Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Baron Corbin Has Been Broken

3 Submitted by on Mon, 21 August 2017, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – WWE Superstar Baron Corbin has developed a new persona in light of recent events. Corbin, who has been acting strangely since losing failing to cash in his Money In The Bank contract on Smackdown, appeared at backstage sporting a new white streak in his suddenly bushy hair. “DELICIOUS!” exclaimed a wide-eyed Corbin while getting a meal at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Father Thrilled Baby’s First Words Are “Suck It”

2 Submitted by on Mon, 14 August 2017, 08:00
West Warwick, RI – On his Facebook page, 33-year-old Edmund Fox proclaimed his overwhelming pride that his 7-month-old daughter Regina’s first words were “Suck it!” Fox, the night shift assistant manager at Sam’s Food Store, was ecstatic when he heard his first-born uttering the famous catchphrase from his favorite tag team, D-Generation X. “At 8:07 am this morning, my sweet Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Deathmatch Resolved With Words, Not Violence

5 Submitted by on Mon, 07 August 2017, 08:00
Voorhees, NJ – The much-anticipated Deathmatch at CZW’s ” Once In A Lifetime” between Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita took a different turn than most experts expected. The crowd was at a fever pitch at the Flyers Skate Zone in Voorhees as “The Bulldozer” Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita were ready to engage in ultraviolence. With weapons in hand, both Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Moppy Revealed As James Ellsworth’s Mother

8 Submitted by on Mon, 31 July 2017, 08:00
Richmond, VA – In an emotional segment on Smackdown Live, WWE Attitude Era legend Moppy was revealed to be James Ellsworth’s mother. For weeks, Ellsworth has been seen taking secretive phone calls during the show. Many believed that it was Ellsworth’s new girlfriend from Canada that no one has ever seen, but totally exists and is going to make Carmella Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ken Patera Sent To Punjabi Prison

7 Submitted by on Mon, 24 July 2017, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia police announced Monday morning that they have arrested former wrestling star Ken Patera and placed him in Punjabi Prison. In a prepared statement, Philadelphia Police Captain Donald Carpenter said, “At 12:34am this morning, police responded to a break-in at a McDonald’s on North 52nd street. While no money was taken from the registers or the safe, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Disney Taps WWE’s Jack Gallagher For Lead Role In Aladdin

1 Submitted by on Mon, 17 July 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – In a shocking movie, Disney has cast WWE Superstar Jack Gallagher for the titular role in the live-action version of Aladdin. Disney, who publicly stated recently that they were having difficulty filling the lead role, released a statement saying, “There’s just something special about Jack Gallagher that makes him perfect to play a character of Middle Eastern Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Global Force Wrestling’s Fan Excited By TNA Acquisition

7 Submitted by on Mon, 10 July 2017, 08:00
Nashville, TN – Global Force Wrestling’s one and only fan has been making the rounds on wrestling message boards, Facebook groups, and Reddit celebrating the company’s re-branding of TNA. A person by the name of “Joof Jorrett” has been joining various websites to praise the rebirth of his favorite company, Global Force Wrestling. “It’s about dang time someone finally righted Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Unveils New Network Show “Everybody Hates Dolph Ziggler”

3 Submitted by on Mon, 03 July 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon announced at a press conference earlier today that the newest original programming on the WWE Network would be a reality show called “Everybody Hates Dolph Ziggler”. McMahon, flanked by his daughter Stephanie and Ziggler himself, explained the premise. “We have Dolph Ziggler going around the country and tape people saying awful things about Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Covers Seth Rollins In Packing Bubbles For His Own Protection

4 Submitted by on Mon, 26 June 2017, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – WWE officials have taken the proactive measure of wrapping WWE Superstar Seth Rollins in protective packing bubbles before every match. The controversial decision was made after Rollins had to receive stitches on his face after last night’s Monday Night Raw. “It’s for his own safety as well as the financial safety of the company,” said Triple Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Reveals Details Of WWE Theme Park

6 Submitted by on Mon, 12 June 2017, 08:00
Orlando, FL – At a press conference, WWE CEO Vince McMahon revealed details for the company’s plans to open their very own them park. Flanked by daughter Stephanie, son Shane, son-in-law Triple H, and the mayor of Orlando, McMahon laid out his vision for the historic theme park. “It is the number one priority of the WWE to entertain the WWE Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Bayley: This Is Your Life” Segment Declared A Crime Scene

18 Submitted by on Mon, 05 June 2017, 08:00
Greenville, SC – The Greenville Sherriff’s office has declared the “Bayley: This Is Your Life” segment from last week’s Monday night Raw a crime scene. The segment, in which WWE Superstar Alexa Bliss mocked Bayley, was universally panned by both the live audience and fans at home. As WWE’s crew was breaking down the ring, Sherriff Marvin Talty arrived with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Rambo” Greg Gagne Tries To Get Military Discounts On Memorial Day

5 Submitted by on Mon, 29 May 2017, 08:00
Minneapolis, MN – Former AWA star Greg Gagne spent most of his Memorial Day trying to use his former status as a wrestling soldier to score discounts and good deals on products. Gagne, the son of wrestling legend Verne Gagne, donned his old combat fatigues and traveled from local business to local business. Gagne received 5% off new tires, a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Jinder Mahal’s Veins Set To Become 2017’s Breakout Star

3 Submitted by on Mon, 22 May 2017, 08:00
Chicago, IL – After last night’s championship match between Randy Orton and Jinder Mahal at Backlash, WWE officials believe that Mahal’s bulging veins are fast on their way to becoming the biggest star in a company. At a closed-door meeting before Monday Night Raw, Vince McMahon and other top WWE officials gathered to talk about how best to push their Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Marilyn Manson Buys XPW

4 Submitted by on Mon, 15 May 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – Hot off the heels of Smashing Pumpkins leader Billy Corgan buying the NWA, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson has announced that he has bought the rights to Xtreme Pro Wrestling. Founded in 1999, XPW was best known for its hardcore matches and outlandish characters. Details are still forthcoming, but it is believed that Manson spent tens of dollars to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Goes Through His Record Collection To Come Up With More PPV Names

18 Submitted by on Mon, 08 May 2017, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – On a lazy Sunday afternoon, WWE CEO Vince McMahon took out his old record collection to come up with more names that would work well for pay-per-views in the vein similar to the upcoming “Great Balls Of Fire” event. McMahon, wearing his most comfortable pair of ICOPRO sweatpants and a faded and stained Starland Vocal Band t-shirt, laid Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Erick Rowan Cleans Up The House Of Horrors

1 Submitted by on Mon, 01 May 2017, 08:00
San Jose, CA – Following the brutal main event match at Payback between Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt, Wyatt family member Erick has taken it upon himself to clean up Bray Wyatt’s House of Horrors. Donning a bandanna to keep sweat out of his eyes and a maid outfit to keep his filthy jumpsuit clean, Rowan removed a bucket filled Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Blacktop Bully Teaches JBL How To “Be A Star”

10 Submitted by on Mon, 17 April 2017, 08:00
Sweetwater, TX – Over the weekend, WWE commentator and former wrestler John “Bradshaw” Leyfield received a special lesson on how to “Be A STAR”. JBL, who has come under fire recently due to accusations of bullying, awoke to the sounds of a tractor trailer horn blasting in his driveway. “What in tarnation is going on?” shouted JBL from his window. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Glenn Jacobs and Rick Titan to Portray Broken Matt and Brother Nero

3 Submitted by on Mon, 10 April 2017, 08:00
(This Headlie was written by Crapper Ator. Thanks, Ator!) Orlando, FL-  Jeff Jarrett has stunned the wrestling world with a bombshell announcement. At the most recent round of tapings for the next eight months of Impact! Wrestling programming he took to the ring to make this proclamation: “I know there has been very public discourse between Impact! Ventures and a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: John Cena Changes Mind, Proposes To Matt Hardy Instead

7 Submitted by on Mon, 03 April 2017, 14:00
Orlando, FL – Following the explosive events of Wrestlemania 33, WWE Superstar John Cena made a shocking marriage proposal to none other than Matt Hardy. At the conclusion of their match against The Miz and Maryse, Cena proposed to his longtime significant other Nikki Bella. As the couple walked back up the entrance ramp, the Hardy Boyz theme music began to play. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wrestlemania 33 Breaks Guinness World Record For Most Naps At A Sporting Event

12 Submitted by on Mon, 03 April 2017, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Officials with the Guinness World Records have announced that the crowd at Wrestlemania 33 set a world record for the most amount of naps had at a public sporting event. Global President of Guinness World Records Alistair Richards made the announcement before Monday Night Raw. “I hereby present the WWE with this commemorative plaque, a honey-glazed ham, Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Ric Flair Honored with Bronze Statue of Someone Else at WWE Axxess

7 Submitted by on Thu, 30 March 2017, 22:34
Orlando, FL – WWE Hall-of-Famer and wrestling legend Ric Flair was commemorated Thursday evening with a bronze statue, the latest Hall of Famer to receive the honor.  The ceremony was held during the opening festivities of WrestleMania Axxess. Flair was surrounded by friends and family alike when the statue was unveiled. As, the “Nature Boy” visibly broke down while looking at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H Takes A Group Of Fans To Dave & Busters To Show Them He’s Still Cool

7 Submitted by on Mon, 27 March 2017, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Following the conclusion of Monday Night Raw, WWE COO Triple H took out a large group of fans to show them that he is still cool. “We were hanging outside one of the exits hoping to get some autographs and like an RKO, Triple H came outta nowhere and started talking to us,” said ice cream sandwich Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Hornswoggle, Sheamus Themes Sales Skyrocket On St. Patrick’s Day

4 Submitted by on Mon, 20 March 2017, 08:00
Boston, MA – Sales of several WWE wrestler themes saw significant increases on St. Patrick’s Day. Both Hornswoggle and Sheamus’s theme songs reached number one and two, respectively, on iTunes’ Songs chart. “We always see a boost in sales around various holidays, but this St. Patrick’s Day was far and away our best holiday ever, sales-wise,” said Senior Vice President Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Remember To Change Your Clocks To Vader Time

8 Submitted by on Mon, 13 March 2017, 08:00
Colorado Springs, CO – Government officials are once again reminding US citizens to remember to change their clocks to Vader Time. The change in time, which takes place at 3:00am on Sunday, March 12th, was put into effect as a means of “Making America Vader Again.” “All you lily-livered sissies better get with the program!” said official Vader Time spokesman Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Firebreaker Chip Issues Open Challenge To Randy Orton

11 Submitted by on Mon, 06 March 2017, 08:00
WCW Special Forces – Former WCW star Firebreaker Chip issued an open challenge to WWE Superstar Randy Orton following Orton’s burning down of Bray Wyatt’s compound. “Mr. Orton has shown a complete disregard for fire safety,” said Chip. “We try to teach these kids from a young age that playing with matches is dangerous. Sure, the audience might cheer for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Creative Members Take Part In Battle Royale To Determine Wrestlemania Storylines

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 February 2017, 08:00
Stanford, CT – WWE now has a clear picture of what the main storyline into Wrestlemania thanks to an impromptu battle royale among the writing staff. The violent melee took place following the Raw writing crew’s weekly meeting. After rapping up the plans for this evening’s Monday Night Raw, WWE CEO Vince McMahon addressed his writers. “Now is the time for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kevin Owens Tries To Win Back Chris Jericho

6 Submitted by on Mon, 20 February 2017, 08:00
Tampa, FL – WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens made a very public apology to his former partner Chris Jericho yesterday morning outside of Jericho’s home. Armed with a boom box, Owens stood next to his car and blasted Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” to get Jericho’s attention. “Go away, Kevin!” shouted Jericho while peeking out of his curtains. “Chris, I’m Continue Reading...
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