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WCW,
1993
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by RD Reynolds
Superbrawl III was to have a strap match between Sting and Big Van Vader. Simple enough, right? Well, of course not. Seee, since the two had fought many times before (and even more times after), WCW felt the need to turn up the heat on the match. Therefore, they filmed a promo for it, with the plot being that Vader was inviting Sting to come to his lair to "play a game".
And the name of Vader's lair?
"The White Castle of Fear."
Now, if you're like the Wrestlecrap staff, there's nothing quite as bonechilling as the prospect of spending time at the local White Castle. I mean, sure, they're tasty and all, and we all have to have an "Around the World" (that's a White Castle Burger, a Fish Sandwich, a Chicken Sandwich, a small fry, and a small onion chip with a large Coke) at least once a year. But is it really worth sitting on the commode for the rest of the day?
Oh wait! Vader's White Castle isn't really a restaurant at all! It's really a CASTLE. And it's really SCARY. Or at least that's what WCW would have us believe. In fact, they were kind enough to ship us this storyboard:
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Ok, stop right there. It just hit me how absurd it is that I keep tapping out "White Castle of Fear." I feel stupid for even TYPING it, yet some brain surgeon in WCW actually CAME UP WITH THIS AND THOUGHT IT WOULD DRAW MONEY. Thanks, I feel much better. |
| Along the way, Sting begins to second guess whether he should have accepted the invitation. He wonders - maybe it's a trap? Yay! Confetti! |
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At some point, Sting realizes he doesn't know where the White Castle of Fear is, thus proving himself once again to be the world's dumbest babyface. Fortunately
for our hero, the
pilot spots it. |
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Sting enters, and finds a feast, with Vader's steam spewing helmet in place of the pig with an apple in its mouth.
(No delicious tiny hamburgers, mind you, but a decent feast nonetheless.) Say what you will about Vader, but gosh darn it, it sure was nice of him to feed the Stinger before pummeling him. |
| There's also a bunch of harlots hanging about eating fruit for some reason. Hey, don't ask me. Anyway, they start hitting on the Stinger, who is apparently quite the ladies man. And, of course, no 1993 WCW stupidity would be complete without... |
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| Vader
shows up in a fine mood, and laughs at Sting.
Then, shortly after being so happy, he screams so loud as to break a mirror (so that explains his WWF stint). You know how loud you have to scream to break a mirror? Leon White does, baby! |
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| ...the
joke really sucks, but Harley laughs anyway.
Good ol' Harley Race, always there for the pity laugh. |
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Eventually, after all this nonsense, we are treated to some real action!
Well, we're actually just treated to even more nonsense, as Vader challenges the Stinger to an old fashioned TUG OF WAR!
The biased crowd chants for Vader! Vader pulls Sting towards the fire!
Vader pulls!
Sting Pulls!
Vader Pulls!
Sting Pulls!
And then...
A BIG EXPLOSION!
And, um, yeah, that was about it.
The most astonishing thing about this to me wasn't the sheer stupidity of it all, but rather that the good folks that make the tiny burgers never sued WCW for defamation of character!
