Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: The Blacktop Bully Teaches JBL How To “Be A Star”

10 Submitted by on Mon, 17 April 2017, 08:00
Sweetwater, TX – Over the weekend, WWE commentator and former wrestler John “Bradshaw” Leyfield received a special lesson on how to “Be A STAR”. JBL, who has come under fire recently due to accusations of bullying, awoke to the sounds of a tractor trailer horn blasting in his driveway. “What in tarnation is going on?” shouted JBL from his window. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Glenn Jacobs and Rick Titan to Portray Broken Matt and Brother Nero

3 Submitted by on Mon, 10 April 2017, 08:00
(This Headlie was written by Crapper Ator. Thanks, Ator!) Orlando, FL-  Jeff Jarrett has stunned the wrestling world with a bombshell announcement. At the most recent round of tapings for the next eight months of Impact! Wrestling programming he took to the ring to make this proclamation: “I know there has been very public discourse between Impact! Ventures and a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: John Cena Changes Mind, Proposes To Matt Hardy Instead

7 Submitted by on Mon, 03 April 2017, 14:00
Orlando, FL – Following the explosive events of Wrestlemania 33, WWE Superstar John Cena made a shocking marriage proposal to none other than Matt Hardy. At the conclusion of their match against The Miz and Maryse, Cena proposed to his longtime significant other Nikki Bella. As the couple walked back up the entrance ramp, the Hardy Boyz theme music began to play. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Wrestlemania 33 Breaks Guinness World Record For Most Naps At A Sporting Event

12 Submitted by on Mon, 03 April 2017, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Officials with the Guinness World Records have announced that the crowd at Wrestlemania 33 set a world record for the most amount of naps had at a public sporting event. Global President of Guinness World Records Alistair Richards made the announcement before Monday Night Raw. “I hereby present the WWE with this commemorative plaque, a honey-glazed ham, Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Ric Flair Honored with Bronze Statue of Someone Else at WWE Axxess

7 Submitted by on Thu, 30 March 2017, 22:34
Orlando, FL – WWE Hall-of-Famer and wrestling legend Ric Flair was commemorated Thursday evening with a bronze statue, the latest Hall of Famer to receive the honor.  The ceremony was held during the opening festivities of WrestleMania Axxess. Flair was surrounded by friends and family alike when the statue was unveiled. As, the “Nature Boy” visibly broke down while looking at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H Takes A Group Of Fans To Dave & Busters To Show Them He’s Still Cool

7 Submitted by on Mon, 27 March 2017, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Following the conclusion of Monday Night Raw, WWE COO Triple H took out a large group of fans to show them that he is still cool. “We were hanging outside one of the exits hoping to get some autographs and like an RKO, Triple H came outta nowhere and started talking to us,” said ice cream sandwich Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Hornswoggle, Sheamus Themes Sales Skyrocket On St. Patrick’s Day

4 Submitted by on Mon, 20 March 2017, 08:00
Boston, MA – Sales of several WWE wrestler themes saw significant increases on St. Patrick’s Day. Both Hornswoggle and Sheamus’s theme songs reached number one and two, respectively, on iTunes’ Songs chart. “We always see a boost in sales around various holidays, but this St. Patrick’s Day was far and away our best holiday ever, sales-wise,” said Senior Vice President Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Remember To Change Your Clocks To Vader Time

8 Submitted by on Mon, 13 March 2017, 08:00
Colorado Springs, CO – Government officials are once again reminding US citizens to remember to change their clocks to Vader Time. The change in time, which takes place at 3:00am on Sunday, March 12th, was put into effect as a means of “Making America Vader Again.” “All you lily-livered sissies better get with the program!” said official Vader Time spokesman Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Firebreaker Chip Issues Open Challenge To Randy Orton

11 Submitted by on Mon, 06 March 2017, 08:00
WCW Special Forces – Former WCW star Firebreaker Chip issued an open challenge to WWE Superstar Randy Orton following Orton’s burning down of Bray Wyatt’s compound. “Mr. Orton has shown a complete disregard for fire safety,” said Chip. “We try to teach these kids from a young age that playing with matches is dangerous. Sure, the audience might cheer for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Creative Members Take Part In Battle Royale To Determine Wrestlemania Storylines

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 February 2017, 08:00
Stanford, CT – WWE now has a clear picture of what the main storyline into Wrestlemania thanks to an impromptu battle royale among the writing staff. The violent melee took place following the Raw writing crew’s weekly meeting. After rapping up the plans for this evening’s Monday Night Raw, WWE CEO Vince McMahon addressed his writers. “Now is the time for Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kevin Owens Tries To Win Back Chris Jericho

6 Submitted by on Mon, 20 February 2017, 08:00
Tampa, FL – WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens made a very public apology to his former partner Chris Jericho yesterday morning outside of Jericho’s home. Armed with a boom box, Owens stood next to his car and blasted Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” to get Jericho’s attention. “Go away, Kevin!” shouted Jericho while peeking out of his curtains. “Chris, I’m Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Elimination Chamber Converted Into School Playground

5 Submitted by on Mon, 13 February 2017, 08:00
Mesa, AZ – Following the events of last night’s events, WWE has decided to donate and convert the elimination chamber into a playground for needy children. WWE’s ring crew quickly broke down the Elimination Chamber and loaded it piece by piece into their trucks, making the short drive from Phoenix to Mesa to deliver it. “Eh, we barely use the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Sells Roman Reigns Valentine’s Day Cards

6 Submitted by on Fri, 10 February 2017, 08:00
Pensacola, FL – In honor of Valentine’s Day, WWE has released a series of Roman Reigns-themed Valentine’s Day cards. “When I think of love, I think of Roman Reigns,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “He’s just so strong and handsome. I mean look at those eyes! That smile! That long luxurious hair that can barely be tamed! Those huge, bulging Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Samoa Joe Revealed To Be Sting In Disguise

11 Submitted by on Mon, 06 February 2017, 08:00
Portland, OR – In what can only be described as the most shocking twist of the modern wrestling era, Samoa Joe was revealed to be none other than WCW legend Sting. The major revelation came during a passionate in-ring promo by Triple H with Samoa Joe at his side. “Tonight, I stand before you with the dominant Samoa Joe by Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Deeply Impressed With Roman Reigns’s Royal Rumble Elimination

5 Submitted by on Mon, 30 January 2017, 08:00
San Antonio, TX – While most of the wrestling world was talking about Randy Orton’s surprise win at the Royal Rumble, WWE CEO Vince McMahon was focusing on the incredible way that Roman Reigns took his elimination. “Highlight of the entire night,” said McMahon while talking about an event that included appearances from The Undertaker, Brock Lesnar, Goldberg, and Tye Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H’s Sledgehammer To Be Inducted Into The WWE Hall Of Fame

10 Submitted by on Mon, 16 January 2017, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – On tonight’s edition of Monday Night Raw, the WWE will announce that the first induction for this year’s Hall Of Fame ceremony will be none other than Triple H’s Sledgehammer. The sledgehammer, a long-time ally of the former world champion and current COO of WWE, has been a member of the WWE roster for over 15 years. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Alberto Del Rio Beats Up Ninja Turtle At Child’s Birthday Party

13 Submitted by on Mon, 09 January 2017, 08:00
Las Cruces, NM – Former WWE Superstar Alberto Del Rio is once again in trouble with the law after assaulting another person in a Ninja Turtles costume. Las Cruces Sheriff Benjamin Munoz described the scene, saying “It’s just awful. I can’t recall ever seeing such a random and senseless act of violence. There were foam sais, nunchucks, and bos everywhere.” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dixie Carter Is Ready For 2017, Dang It

6 Submitted by on Mon, 02 January 2017, 08:00
Nashville, TN – TNA President Dixie Carter stumbled out of bed and slowly made her way to the kitchen. Still hungover from her New Years Eve celebration, Carter knew she desperately needed something to eat to keep the room from spinning. After downing several Jell-O pudding cups, and avoiding several passed-out party goers, Carter flopped down on her leather couch Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Dudley Boyz Have Their Bar Mitzvah, Become Dudley Men

6 Submitted by on Mon, 19 December 2016, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – World Famous tag team The Dudley Boyz officially changed their name to The Dudley Men following their bar mitzvahs this past Saturday. The former WWE, ECW, and TNA tag team read from the Torah at Temple Beth Israel in Brooklyn, signifying their ascent into manhood. The ceremony, which was presided over by Rabbi David Shulman, was many Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Announces Return Of “Bash At The Beach” At Martha’s Vineyard

13 Submitted by on Mon, 12 December 2016, 08:00
(Today’s Headlie was written by Chris French. Thanks Chris!) Stamford, CT — WWE will be restarting an old WCW tradition, the “Bash At The Beach”, in 2017, Vince McMahon announced today. The 2017 Bash will be held on Martha’s Vineyard, at the Joseph Sylvia State Beach in Edgartown, MA, on July 2, 2017. Standing outside the Edgartown, MA, Town Hall, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Raw Women’s Championship Replaced With Literal Hot Potato

15 Submitted by on Mon, 05 December 2016, 08:00
Austin, TX – After numerous Raw Women’s Championship changes over the past few months, Raw commissioner Stephanie McMahon and Raw general manager Mick Foley unveiled a new tile belt: a literal hot potato. McMahon addressed the stunned crowd saying “We’ve listened to you, the WWE Universe. Actually, I was busy playing Candy Crush on my phone, so I was only Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Slaters Celebrate Thanksgiving

4 Submitted by on Mon, 28 November 2016, 08:00
Pineville, WV – As the sun began to set over Noble’s Trailer Park, the Slater Clan gather ’round their supper table to enjoy their Thanksgiving meal. Current WWE Smackdown Tag Team champion Heath Slater proudly sat at the head of the wobbly card table, looking over his kin. “As your proud Papa, I just want to thank ya’ll for being Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Undertaker Finally Listens to “Rolling” by Limp Bizkit

9 Submitted by on Mon, 21 November 2016, 08:00
Death Valley, CA – WWE legend The Undertaker finally listened to the song “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” by Limp Bizkit and did not like what he heard. Following the his return on the 900th episode of Smackdown, The Undertaker was riding a wave of nostalgia. After watching several of his Smackdown matches on the WWE Network, Undertaker came to the Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Triple H Vows to Defend WWE’s Honor Against ‘Vigilante’ Goldberg

5 Submitted by on Sun, 20 November 2016, 23:10
  TORONTO – Irate over how easily the near-fifty-year-old Bill Goldberg mowed down relentless killing machine Brock Lesnar at the Survivor Series pay-per-view, WWE Chief Operating Officer Triple H is calling out the former WCW World Heavyweight Champion. “This has happened before,” seethed Triple H in an exclusive interview. “Some WCW has-been that has spent the previous decade-plus in seclusion Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Mattel Debuts Rock’em Sock’em Wrestlers Game

9 Submitted by on Mon, 14 November 2016, 08:00
El Segundo, CA – World-famous toy manufacturer Mattel announced today that they have joined forces with the WWE to create a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots game starring WWE wrestlers. In a conference call with investors, Mattel CEO Christopher A. Sinclair said of the partnership, “WWE and Mattel have a long history of creating fun for children and horrible annoyances Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Jack Tunney Expected to Carry Parts Unknown in Landslide

16 Submitted by on Tue, 08 November 2016, 19:32
It’s a landslide! For the ninth Presidential election in a row, incumbent Jack Tunney is expected to win re-election by a hefty amount. To the surprise of no one, Tunney is expected to carry Parts Unknown with the near unanimity of the vote. The sovereignty has consistently voted Tunney since his first appearance on the ballot in 1984, and the Continue Reading...
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