The film's "plot", as it were, is that a space agency has sent three of their top agents down to protect the earth. The trio have ditched their default ET forms to become "hot chicks". Why, you ask? Because according to the narrator, "hot chicks have it easy."

And right there, we get out first life lesson of the day, one specifically for all the young girls out there: if you're a hot chick, life's all sunshine and lollipops.

If you're some fat pudgeball troll, well...no sunshine.

Presumably, though, you could have all the lollipops you want. You are a pudgeball, after all.

But no sunshine.

Anyway, after an intro featuring drawings of three "hot chicks" that wouldn't warrant even a reject letter from the Draw Tippy folks, we get a true sci-fi intro.

Eventually the pig and some weird sperm looking thing crash land on earth. Following a discussion of what to turn into, including a debate on whether humans or cats are the dominant species on the planet, we see the emergence of our heroes, Anna Nicole and two more of the skankiest skanks this side of a Diva Search.

Actually, I take that back - at least the crack ho's WWE finds are somewhat attractive.

These three look like rejects at a Boise gold club amateurs night.

Anyway, it seems the threesome has arrived on earth to stop the most evil of all beings in the galaxy:

...or stock footage of buildings imploding, all thanks to the miracle of stock footage.

Seriously, they use so much stock footage in this film they really should have dedicated it to Ed Wood.

In the brief moments between pyrotechnics, we get fun stuff like Anna Nicole bitching about how she can't go to the grocery in a bra.

Somehow, I find it impossible to believe she never actually did that.

Anyhoo, the crux of the plot is this: Chyna is going to build a mega-gravatron dealymabob.

Now I'm just going to go out on a limb here as to what a "mega-gravatron" actually does: it will blow crap up.

She likes to do that.

And so she laughs and laughs.

And then she kills some men.

Cuz she likes to do that too, you know.

Anna Nicole, would you care to rebuttal?

Sorry, kid - that's too bizarre even for a WrestleCrap Radio Dream Analysis.

Did I mention this film is chockful o' comedy?

Well, that's probably because it isn't.

Still, I do have to admit that I did laugh while watching it. Twice, in fact.

Once because the girls' cell phone carrier is apparently "Whorizon"...

...well, for starters, Anna has the ability to change into other stuff, like cars and helicopters. Here she converts into a 1973 Camaro. Somehow, that seems poetic: what was once hot and sexy is now beat up and rusty.

Still, I have to question the directors for not giving Chyna these abilities. That would have been much better. Heck, it would have even lead to a better title: Tranny-formers.

Thank you, thank you - I'll be here all week, enjoy the veal.

OH! And how could I forget the time Anna recited Shakespeare?

Well, kind of!

And then there's a bit where a guy buries his face in one of the girls' crotches. You know, I never thought that could NOT be erotic.

How wrong I was.

And that's pretty much the entire film.

Save for, naturally...

EXPLOSIONS!

EXPLOSIONS!

Of course, you can't have a movie starring Anna Nicole and Chyna without having them duke it out at the end.

Well, I guess you can, because Illegal Aliens ends with the two basically rolling around on the ground, looking for all the world like an elderly couple trying to fall asleep after eating too much at Bob Evans.