Adult Video Release, 2004

Note from Blade: I'm sensing a trend here. Sean Waltman drys humps Chyna on film. Wait, that's not true. In one scene of their porno movie, they use Kool-Aid for lube. I will never forgive RD for making me watch this.

WARNING: Although almost all questionable images on this page have been censored, this induction may offend some viewers. If you are easily offended by sexual material, I suggest you click the back button now.

November 25th, 2004. Thanksgiving. Thanks to my bumbling Detroit Lions getting thrashed by RD's Colts, I lost a bet which led me to this: one of the most painful hours I have ever spent in in my life. I was forced (literally forced) to endure One Night In China.

In order to avoid any lawsuits from the WWE over use of the word China, video distributors Red Light District came up with a great idea. Fly Sean Waltman overseas to pretend like everything takes place there, thus avoiding legal trouble over Chyn...I mean Joannie and Sean's video.

	Using the finest graphics from the original Nintendo's legendary game "1942," we see Sean flying to China. He take no time to quickly make an ass of himself, by showing up in Tienanmen Square, and promptly giving an old-school DX crotchchop to all the fine people in the area. He then proclaims he is "the craziest motherfu*ker you'll ever meet in your entire life..not maliciously, I don't want to hurt nobody." WHAT....he sure as hell didn't care about hurting my eyeballs over this crap. My vitreous humor may never be the same again.
Sean continues his initial tour of Japan with his guide who informs him of all the history behind the places they visit. Sean lets it go in one ear and out the other, probably staying just concious enough to hear if the guide mutters anything about moo goo gai pan.
	Then it starts. Ominous music resembling something Godzilla would be accompanied by. Sean slowly walks down a long alleyway. His destination?
Pure horror. They she is. It's Joannie, looking like Xena on crack.
	It doesn't take her too long to get down to business, quickly getting Sean on the bed, and naked. While Joannie may have looked like a second rate Xena, Sean acted like a first rate Butt-Head, uttering such lines as, "Huh, huh, your boob's hangin out," and "huh, huh," as his pants are getting yanked off. To get everyone in the mood for the lovemaking, they set up a rickety tv in the corner, where they have a concert of Joannie's band, the Chynna Dolls, cranked up to Spinal Tap-like #11 levels of distortion.
Joannie is a madwoman and is ready to get down. She shows how much she loves Sean's X-sac by completely ignoring his rod and begins to blow his fingers.
	I think she knows she's not that good cause she offers an apology, "I'll be a better dominatrix next time." Oh that's quite ok Joannie, no need. We'll take your word for it. Everybody like this shot? Well you better, because the next 15 minutes are gonna be spent staring at the X-ass.
Did I tell you how bad the picture was? It's in b&w, so I kinda feel like I have a dog's eyesight or something. Funny, I feel closer to resembling a jackass for having to view this stuff. The quality is so bad, and I'm starting to drink heavily to get through this, I swear it looks like I'm watching an X-rated episode of Welcome Back, Kotter...and Mr. Kotter is blowing Vinnie Barbarino. Yikes!!!
	Finally Sean stops the oral, and starts getting down like a jackrabbit. We're sorry, but we will not be able to show you any penetration shots. However, we here at WrestleCrap have come up with a reasonable replacement.
Sean takes a break and is back roaming China again. There he is at the Great Wall. Jump Sean, please jump. End my misery.
	Well, he didn't jump. So my hopes of a quick ending to this went down the drain. Also going down was Sean, who looked like a starved anteater eating his first meal in a month. Easy buddy, those aren't ants, that's just Joannie's nasty, black, prickly pubes.
Sean gets his fill of licking Joannie and her incredibly frighteningly penis-like clitoris, and decides it's backdoor time. Get a load of that pimply behind.
	Soon it's Joannie's time to take charge in the bathroom, and here her inner fantasies take over. She dips Sean's schlong in some Kool Aid...
...and then takes a sip of the now fresh "Cock Aid"...
	...and proceeds to blow Sean, while secretly living out her dream of serving the Kool Aid Man.
Now I know why Kool Aid Man always has that smile on his face. He more action than Charlie the Tuna, Frankenberry, and Booberry combined. Well, maybe not Booberry...he's a stud. Soon, the lovers head into the bedroom for the films climax. Sean is in a doggystyle frenzy.
	Won't be long now...
The Earth is shaking...Joannie is yelling..even I'm starting to feel excited....excited that my torture is almost over!
	Quick, zoom in on Sean's ass for the money shot!
Sorry guys, we couldn't show that one either. Instead, enjoy this shot of Captain Lou dumping cookie dough on Lord Alfred's head. It's basically the same thing.
	One warm embrace...
...and we're back on the streets of China again. There's the walking penis himself. "I guess I've had about enough of China as I can handle," he mumbles. Yeah, you, me, everyone who has ever bought, rented, stole, illegally downloaded a copy, or read this review.

I'm drunk..I feel like I've been violated, but I feel proud of myself for making it through that horrid video. And I'm feeling positive. I will never lose another bet like that to RD. The Detroit Lions have a great group of rookies on the rise, and they'll help me get my revenge on RD and the Colts. And when they do, it'll be his turn to review a crappy porno tape. In fact, I've already found the tape. RD, you better beware of the movie I'm gonna force you to review. The adult film debut of......

The Stunt Granny!!!!!!