a violent girl.
If
you're expecting this induction to chronicle
every single event that happened in that
storyline, sorry. I'm just going to hit
the angle's "highlight" (and I
use that term in the very loosest sense
it has been and will ever be used). Besides,
I'd wear out six keyboards just getting
through the first three weeks of it. Here's
the basics, as best I can attempt to explain
it:
1)
Robert Roode hated Eric Young because he
was popular with the fans.
2)
Robert Roode was jealous, and wanted to
be loved by the fans.
3)
Robert Roode decided that he should therefore
hire Eric Young for his "company",
Robert Roode Enterprises Incorporated LLC
or whatever.
4)
Roode's assistant, Traci Brooks, had the
power to fire Eric at will.
5)
Despite having said power, she never once
said, "Either you join Robert Roode
Inc. or you are fired."
That's
the basics. Now take those five items, put
them in a blender, and hit purree. Then
let the blender run for nine months until
anything that remotely made a lick of sense
has evaporated from the concoction.
Oh,
and then have a bikini contest between Traci
and Eric.
WHAT?!
Look,
I'm not real big on Bikini Contests in wrestling
but nowadays it's something that simply
cannot be avoided. There was the Madusa
Miceli Vs. Missy Hyatt Bikini Contest during
Beach Blast '92 (that's for another day)
and various bikini contests in the WWE that
were used to get over their "Divas"
that couldn't do much else but stand in
the ring, maybe shimmy around like they're
at the strip club and hopefully not open
their mouths to attempt to speak.
All
those events had something in common: they
involved only women. Because, you know,
90% of the audience is males. Makes sense,
right? Well leave it to TNA to deviate from
that pattern and feature a bikini contest
featuring one woman and one man. Oh, and
broadcast it, not on free tv where you can
watch and it will fade from memory, but
on Pay-Per-View where it will be documented
and recorded in the an(n)als of history.
| Ok,
ok...I do have to mention one thing
before I get to the bikini contest.
Roode and Young had about a thousand
matches prior to it, one of which
featured Eric in a turkey suit.
Yes,
a turkey suit.
You
want to know why Terry Taylor never
got over as the Red Rooster? He didn't
have a giant feathered tail coming
out his anus as he mounted guys as
he pinned them (as Young does to Roode
here). |
|
| |
This
overwhelming display of love from
the fans for Eric makes Robert Roode
SO jealous and flustered that he
verbally berates his valet, Ms.
Traci Brooks and says that Eric
Young is so beloved by all, he could
even beat Ms. Brooks in Bikini Contest.
I
want you to stop and read that sentence.
Does that make any sense at all
to you?
No?
Good.
WELCOME
TO THIS ANGLE.
Now,
Roode just threw that notion out
there as a joke but Ms. Brooks decides
to prove a point to her abusive
brute of a boss
|
Sure
enough, TNA interviewer Leticia
bounces down the hallway, JUST in
time to catch Ms. Brooks challenging
Eric to a contest at Turning Point
on PPV that he MUST accept or he's....FIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRED.
Hey, get outta here, Vince, you're
not allowed on Spike TV anymore.
Now I'd think that Ms. Brooks would
challenge him to a Texas chili cook-off
or quilting competition. Maybe a
foot race with the eggs on spoons
but no, she challenges Eric to the
aforementioned BIKINI contest.
This is the start of the RUSSO regime
at TNA so strap in kids, cause we're
about to get some high brow comedy
here.
|
|
| |
Backstage,
Jeremy "Eraserhead" Borash
is with Eric in his manly pink terry
cloth robe. Or maybe he threw a
red shirt in with all the whites.
Either way, Jeremy says that Ms.
Brooks is willing to do ANYTHING
to win this competition, even if
it means reading Twilight all the
way through and then burning the
pages to send this piece of awful
literature back to Hell.
Ok,
so he didn't really say that and
it has NOTHING to do with the issue
at hand but it couldn't hurt at
all and I HIGHLY recommend the second
part.
|
Jeremy
gives Eric a pep talk by saying
the audience is behind him all the
way and to MAN UP so he can win
this bikini contest!
Oh the disparity in this situation
is giving me a case of the giggles.
Cause ya see, he's a GUY and he's
in a BIKINI contest, which is traditionally
partaken in by WOMEN and...
and...
eh,
Russo, you SUCK.
|
|
| |
More
hilarity as Eric flashes Jeremy.
Show
me the bug eyes, Jeremy! I heard
you learned that from Don Knotts
on Three's Company!
|
|
What Jeremy doesn't tell you is that
Eric is showing him the souls of his
former bikini contest opponents ala
Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare
On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors.
Yes, a tough competition is certainly
ahead. |
|
| |
You
know what can convince a crowd that
this is a 100% legit bikini contest?
INFLATABLE
PALM TREES.
|
Already
nervous, Eric comes out to the ring
and is startled by his own pyro.
I'd like to think when I'm afraid,
I don't look like a blow up doll.
|
|
| |
If
there's one thing you can count on
with TNA fans, it's thought provoking
signs. For instance, this one.
Maybe
the guy will get lucky and she'll
do Sam Kinison's Gay Necrophilia routine.
That's
offensive. |
With
the pre-game out of the way, we
get down to bidness, as Traci does
her striptease dance and reveals...well...something
that is decidely NOT a bikini.
Slutty
mobster skank underwear, maybe,
but not a bikini.
Isn't a bikini something you wear
under water, and not what your husband
with connections catches you in
when you're porking one of the Corleone
brothers?
|
|
| |
Alright,
maybe I'm just picking nits here
but Eric is up next and boy does
he look uncomfy. Join the crowd,
kid. It's like watching your friend's
mentally handicapped little brother
being forced to strip in front of
everyone.
We've
all been there, I'm sure.
|
Thankfully
(I guess), Eric warms up with crowd
encouragement and does a little
shake shake to the stripping music
then THROWS off his robe to reveal
a slumber party-size t-shirt with
a bikini drawn on it.
Where's
Krankor
when you need him?
Or
Al?
(Note
from RD: Sorry, best I can do is
these
guys.)
|
|
|
Robert
Roode IMMEDIATELY cries foul, proclaiming
that that is not a real bikini.
Now
let me get this straight. He wants
to see his hated foe wearing LESS?
What
kind of bad guy is he?
|
Regardless,
Eric takes off the shirt and reveals
Spongebob boxer-briefs, which makes
the audience laugh themselves silly
like it is the funniest thing they
have EVER seen.
I
love Spongebob and his undersea
pals as much as the next person
but I think these people need to
get out more.
|
|
| |
The ref says those aren't considered
a bikini either, so he's just about
to award the contest to Ms. Brooks
when Eric begs for another chance.
And,
of course, he it because God forbid
this segment should, you know, END.
|
| Eric
puts himself in deep concentration
like he's about to break a board with
his junk... |
|
| |
...then
strips off to reveal Spongebob briefs.
Maybe
it's just me, but I thought the
theme song went "Who lives
in a pineapple under the sea",
not "Who lives in a pineapple
up Eric Young's ass."
But
hey, it's not just Eric's backside
we're "treated" to, but
a buffalo shot as well.
A
word of friendly advice, gang: the
next time you try to prove to your
family that wrestling ISN'T gay,
please do not show them this footage.
|
| Ms.
Brooks is in shock as Eric Young dazzles
the crowd with his area. I'm not kidding,
they're cheering and applauding like
the home team just won their first
World Series in 100 years...and Eric
Young used his weiner to hit the series-winning
home run out of the park.
I
better stop. Might give Russo ideas. |
|
| |
The
audience now must choose the winner
by their applause. Well this contest
shouldn't be hard to judge. "We
love Spongebob!! We love Eric!!
We love male bulge!!", shouts
the crowd.
|
Eric
and his lower half is indeed declared
the winner but not before Robert
Roode takes out his frustrations
on poor little Eric.
I
hope he doesn't hit him with that
blow up palm tree!
|
|
| |
But
Eric escapes and mocks Roode on
his way back to the dressing rooms
while trying to leave with his dignity.
|
Dude,
it's TNA.
Check
your dignity at the door.
|
