|
"ReCreate Some Crap" Contest Winner, 2002
Note from Blade: Had to include the video contest I won in 2002 that started my association with the site. Look for a cameo by WrestleCrap Radio legend Don...Don Mason playing the rold of Jim Ross.
A lot of people have asked me how Blade Braxton came to be a regular columnist on this here site. Obviously, I've been here since day one, and Madison Carter was a natural selection since he created the Weird World of Wrestling site during WrestleCrap's hiatus a few years back.
But Blade...he took a very different approach to getting onboard.
It all started back in Two Thousand Ot Two, when WrestleCrap announced the "ReCreate Some Crap" Contest, in which you, the WrestleCrap fans, re-enacted the very worst in pro wrestling, I expected a few decent responses. I was thrilled, then, when I received over a dozen ingenius and well crafted tapes from around the globe!
While all the entries were good, none could touch the sheer, unaldulterated hilarity of "Revenge of the Scorpion", a creation of a guy named, yep, Blade Braxton of Topeka, Kansas. I can't really even begin to do this masterpiece justice with mere images and sound bites, but I will do my damndest to capture the spirit of what I can't believe the Academy missed giving some type of award.
Let us join WCW's broadcast team of Jim Ross (before he was "Good Ol' JR") and the Dean of Wrestling, Gordon Solie as they discuss the Black Scorpion, and his new target.
And low and behold, here he is, back from the grave - it's the Black Scorpion!
And of course, he's back to his incredibly evil and mysterious "mind games,"
by not only giving out one clue, but a second, even more mysterious hint as well!
Not content with frightening the Real Deal with mere words, Scorpion decided to unleash his evil BLACK MAGIC!
Surely if RD wasn't horrified by Scorpion's ability to remove his thumb from his hand...
...then he would be awestruck by Scorpion's (in)ability to turn people's heads around!
And in his greatest act, he...well, just watch and listen!
Gordon is then dragged (blindfolded, of course) to the Scorpion's hidden lair! After being raked over the coals by the Dean
Finally, Scorpion has had enough! He's going to show the whole world who he really is!
Gordon is understandly shocked when Scorpion is revealed to be...
No!! Uncle Burt, how could thou forsake me?!!!
Still, I should have figured it out. Texarkana, Coors Beer....references all to Uncle Burt's classic car chase flick, Smokey and The Bandit!
You know what? Screw the bandwith restrictions. Here's a video clip (in Quicktime) of the Scorpion's Black Magic. (And if you want to see it all, pick up the Worst of RD DVD, which contains not only the full version, but also a version commentated by both myself and Blade. Trust me, that's well worth sitting through MY horrible indy stuff).
And that, kids, is why Blade is here - because he made this old fool laugh. Special thanks go also to his crew of Don...Don Mason, Corey Merrill, and Gloria Starkey (who was allegedly Blade's girlfriend, if you can fathom such a thing).
But Blade wasn't the only one who sent in a spectatular entry.
Our first runner up comes from Scott Jackson, Andrew Ferrerira, Erik Hanley, John Cox, Katie & Krissy Jackson, who did a marvelous job of re-enacting Starrcade 1997, Hogan vs. Sting.
For those of you who don't remember, Sting spent eighteen months hanging out in the rafters (as portrayed at right) stalking Hogan, waiting for the inevtiable match.
It was a given the Sting would destroy Hogan and take his title.
However, backstage politics actually had Sting lose to Hogan via a "fast count" from Nick Patrick. The problem was that Patrick didn't count fast at all; in fact, it was almost a slow count.
In this faithful retelling of the event, Patrick hit one...
...then went and grabbed himself a soda...
...came back and counted two...
....then decided to see what was on TV...
...headed back to his hotel room, watched the entire "Crow" Trilogy...
...then returned to the arena and completed his "fast count".
Very clever, guys - give yourself a round of applause!
No doubt the most twisted entry was our second runner up, Adam L. Welsh's "This is Vehicular Homicide".
Taking a cue from Hollywood Hogan right before WrestleMania this year, Hogan hopped in his semi truck...
...and proceeded to ram the ambulance containing the Rock.
In a brilliant touch, special effects are courtesy of the PS2 game "Grand Theft Auto III"!
That contest was actually a lot of fun. AND it yielded us a new regular weekly feature in Jobber of the Week.
Perhaps we'll need to do this again sometime.
(Thinks about having another Blade Braxton around.)
Then again, maybe not.
Gordon Solie: "Well, he's certainly clouded in mystery, Jim. We don't know how big he is, we don't know who he is. But he sent us some comments, so let's take a listen."
Gordon Solie: "Well, quite frankly, Scorpion, I feel about as comfortable as Santa Claus at Jim Hellwig's Christmas party. Why the second rate magic tricks? I've seen better stuff at middle school talent shows."
Gordon: "Coors Beer??!!"
