Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Goldberg Hopes to Learn Plenty During Upcoming NXT Run

6 Submitted by on Sat, 08 October 2016, 13:57
Speculation has run rampant regarding former two-time wrestling World Champion Bill Goldberg. The 49-year-old heavyweight grappler hasn’t taken part in a wrestling match in over twelve years, but recent talks with WWE through video game conglomerate 2K Sports have Goldberg closer than ever to re-donning the tights. If a deal with WWE is officially hammered out, Goldberg will follow the path Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Officials Warn of Phony Doink Sightings at Independent Shows

11 Submitted by on Mon, 03 October 2016, 16:47
Public officials across the United States have begun warning local residents about the uptick in Doink the Clown impostors inhabiting the independent wrestling scene. On the weekend of Saturday, October 1 alone, an estimated 37 individuals across the country elected to ply their trade as ‘Doink the Clown’, a popular wrestling character from the World Wrestling Federation in the 1990s, Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Brian Kendrick Wants To Show You A Body He Found In The Woods

2 Submitted by on Mon, 03 October 2016, 08:00
Mill Valley, CA – WWE Superstar Brian Kendrick wants to show you something cool that he found in the woods. You both skip Chemistry class and head out into the woods behind the baseball field. “Dude, it’s going to blow your mind!” says Kendrick as you walk deeper and deeper in the woods. Kendrick has always been a little different, Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: TNA Sold To A Giant Chicken

21 Submitted by on Wed, 28 September 2016, 03:01
Today’s Headlie was written by Crapper Paul Sebert. Thanks, Paul! Nashville, TN – Following failed bids by Aroluxe Marketing, Billy Corgan, and Virgil TNA announced it’s new financial backer at a press conference on Wednesday.  Dixie Carter appeared at a joint press conference with a representative from a new investment firm called “Boo Industries.”   “It is with great confidence Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Kane Sues Finn Balor for “Demon” Infringement

8 Submitted by on Mon, 19 September 2016, 08:00
Dover, DE – The trial of the century began today in a Deleware courthouse as WWE Superstar and Director of Operations Kane sues former WWE Universal Champion Finn Balor for gimmick, copyright, and “Demon” infringement. The scene was tense inside of the court house as Kane, who was representing himself, addressed the court. He looked at Balor, then at the judge, Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Eva Marie Rojo vs. Eva Marie Negro At Clash Of Champions

14 Submitted by on Mon, 12 September 2016, 08:00
Baltimore, MD – An epic battle has been set for next month’s Clash of Champions Pay-Per-View as Eva Marie with red hair will take on Eva Marie with black hair. The feud began, naturally, on Eva Marie’s Instagram page. Two weeks ago, pictures began to surface showing Eva Marie with black hair. On Twitter, Eva Marie had stated that someone Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Triple H Interferes In The National Spelling Bee

10 Submitted by on Mon, 05 September 2016, 08:00
Washington, DC – This past weekend’s National Spelling Bee had a shocking finish when WWE COO and former champion Triple H interfered, costing little Emily Cohen the championship. After several intense hours of spelling, the competition had whittled down to the final two: 12 year-old Emily Cohen from Toms River, New Jersey and 11 year-old Reyansh Sachdeva of Boston, Massachusetts. Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Vince McMahon Suspends Literally Everyone For 30 Days

11 Submitted by on Mon, 29 August 2016, 08:00
Stamford, CT – After several high profile suspensions, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has declared that literally everyone on planet Earth has been suspended for 30 days. Many within the company have been of edge ever since the suspensions for stars like Alberto Del Rio and Paige were announced. Their fears were realized when an incensed McMahon rampaged through the backstage Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Fan Realizes Lifelong Dream By Ruining Monday Night Raw

10 Submitted by on Mon, 22 August 2016, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – Diehard WWE fan Vinny “DJ V-Card” Accardo achieved his lifelong dream on Monday night by jumping into a WWE ring and completely ruining the entire show. The intrusion occurred during a passionate Seth Rollins promo at the top of the hour. Following his intense battle with Finn Balor at last night’s Summerslam, Rollins expressed his genuine feelings Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: The Club Get Their Own Clubhouse

14 Submitted by on Mon, 08 August 2016, 08:00
Cincinnati, OH – Now that they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with in the WWE, The Club have decided it is time to open an official clubhouse. “We’re here and we’re here to stay,” said Luke Gallows from inside the clubhouse. “Everyone is going to be totally jealous of The Club Clubhouse. Karl’s dad is like Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Vince McMahon Performs Voodoo Ritual To Keep John Cena Another 10 Years

5 Submitted by on Mon, 01 August 2016, 08:00
Fort Worth, TX – WWE CEO Vince McMahon cautiously walked out into the abandoned parking lot. He took a moment to let his eyes adjust to darkness. The time on his Rolex read 12:00AM. “Hello?” asked McMahon. “Are…are you there? It’s me. You said to meet here exactly on the stroke of midnight” A garbage can erupted in flames, causing Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Heath Slater Drafted To Saturday Morning Slam

10 Submitted by on Mon, 25 July 2016, 08:00
Anchorage, AK – WWE Superstar Heath Slater was finally drafted this weekend and will become the new star of Saturday Morning Slam. Initially, Slater had gone undrafted by bother the Raw and Smackdown brands, leaving him without a place to wrestle. His luck changed, though, when he received an email from Saturday Morning Slam’s new General Manager saying that he Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Paige Drags Alberto Del Rio To Warped Tour

9 Submitted by on Mon, 18 July 2016, 08:00
Holmdel, NJ – WWE Supserstars Paige and Alberto Del Rio spent their entire Sunday at Warped Tour, the annual touring punk rock music festival. The real-life couple have been searching for things to do together outside of the wrestling world for some time and when the opportunity to see many of her favorite bands, Paige purchased tickets. Del Rio initially Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Maxel Hardy Demands His Release From TNA

13 Submitted by on Mon, 11 July 2016, 08:00
Nashville, TN – Maxel Hardy, the infant son of TNA stars Matt Hardy and Reby Sky, has demanded his immediate and unconditional release from TNA. Rumors of Maxel’s departure began swirling soon after his father Matt and uncle Jeff battled each other in what has been dubbed “The Final Deletion.” Following the match, a visibly upset Maxel entered TNA President Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Jack Swagger Hosts His Annual 4th Of July BBQ

3 Submitted by on Mon, 04 July 2016, 08:00
Perry, OK – WWE Superstar Jack Swagger celebrated the 4th of July with several other patriotic wrestlers at his annual 4th of July BBQ and Karaoke Contest. Swagger’s former manager Zeb Colter was the first to arrive. His motorized scooter was decorated with red, white, and blue streamers on the handle bars and the horn played Yankee Doodle. “Son, this Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Corporate Kane Updates His LinkedIn Page

10 Submitted by on Mon, 20 June 2016, 08:00
Stamford, CT – After handing his resume and letter of recommendation to Stephanie and Shane McMahon in order to become the head of Smackdown, Kane decided to update his LinkedIn account just in case either McMahon was going to look. As the sun set over his 2 bedroom townhouse, Kane opened up his laptop while his two dogs, Torchy and Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Brock Lesnar Vs. “Broken” Matt Hardy At UFC 200

5 Submitted by on Mon, 13 June 2016, 08:00
Las Vegas, NV – After days of speculation, rumors, and false reports, UFC officials have announced that WWE Superstar and former UFC champion Brock Lesnar will be taking on none other than Matt Hardy. UFC President Dana White unveiled the blockbuster match with both competitors at a press conference in Las Vegas. “We want UFC 200 to be the biggest Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Captain America Joins The NWO

13 Submitted by on Mon, 06 June 2016, 08:00
(Today’s Headlie was guest written by Paul Sebert. Thanks Paul!) New York, NY– Readers of the new “Captain America: Steve Rogers” were shocked by the comic’s ending which featured Captain America leg-dropping fellow superhero Jack Flagg before tearing off his costume to reveal a black and white NWO T-shirt before raising his hand in the air and uttering the “Too Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: TNA Gets Into The Dessert Business

11 Submitted by on Mon, 30 May 2016, 08:00
Bakersville, TN – TNA Impact Wrestling President Dixie Carter announced this morning that TNA will now be getting into the dessert and baked goods business. “These past few months have been awful stressful and I needed to take my mind off things,” said Carter from the kitchen of her new facility. “So I decided to start baking. It’s real relaxing Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Rusev Replaces Rouseff As President Of Brazil

4 Submitted by on Mon, 23 May 2016, 08:00
Brasilia, Brazil – In an incredible turn of events that will have repercussions throughout the world, the people of Brazil have chosen WWE Superstar Rusev to replace their current president Dilma Rousseff. Rousseff’s ousting, after once boasting an 80% approval rating, came after impeachment hearings due to economic woes and government corruption. Brazil’s future was thrown into uncertainty after the Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Enzo Amore Is “Lost In Seaside Heights”

4 Submitted by on Mon, 16 May 2016, 08:00
Seaside Heights, NJ – WWE Superstar Enzo Amore, who recently suffered a concussion at the hands of Simon Gotch of the Vaudevillians, has been missing for several weeks following his dismissal from his hospital. It is strongly believed that Amore has suffered an acute case of amnesia, forgetting his name and history in the WWE. Tips began flooding into Titan Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Virgil Buys TNA

7 Submitted by on Mon, 02 May 2016, 08:00
Pittsburgh, PA – TNA’s long-time search for a new buyer came to an end Monday when former WWE and WCW wrestler Virgil bought the company. Dixie Carter joined Virgil at an impromptu press conference in the back of Big Shot Bob’s House Of Wings to discuss the acquisition. “I’m proud of all the great wrestling we’ve put out over the Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: “Losses Now Count As Wins” Declares Vince McMahon

13 Submitted by on Mon, 25 April 2016, 08:00
Hartford, CT – In the weekly pre-Raw staff meeting, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made a stunning announcement that will change sports entertainment forever. “WWE needs a new shot of adrenaline and I’m about to give it a lethal dose,” said McMahon, sporting a large green hat with a “10/6” note on it. “WWE used to be much more…muchier. It has Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: The Authority Accidentally Leaves Fandango Home Alone

8 Submitted by on Mon, 18 April 2016, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – A family vacation by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon was abruptly cut short when they released that they had accidentally left WWE Superstar Fandango home alone. The Authority, who were traveling to Disneyworld for some rest and relaxation, did not notice the missing Fandango when the extended McMahon family piled into Triple H’s minivan nor when they Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Doctors Studying Medicinal Benefits of Booty O’s

14 Submitted by on Mon, 11 April 2016, 08:00
Rochester, MN – Several doctors and scientists have been vigorously studying Booty O’s cereal to determine what medicinal effects they may have. Experiments on the official cereal of the WWE tag team champions The New Day began one week ago at the Mayo Clinic. Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, and Big E hand-delivered 500 boxes of the cereal in exchange for Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Fan Now King Of The Office After Correctly Predicting Wrestlemania

8 Submitted by on Mon, 04 April 2016, 08:00
Portland, OR – Lifetime wrestling fan and current Assistant Director of Communications got TechSprout Industries Andy Liu has dubbed himself the “King Of The Office” after correctly predicting the outcomes of every match at Wrestlemania 32. Liu confidently strode into his office at 8:30am, his head held higher than usual for a Monday morning. He took a large sip of Continue Reading...
Read more

Headlies: Vince McMahon Stuck In Wrestlemania Traffic After Ring Cart Breaks Down

4 Submitted by on Sat, 02 April 2016, 08:00
Texarkana, TX – Multiple problems have plagued Vince McMahon’s journey to Wrestlemania, culminating in the breakdown of his motorized wrestling ring cart in eastern Texas. McMahon embarked for Dallas, Texas from his home in Greenwich Connecticut on Tuesday morning. Forgoing a plane ride, McMahon decided to tour the country by himself. The first problem McMahon ran into was a bout Continue Reading...
Read more