Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Remember To Change Your Clocks To Vader Time

8 Submitted by on Mon, 13 March 2017, 08:00
Colorado Springs, CO – Government officials are once again reminding US citizens to remember to change their clocks to Vader Time. The change in time, which takes place at 3:00am on Sunday, March 12th, was put into effect as a means of “Making America Vader Again.” “All you lily-livered sissies better get with the program!” said official Vader Time spokesman Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Firebreaker Chip Issues Open Challenge To Randy Orton

11 Submitted by on Mon, 06 March 2017, 08:00
WCW Special Forces – Former WCW star Firebreaker Chip issued an open challenge to WWE Superstar Randy Orton following Orton’s burning down of Bray Wyatt’s compound. “Mr. Orton has shown a complete disregard for fire safety,” said Chip. “We try to teach these kids from a young age that playing with matches is dangerous. Sure, the audience might cheer for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Creative Members Take Part In Battle Royale To Determine Wrestlemania Storylines

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 February 2017, 08:00
Stanford, CT – WWE now has a clear picture of what the main storyline into Wrestlemania thanks to an impromptu battle royale among the writing staff. The violent melee took place following the Raw writing crew’s weekly meeting. After rapping up the plans for this evening’s Monday Night Raw, WWE CEO Vince McMahon addressed his writers. “Now is the time for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kevin Owens Tries To Win Back Chris Jericho

6 Submitted by on Mon, 20 February 2017, 08:00
Tampa, FL – WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens made a very public apology to his former partner Chris Jericho yesterday morning outside of Jericho’s home. Armed with a boom box, Owens stood next to his car and blasted Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” to get Jericho’s attention. “Go away, Kevin!” shouted Jericho while peeking out of his curtains. “Chris, I’m Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Elimination Chamber Converted Into School Playground

5 Submitted by on Mon, 13 February 2017, 08:00
Mesa, AZ – Following the events of last night’s events, WWE has decided to donate and convert the elimination chamber into a playground for needy children. WWE’s ring crew quickly broke down the Elimination Chamber and loaded it piece by piece into their trucks, making the short drive from Phoenix to Mesa to deliver it. “Eh, we barely use the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Sells Roman Reigns Valentine’s Day Cards

6 Submitted by on Fri, 10 February 2017, 08:00
Pensacola, FL – In honor of Valentine’s Day, WWE has released a series of Roman Reigns-themed Valentine’s Day cards. “When I think of love, I think of Roman Reigns,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “He’s just so strong and handsome. I mean look at those eyes! That smile! That long luxurious hair that can barely be tamed! Those huge, bulging Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Samoa Joe Revealed To Be Sting In Disguise

11 Submitted by on Mon, 06 February 2017, 08:00
Portland, OR – In what can only be described as the most shocking twist of the modern wrestling era, Samoa Joe was revealed to be none other than WCW legend Sting. The major revelation came during a passionate in-ring promo by Triple H with Samoa Joe at his side. “Tonight, I stand before you with the dominant Samoa Joe by Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Deeply Impressed With Roman Reigns’s Royal Rumble Elimination

5 Submitted by on Mon, 30 January 2017, 08:00
San Antonio, TX – While most of the wrestling world was talking about Randy Orton’s surprise win at the Royal Rumble, WWE CEO Vince McMahon was focusing on the incredible way that Roman Reigns took his elimination. “Highlight of the entire night,” said McMahon while talking about an event that included appearances from The Undertaker, Brock Lesnar, Goldberg, and Tye Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H’s Sledgehammer To Be Inducted Into The WWE Hall Of Fame

10 Submitted by on Mon, 16 January 2017, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – On tonight’s edition of Monday Night Raw, the WWE will announce that the first induction for this year’s Hall Of Fame ceremony will be none other than Triple H’s Sledgehammer. The sledgehammer, a long-time ally of the former world champion and current COO of WWE, has been a member of the WWE roster for over 15 years. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Alberto Del Rio Beats Up Ninja Turtle At Child’s Birthday Party

13 Submitted by on Mon, 09 January 2017, 08:00
Las Cruces, NM – Former WWE Superstar Alberto Del Rio is once again in trouble with the law after assaulting another person in a Ninja Turtles costume. Las Cruces Sheriff Benjamin Munoz described the scene, saying “It’s just awful. I can’t recall ever seeing such a random and senseless act of violence. There were foam sais, nunchucks, and bos everywhere.” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dixie Carter Is Ready For 2017, Dang It

6 Submitted by on Mon, 02 January 2017, 08:00
Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter stumbled out of bed and slowly made her way to the kitchen. Still hungover from her New Years Eve celebration, Carter knew she desperately needed something to eat to keep the room from spinning. After downing several Jell-O pudding cups, and avoiding several passed-out party goers, Carter flopped down on her leather couch Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dudley Boyz Have Their Bar Mitzvah, Become Dudley Men

6 Submitted by on Mon, 19 December 2016, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – World Famous tag team The Dudley Boyz officially changed their name to The Dudley Men following their bar mitzvahs this past Saturday. The former WWE, ECW, and TNA tag team read from the Torah at Temple Beth Israel in Brooklyn, signifying their ascent into manhood. The ceremony, which was presided over by Rabbi David Shulman, was many Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Announces Return Of “Bash At The Beach” At Martha’s Vineyard

13 Submitted by on Mon, 12 December 2016, 08:00
(Today’s Headlie was written by Chris French. Thanks Chris!) Stamford, CT — WWE will be restarting an old WCW tradition, the “Bash At The Beach”, in 2017, Vince McMahon announced today. The 2017 Bash will be held on Martha’s Vineyard, at the Joseph Sylvia State Beach in Edgartown, MA, on July 2, 2017. Standing outside the Edgartown, MA, Town Hall, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Raw Women’s Championship Replaced With Literal Hot Potato

15 Submitted by on Mon, 05 December 2016, 08:00
Austin, TX – After numerous Raw Women’s Championship changes over the past few months, Raw commissioner Stephanie McMahon and Raw general manager Mick Foley unveiled a new tile belt: a literal hot potato. McMahon addressed the stunned crowd saying “We’ve listened to you, the WWE Universe. Actually, I was busy playing Candy Crush on my phone, so I was only Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Slaters Celebrate Thanksgiving

4 Submitted by on Mon, 28 November 2016, 08:00
Pineville, WV – As the sun began to set over Noble’s Trailer Park, the Slater Clan gather ’round their supper table to enjoy their Thanksgiving meal. Current WWE Smackdown Tag Team champion Heath Slater proudly sat at the head of the wobbly card table, looking over his kin. “As your proud Papa, I just want to thank ya’ll for being Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Undertaker Finally Listens to “Rolling” by Limp Bizkit

9 Submitted by on Mon, 21 November 2016, 08:00
Death Valley, CA – WWE legend The Undertaker finally listened to the song “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” by Limp Bizkit and did not like what he heard. Following the his return on the 900th episode of Smackdown, The Undertaker was riding a wave of nostalgia. After watching several of his Smackdown matches on the WWE Network, Undertaker came to the Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Triple H Vows to Defend WWE’s Honor Against ‘Vigilante’ Goldberg

5 Submitted by on Sun, 20 November 2016, 23:10
  TORONTO – Irate over how easily the near-fifty-year-old Bill Goldberg mowed down relentless killing machine Brock Lesnar at the Survivor Series pay-per-view, WWE Chief Operating Officer Triple H is calling out the former WCW World Heavyweight Champion. “This has happened before,” seethed Triple H in an exclusive interview. “Some WCW has-been that has spent the previous decade-plus in seclusion Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Mattel Debuts Rock’em Sock’em Wrestlers Game

9 Submitted by on Mon, 14 November 2016, 08:00
El Segundo, CA – World-famous toy manufacturer Mattel announced today that they have joined forces with the WWE to create a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots game starring WWE wrestlers. In a conference call with investors, Mattel CEO Christopher A. Sinclair said of the partnership, “WWE and Mattel have a long history of creating fun for children and horrible annoyances Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Jack Tunney Expected to Carry Parts Unknown in Landslide

16 Submitted by on Tue, 08 November 2016, 19:32
It’s a landslide! For the ninth Presidential election in a row, incumbent Jack Tunney is expected to win re-election by a hefty amount. To the surprise of no one, Tunney is expected to carry Parts Unknown with the near unanimity of the vote. The sovereignty has consistently voted Tunney since his first appearance on the ballot in 1984, and the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Broken Matt Hardy Accidentally Deletes Billy Corgan

8 Submitted by on Mon, 07 November 2016, 08:00
Cameron, NC – Ousted TNA official Billy Corgan secretly met with TNA wrestler Matt Hardy at his palatial estate in North Carolina to plot a coup against Dixie Carter. “Dearest Billiam, thank you for coming to the Hardy Compound and Kid-teractive Funasium,” said Hardy. “I trust the guard drones did not give you a problem? Would you like a Fresca Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The McMahons Go Trick Or Treating

9 Submitted by on Mon, 31 October 2016, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – Before Monday Night Raw, the McMahon family embarked on their annual trick or treating trip through the posh neighborhoods of Greenwich, Connecticut. WWE CEO Vince McMahon, who was dressed as a sheriff, led his family on their quest for free candy. “It’s all about the Paydays!” he barked in his typical gravelly voice. “It’s also about Whatchamacallits Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Network Acquires CZW Library, Announces Premium Subscription Tier

6 Submitted by on Wed, 26 October 2016, 12:00
This Headlie was written by crapper Paul Sebert. Thanks Paul! Stanford, CT – Facing new streaming competition from Flo Slam, New Japan World, Highspots, and Chikaratopia, the WWE has taken a proactive approach to adding new content to the WWE Network. Yesterday, a landmark video streaming deal was struck between the WWE and Philadelphia-based independent promotion CZW. “We’ve listened to the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Everything Is Totally Fine At TNA

13 Submitted by on Mon, 24 October 2016, 08:00
Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter has assured fans that everything it totally, 100% fine. From her corner office in the back of a nearly empty warehouse now known as TNA Impact Wrestling World Headquarters, Carter took the time out of her busy schedule to assuage any concerns that TNA fans might have as to the future of the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Pre-Show Andre the Giant Battle Royal to Take Place Atop Hell in a Cell

4 Submitted by on Sat, 22 October 2016, 13:49
BOSTON – With three championship bouts taking place inside the Hell in a Cell cage for WWE’s namesake pay-per-view, the promotion is upping the ante of gut-turning peril by adding a pre-show Hell in a Cell match that will double as an Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Plans are for twenty Raw-brand performers to ascend the sixteen-foot-high structure before the actual pay-per-view Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Unveils More Tiered Pricing Plans For The Network

12 Submitted by on Mon, 17 October 2016, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE officials have unveiled a slew of new pricing plan tiers for the WWE Network. After plans were leaked online, the company moved quickly forward in hopes of garnering more attention. The list appeared on WWE.com along with a statement from Vince McMahon saying, “We hope to bring even more specialized entertainment to the ever-growing WWE Universe. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Only 21% of WWE Network Revenue Goes Toward Curing Raw’s Dullness

8 Submitted by on Mon, 10 October 2016, 14:42
While WWE Network has been a godsend for wrestling fans of all ages that enjoy the sort of tailored viewing experience that a vast on-demand library can provide, a recent revelation shows that the money given by said fans isn’t going to the right places. A new study conducted by the Institute of Deflecting Raw’s Ratings Woes Away From Characters We Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Officials Beg Vince McMahon Not To Do A Columbus Day Skit

10 Submitted by on Mon, 10 October 2016, 08:00
Oakland, CA – Tensions ran high during the pre-Raw creative meeting as WWE CEO Vince McMahon insisted on the show including a skit about Columbus Day. “I don’t see what the problem is,” said a frustrated McMahon. “Whenever Raw falls on a holiday, we do a holiday-related skit. Remember on Halloween, we have the women dress up in their favorite Continue Reading...
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