Note
from Triple Kelly: The return of Rowdy Roddy
Piper w/ Brother Love and Morton Downey Jr.
in an unfunny, uncomfortable segment that was
met with heated protests from the Wrestlecrap
fanbase. If I caused any of you more than 60
seconds of anger, I want you to know how pleased
I am that I've done so.
When
people ask me, "Kelly, who are your favorite
wrestlers of all-time?", I have a strong
tendency to gravitate towards certain names
that make up for the lack in technical or "scientific"
wrestling skills with their verbal skills in
front of a camera and/or a crowd. I'm a BIG
fan of the talkers, so to speak.
One
of my favorites of all-time is, without question,
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper. After a long,
exhausting week of bulls*** going on in my life
and in the world in general, I can put on my
homemade Roddy Piper compilation and enjoy my
weekend to the fullest. Of course the main component
of my homemade compilation (and any Roddy Piper
compilation) would certainly be "Piper's
Pit".
For
you young 'Crappers reading this, Piper's Pit
was Roddy Piper's own 3 to 5 minute "talk
show" segment that would air during WWF
television shows in which Roddy (a heel at the
time) would "interview" other WWF
wrestlers, showing favoritism for his fellow
heels, and in general use this talk show medium
to help get the other wrestlers over and advance
all the different storylines. Roddy was soooo
good at this talk show racket that it spawned
about 3,035 copies (most being worthless, and
most I'll be getting to sometime in the future).
The "Pit" and its main competitor,
Adrian Adonis's "Flower Shop", even
became the main focus of Roddy's own "retirement"
(the first of several) in 1987. AND would also
be the place where Andre turned against his
bestest closest buddy in the whole wide world,
Hulk Hogan, and with Bobby "The Brain"
Heenan by his side, CHALLENGE Hulk for the world
championship at Wrestlemania III.
To sum up in four words (and one math symbol):
Piper's Pit = wrestling history.
Two
years after Roddy's "retirement" and
break into Hollywood as an actor, he would not
only come out of this retirement, but he'd also
return triumphantly to the WWF at Wrestlemania
V with....a "very special" Piper's
Pit.
No,
Blossom and her perky sidekick Six will not
be on this edition of Piper's Pit.
But
by the end, you'll wish they were.
Before
I get too far, a quick note about WrestleMania
5. This show, and the year's prior show as well,
took place in the cavernous Trump Plaza. Not
sure if it was due to a different audience being
attracted to the Casino versus other wrestling
shows or bad accoustics (or a combination of
both), but the crowds for these shows seemed
absolutely dead. With the exception of a handful
of moments, you'd think the shows were taking
place in a morgue. I'm talking tag on the toe
material here.
| So
when Howard Finkel introduces our hero
Rowdy Roddy, it is impressive that the
crowd actually comes to life.
But...hey
wait a minute, that's not Roddy!
Why
it's Brother Love, the corrupt 1980s preacher
stereotype that replaced Roddy as a WWF
talk segment host soon after Hot Rod left.
I'd
mock him for wearing a kilt, but seriously,
this is a guy who paints his face bright
red. Is it really worth the effort? |
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Brother
Love walks down the steps of Trump Plaza
slowly.
I
mean, like tectonic plate slowly.
In
the time it takes him to get to the
ring, wars have been declared and fought,
children have grown up to become parents
and the excitement of Wrestlemania has
been cheapened by 11 other WWF PPVs
a year.
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Brother
Love starts off by declaring how much
he LOOOOOOOOVES YOOOOOOUUUUU. Whatever
you believe to be the worst catchphrase
you've ever heard, this one trumps it.
Then he proceeds to "interview"
an invisible Roddy Piper about how much
he loves Brother Love and his talk show.
He did so in the following manner:
1.
Brother Love asks question to Invisible
Roddy.
2.
Brother Love takes his glasses off and
changes seats.
3.
Brother Love answers question doing
world's worst Roddy Piper impression.
You
know that impression you do of Roddy
Piper when you're falling down drunk?
It's better than this.
No
doubt somewhere in the crowd that night,
a young Lance Storm was thinking, "Surely
you can't be serious".
(I
set that one up for you, guys, now bring
it on home. :)
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The
crowd, which had been alive just 2 or
3 minutes earlier, is back to its comatose
state. I know what you're thinking -
there's only one way to wake them up!
With
a heapin' helpin' of MORTON DOWNEY JR.
Who?
(Note
from RD: First person that makes a "Jim
Neidhart" joke gets punched in
the face. I'm really sick of that joke!)
Who
is Morton Downey Jr, you ask? He just
happened to be, at the time, a highly
successful chain smoking talk show host
out of a favorite local channel from
my childhood, WWOR Channel 9 in New
York (once the home of Vince Sr's WWWF
television show on Saturday nights),
and syndicated all over the country.
His "in your face" talk show
host persona and format would be copied
by dozens of others with less success
and originality for years to come.
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So
Mort comes out and high fives Brother
Love. Why? Who knows. But since he follows
it up by firing up a cig and making
fun of him, I guess that's ok.
Quick
side note: a year earlier on Downey's
show, he spent an entire house debating
if wrestling was real or not, all while
smoking cigarette after cigarette.
We
need more shows like this on television.
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I
know you're thinking a debate between
these two would be fantastic, but sadly
it quickly deteriorates into Downey
calling Brother Love "fat boy."
Them's
fightin' words right there!
But
before the two can come to blows, the
Fink announces, "Now REALLY, here
is Rowdy Roddy Piper!"
Bet
the crowd will come to life now!
|
| Well,
yes, they do.
Until
it takes him 9 years to make it down to
the ring.
Seriously,
you could run a city marathon on these
steps. |
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Now
when my hero Roddy has that look on
his face you see here...I'm psyched.
No
doubt he's ready to rip his opponents
to shreds with his trademark Roddy Piper
wit!
Here
we go!
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"You've
got them Bette Davis knees there!"
What?
Huh?
I
love Roddy but sometimes his insults
that SOUND biting don't seem to make
sense, like when he ran around Alcatraz
and called Hulk "an extinction".
As
for Mort, he just looks around bored,
throwing cigarette butts on the mat.
Ooo,
don't like where this is going.
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So
we get a few minutes of Roddy and Brother
Love winging it, as the two talk about
the difference between Scotch and Scots
(one is a drink, the other is Groundskeeper
Willy), Brother Love wearing cheap gold
from Ted DiBiase, and Brother Love being
fat like Oprah, which brought me a brief
chuckle.
And
yes, I'm one of the lowlifes that thinks
"Oprah is fat" jokes will
NEVER get old.
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| Now,
if you're watching the PPV or Coliseum
Video version of WM5, Roddy pulls Brother
Love's kilt, causing the fat preacher
to run to the back in shame.
If,
however, you're watching the WWE version
on any DVD or on 24/7, you get a weird
edit where Roddy and Brother Love are
seen talking in close proximity and then
Roddy turns his head to the camera. When
he turns back around, he's alone in the
ring with Mort. It's like Brother Love
was taken back to Poochie's home planet
in his spaceship.
Now normally, I hate when WWE edits their
footage but since they spared me from
seeing Bruce Prichard's saddle bag of
ground pork he calls a butt, then I will
completely welcome this WWE editing job. |
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So
Mort blows smoke in Piper's face as
the two have a verbal sparring contest
that the crowd no-sells completely.
But can you really blame them when you
get dialogue like "It's
a kilt, Mr. Downey" and Mort replies
"Killed?"
I
know people get ticked today that everyting
in wrestling is so heavily scripted,
but I gotta think that even Brian Gewirtz
could have had a couple better lines
than these.
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Roddy,
looking for a way out of this lingering
Hellhole of a segment, asks Mort to
fire up a cig for him and pass it along
to "ol' Hot Rod." As Mort
turns his back, Roddy reveals a fire
extinguisher under one of the stools,
which he proceeds to blast Mort in the
face with like a sadistic anti-smoking
money shot.
(Note
from Blade: We've officially corrupted
her.)
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Aaaaaaand
the segment is officially and mercifully over
so we can get to the No Holds Barred trailer.
Never thought I'd long for Zeus and the evil
Mr. Brell, but...
You know, I love Roddy and Mort, but that segment
was awful. Roddy came back to the company, which
pleased many of us but this way was nothing
more than a time-waster devoid of any humor
or "sports entertainment" (ugggggh).
Granted, you couldn't get much of a reaction
out of the Trump Plaza crowd except for the
well-known guys like Hulk Hogan, so maybe if
we had the Married With Children audience,
it would've gotten over better.
Wrestlemania with a laugh track...now that's
an idea whose time has come.
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