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Note
from RD: We've done some stupid sound edits over
the years, but the one at the end of this clip
may well be my favorite ever.
So
ever since we posted our
goofball video response to Damien Demento,
I've been innundated with emails about The Ken
Patera Story, the "book" I was enjoying
when Mr. Braxton so rudely interrupted me. After
weeks of putting it off, after inducting everything
from "Gator" Scott Hall to Triple H's
Dinner with Mantaur, I can put it off no longer.
And
hey, it can't be any worse than See No Evil.
Oh,
and before I get too fer along, let me state that
when I refer to "The Ken Patera Story",
I'm not making reference to the alleged book (which
some have claimed even exists) or the Coliseum
video release. We're covering the angle here,
not the tape. Suffice to say that the tape is
basically the storyline in VHS-format, complete
with various matches with various WWF opponents.
I won't really elaborate more than this, because
really, what could I add to such mat classics
as Patera vs. Jimmy Jack Funk or Patera vs. Frankie
Lane?
For
those newcomers 'round these parts, Ken Patera
was indeed an Olympian, participating in the 1972
games. According to Wikipedia, "He was arguably
the last American to excel at weightlifting on
an international level. He was a serious competitor
to the Soviet legend Vasily Alexeev at the 1972
Summer Olympics, but he failed to total and was
not among the medal recipients. After the press
(a lift Patera was disproportionately talented
in) was eliminated from competition, Patera's
weightlifting career was over."
(I
suppose I should note that even though this is
from the same Wikipedia that has pronounced me
dead more times than I can count and once claimed
King Kong was actually a real live giant ape who
starred in a series of action adventure films,
we'll take this one at face value.)
So
what was a former world's strongest man to do
now that his career was at an end? Well, what
every other former world's strongest man does:
become a pro wrestler.
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And
make no mistake about it - Patera was one
bad mofo. You want to know just how tough
he was? Then take a look at that hairdo.
Seriously, could a 98-pound weakling pull
that off? Of course not, because it looks
stupid.
But
when you have gold medals around your neck
from various weightlifting events, it's
a different story. Heck, even today I bet
there's not a single soul reading this that
would walk up to Patera and say, "Ken,
that hairdo you had back in 1984 looked
really queer."
Because
Patera, even in his mid 60's, would likely
bend your ass into a pretzel. |
Don't
believe me? Then you should hunt down
some footage of him during various strong
man competitions. I won't bore you again
with my love for these events (I gushed
enough a few months back in the Bill Kazmeier
induction), but suffice to say that if
a dude can stop a van from running into
a wall just by sticking his foot in the
grill and his ass against the concrete?
NOT
someone you want to mess with.
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He
also had one of the coolest finishers
I've ever seen: the swinging full-nelson.
Why no one has stolen that one over the
years is beyond me.
Well,
except for the fact that you probably
would literally crack some vertebrae flinging
a guy around by the neck in the air like
that.
But
life wasn't all roses and Intercontinental
titles for Patera, as he would soon fall
under the influence of this man:
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Your
friend and mine, Bobby "The Brain"
Heenan.
And
that would lead to disaster.
Not
disaster in the sense that he lost matches.
Not disaster in the sense that he made
a lot of enemies. No no - disaster in
the sense he would wind up...
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...IN
THE BIG HOUSE.
Seriously,
he wound up going to literally going to
prison, up the river, in the pokey. This
wasn't a joke, it wasn't a storyline.
The guy actually spent two years in the
slammer for heaving a boulder through
a McDonald's window.
But
it wasn't his fault, you see. It was because
his mind had been warped by that no-good
Weasel!
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Now
I know what you are thinking. You're thinking
this is absurd and even the WWF couldn't
have put something like this together
to sell to its fans.
Don't
believe me?
Then
take it away, Mean Gene! 
I
love that recount, especially where Gene
refers to, and I quote, "a hungry
Ken Patera", like he hadn't eaten
in three weeks.
I'm
sorry, Gene, continue
please.
Yeah,
rapists and murders get no jail time at
all! Why did poor Ken Patera get locked
away? The poor dude just wanted something
to eat!
He
was HUNGRY, you know!
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I'm
sorry, Gene. Please
ramble on.
I'm
not quite sure what is more baffling:
Patera claiming that he shouldn't have
listened to Heenan (which apparently led
to his outside the ring antics) or Gene
asking if it was the fault of the JUDICIAL
SYSTEM.
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Soon
enough, Ken was once again a free man,
a free man with one thing on his mind:
destroy the man who put him behind bars:
Bobby Heenan.
Ok,
wait, time out.
I
remember watching this storyline play
out in 1987 and thinking, "This makes
absolutely no sense. Bobby Heenan wasn't
even there the night Patera launched that
boulder through the McDonald's window.
How the heck is HE to blame in all this?"
I've
spent day and night the last 21 years
pondering this, and I still have no answer.
On
the plus side, I do remember the jammin'
tune
that played in the background whilst Patera
threatened Heenan's life in the comeback
vignettes.
Note
to Van Halen: you want to make it back
to the big time? Remake that for the new
album.
Eddie
Van Halen guitar + Ken Patera rapping
= octtuple platinum, baby.
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Soon
enough, Patera was able to get face to
face with Heenan in the form of a verbal
debate.
All
I can say is that we need more verbal
debates in wrestling. Remember Scott Steiner
vs. Harvard Chris? Those were good times.
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And
this one was a dandy, as Patera plead
his case about Heenan "selling him
down the river" and how he never
visited him while in prison.
"I
had a lot of time to think of the Bobby
Heenan types of this world," Patera
continued. "Types
like yourself!"
Can't
argue with Ken there - Bobby Heenan would,
in fact, be a Bobby Heenan type.
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And
"The Brain" was ready with his
rebuttal.
Sadly,
though, it was so obscene that it was
replaced with what I believe was Morse
Code.
Or
maybe it was a CurseTrolla, I'm not sure.
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Soon
enough, Patera had heard enough, and proceeded
to wrap a belt around his neck and whip
him across the ring.
Remember
when Heenan wore that neckbrace forever?
This was why.
And
I wouldn't be at all surprised if his real
life neck issues started from this. Just
brutal. |
Heenan
would get his revenge shortly thereafter,
proceeding to have all his family members
just whip the ever lovin' hell out of the
guy. |
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I
have to admit: even with the patently absurd premise
on which this feud was predicated, the debate
really fueled the fire, and the whipping was like
hitting it with a flame thrower. Surely this would
be a killer feud for months to come.
Except
it wasn't. Patera, who was never the greatest
technician in the ring, came back in a completely
limited manner. Still, as this was the era when
"completely limited" didn't prevent
you from being a main event star, there was a
chance for Patera to reach the very tippy top
of the company. But then he injured his bicep,
and was on the shelf for months. By the time he
came back, the feud was dead, and so was Patera's
career, as it never recovered.
Maybe
he should blame that on the Brain too.
Couldn't
be any stupider than blaming him for winding up
in prison.
Which,
of course, he really should have blamed on being
hungry.
So
very, very hungry.
"Mean Gene" Okerlund: "The true
tragedy began innocently enough. Late, on a snowy
night, in Wakesha, Wisconsin, when a hungry Ken
Patera went to a fast food restaurant after a
grueling match. According to newspaper reports,
Ken Patera was denied service, told the restaurant
was closed for the night. It is alleged that Ken
Patera and a co-defendant threw a rock through
the restaurant window, resulting in a call to
the police."
"Mean Gene": "Patera was arrested,
and charged with a felony. He went to trial and
was found guilty. In these days of rapists, kidnappers,
and murderers plea bargaining for a fraction of
their sentences or even getting off scott-free,
Patera was sentenced to two years in prison. There
were many who felt that a first time offender,
a man who had represented his country, should
not have received such a harsh sentence."
"Mean Gene": "Who's to blame? The
judicial system? Society? Or does Ken Patera bear
the full brunt on his own wide shoulders? Let
Ken Patera tell you."
Ken
Patera: "I accept full responsibility for
my actions. I should have never listened to Bobby
Heenan!"
Wicked rock music plays while Ken Patera screams.
Patera: "As I was sitting in prison, WEASEL...I
had a lot of time to think about the Bobby Heenan
types of this world. Types like yourself!"
Bobby Heenan: "You listen up, EX-CON, and
you listen good! This isn't something just coming
out of my mouth, it's not something I dreamed
up. It is a...BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"
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