Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Rob Van Dam Defends The WWE European Championship During Clash Of Champions

3 Submitted by on Mon, 18 December 2017, 08:00
Boston, MA – In a shocking and unexpected move, former WWE star Rob Van Dam defended his WWE European Championship during Clash of Champions. A proud Van Dam confidently strode out in front of the crowd, casually hitting his classic “R-V-D” pose! The crowd reaction was a mixture of surprise and confusion, but Van Dam took it in stride. As Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Local Independent Wrestler Hospitalized After Slapping His Thighs Too Much

1 Submitted by on Mon, 11 December 2017, 08:00
Nashua, NH – Independent wrestler Johnny Flipz was hospitalized this weekend due to self-inflicted wounds to his thighs. Flipz was competing in the triple-threat main event of New Hampshire Pro Wrestling Syndicate’s annual “Live Free Or Piledrive” event at Sununu Elementary School against “The Mad Millienial” Matt Milbury and Sgt. Biff Flagg when the injury occurred. “I knew something was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Luchador on Local Indie Show Looks Suspiciously Familiar

0 Submitted by on Mon, 04 December 2017, 08:00
(Today’s Headlie was written by Crapper Seth “Citizen Kane Dewey” Falvo. Thanks Seth!) Mena, AR – Despite being introduced as “a rising star in the underground Mexican wrestling scene” making a one-night only appearance in the United States, many fans in attendance for Saturday night’s Western Arkansas Championship Wrestling (WACW) event felt that promotional newcomer El Ganso Rojo, a luchador Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Impact Wrestling Loses Millions During Black Friday Sale

8 Submitted by on Mon, 27 November 2017, 08:00
Toronto, Canada – While many North American companies reaped the benefits of having Black Friday sales, Impact Wrestling reportedly lost a staggering amount of money. Although a “breakdown in communications” is the company’s official excuse as to why they had such poor and confusing sales, a closed-door meeting among Anthem Sports executives shed light on a litany of issues plaguing Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman Invites The Gobbledy Gooker To Thanksgiving

3 Submitted by on Mon, 20 November 2017, 08:00
Houston, TX – After competing in the traditional 5-on-5 Survivor Series Elimination Match, Braun Strowman invited WWE legend the Gobbledy Gooker to Thanksgiving. Over the past few years, the two have struck up an unlikely friendship as the Gooker has taken Strowman under his wings in a mentoring role. “The difference between NXT and the main roster is huge, and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rusev Day Recognized As A National Holiday

3 Submitted by on Mon, 13 November 2017, 08:00
Washington, DC – In a shocking turn of events, Congress has voted unanimously to make Rusev Day a national holiday. Despite ongoing gridlock in the nation’s capital, both Republicans and Democrats came together to honor WWE Superstar Rusev. The bill moved quickly through both the House and the Senate after a massive groundswell of support for the holiday at the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bray Wyatt Tries To Return Items To A Halloween Store

3 Submitted by on Mon, 06 November 2017, 08:00
Zephyrhills, FL – WWE Superstar Bray Wyatt attempted to return Halloween decorations to his local Spirit Halloween store to no avail. Wyatt walked into the Spirit Halloween store and placed a box full of Halloween decorations and other assorted items on the counter. “Yes, ahem, I would like to return these items,” said Wyatt, squinting at the worker’s name tag. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Throws A Halloween Party

2 Submitted by on Mon, 30 October 2017, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has enlisted the help of several WWE Superstars to ensure that his Halloween party is the best ever. Wrestlers gathered in the entry foyer of McMahon’s mansion which had recently been transformed for a Halloween party. Cobwebs had been stretched across the massive double staircase, plastic skeletons dangled from the expensive chandelier, and Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Tends To His Sick Wrestlers

10 Submitted by on Mon, 23 October 2017, 08:00
Minneapolis, MN – Matches for TLC were thrown in to chaos as both Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt came down with a viral illness. Always concerned with the welfare of his Superstars, WWE CEO Vince McMahon skipped TLC and tended to the sick wrestlers. As a precautionary measure, McMahon sent both wrestlers to Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis. Wearing a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Lance Storm Joins Dancing With The Stars

6 Submitted by on Mon, 16 October 2017, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – In a surprise move, former WWE, WCW, and ECW wrestler Lance Storm has joined the popular dancing competition Dancing With The Stars. Following the increased viewership from wrestling fans after WWE star Nikki Bella joined the cast, network executives requested that another wrestler be added. “Thanks to Nikki, we’ve reached a whole new audience that was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Young Bucks Try Out Some New Catchphrases

6 Submitted by on Mon, 09 October 2017, 08:00
Piscataway, NJ – Popular independent pro wrestling tag team The Young Bucks tried out a number of new catchphrases during their main event match this weekend to the delight of those in attendance. The team, which consists of real life brothers Matt and Nick Jackson, recently received a cease and desist letter from WWE for their usage of the famed Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Brings Back The Bunkhouse Stampede

3 Submitted by on Mon, 02 October 2017, 08:00
Uniondale, NY – After receiving a largely positive response for bringing back NWA/WCW’s event Starrcade, WWE has announced that they will also be bringing back the Bunkhouse Stampede. The Bunkhouse Stampede, which began in 1985, was a battle royal held by the NWA that often saw participants wearing cowboy boots and street clothes. Wrestling legend Dusty Rhodes won the event Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman and Brock Lesnar To Continue Their Feud With A Pie-Eating Contest

3 Submitted by on Mon, 25 September 2017, 08:00
Ontario, CA – Following last night’s brutal championship match at No Mercy, WWE Superstars Braun Strowman and Brock Lesnar have vowed to continue their feud. Strowman, living up to his “I’m not finished with you” mantra, issued another challenge to Lesnar directly after the conclusion of their match. “You’re not man enough to face me again, Lesnar!” barked Strowman. “Week Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Lost Rio De Janeiro IC Title Victory Discovered, Added to ‘Hidden Gems’ on WWE Network

4 Submitted by on Mon, 11 September 2017, 08:00
Stamford, CT – To the surprise of wrestling fans and historians worldwide, WWE has discovered long-lost film of Hall of Famer Pat Patterson’s Intercontinental Championship victory in Rio de Janeiro. The film puts to rest the long-standing belief that the event was fabricated. The incredible discovery was made by WWE archivist Julian Himmelfarb. “We recently acquired a box of old VHS Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Former Women’s Champion Hervina Added To Mae Young Classic

3 Submitted by on Mon, 04 September 2017, 08:00
Orlando, FL – A news conference at the WWE Performance Center revealed that WWE officials have brought a former champion to compete in the Mae Young Classic tournament. “Naturally, when you have a tournament with so many hard-hitting competitors wanting to win the grand prize, you’re going to get some injuries,” said Triple H. “Rather than some woman getting byes Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman To Star In New Romantic Comedy “I’m Not Finished With You”

3 Submitted by on Mon, 28 August 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – WWE Studios announced that their latest movie will feature WWE Superstar Braun Strowman in the lead role of their new romantic comedy, “I’m Not Finished With You”. Strowman, whose popularity has risen in recent months thanks to being portrayed as an unstoppable monster, will be taking on the role of Biff Strongman, a professional wrestler that is Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Baron Corbin Has Been Broken

3 Submitted by on Mon, 21 August 2017, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – WWE Superstar Baron Corbin has developed a new persona in light of recent events. Corbin, who has been acting strangely since losing failing to cash in his Money In The Bank contract on Smackdown, appeared at backstage sporting a new white streak in his suddenly bushy hair. “DELICIOUS!” exclaimed a wide-eyed Corbin while getting a meal at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Father Thrilled Baby’s First Words Are “Suck It”

2 Submitted by on Mon, 14 August 2017, 08:00
West Warwick, RI – On his Facebook page, 33-year-old Edmund Fox proclaimed his overwhelming pride that his 7-month-old daughter Regina’s first words were “Suck it!” Fox, the night shift assistant manager at Sam’s Food Store, was ecstatic when he heard his first-born uttering the famous catchphrase from his favorite tag team, D-Generation X. “At 8:07 am this morning, my sweet Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Deathmatch Resolved With Words, Not Violence

5 Submitted by on Mon, 07 August 2017, 08:00
Voorhees, NJ – The much-anticipated Deathmatch at CZW’s ” Once In A Lifetime” between Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita took a different turn than most experts expected. The crowd was at a fever pitch at the Flyers Skate Zone in Voorhees as “The Bulldozer” Matt Tremont and Atsushi Onita were ready to engage in ultraviolence. With weapons in hand, both Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Moppy Revealed As James Ellsworth’s Mother

8 Submitted by on Mon, 31 July 2017, 08:00
Richmond, VA – In an emotional segment on Smackdown Live, WWE Attitude Era legend Moppy was revealed to be James Ellsworth’s mother. For weeks, Ellsworth has been seen taking secretive phone calls during the show. Many believed that it was Ellsworth’s new girlfriend from Canada that no one has ever seen, but totally exists and is going to make Carmella Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ken Patera Sent To Punjabi Prison

7 Submitted by on Mon, 24 July 2017, 08:00
Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia police announced Monday morning that they have arrested former wrestling star Ken Patera and placed him in Punjabi Prison. In a prepared statement, Philadelphia Police Captain Donald Carpenter said, “At 12:34am this morning, police responded to a break-in at a McDonald’s on North 52nd street. While no money was taken from the registers or the safe, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Disney Taps WWE’s Jack Gallagher For Lead Role In Aladdin

1 Submitted by on Mon, 17 July 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – In a shocking movie, Disney has cast WWE Superstar Jack Gallagher for the titular role in the live-action version of Aladdin. Disney, who publicly stated recently that they were having difficulty filling the lead role, released a statement saying, “There’s just something special about Jack Gallagher that makes him perfect to play a character of Middle Eastern Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Global Force Wrestling’s Fan Excited By TNA Acquisition

7 Submitted by on Mon, 10 July 2017, 08:00
Nashville, TN – Global Force Wrestling’s one and only fan has been making the rounds on wrestling message boards, Facebook groups, and Reddit celebrating the company’s re-branding of TNA. A person by the name of “Joof Jorrett” has been joining various websites to praise the rebirth of his favorite company, Global Force Wrestling. “It’s about dang time someone finally righted Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Unveils New Network Show “Everybody Hates Dolph Ziggler”

3 Submitted by on Mon, 03 July 2017, 08:00
Hollywood, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon announced at a press conference earlier today that the newest original programming on the WWE Network would be a reality show called “Everybody Hates Dolph Ziggler”. McMahon, flanked by his daughter Stephanie and Ziggler himself, explained the premise. “We have Dolph Ziggler going around the country and tape people saying awful things about Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Covers Seth Rollins In Packing Bubbles For His Own Protection

4 Submitted by on Mon, 26 June 2017, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – WWE officials have taken the proactive measure of wrapping WWE Superstar Seth Rollins in protective packing bubbles before every match. The controversial decision was made after Rollins had to receive stitches on his face after last night’s Monday Night Raw. “It’s for his own safety as well as the financial safety of the company,” said Triple Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Reveals Details Of WWE Theme Park

6 Submitted by on Mon, 12 June 2017, 08:00
Orlando, FL – At a press conference, WWE CEO Vince McMahon revealed details for the company’s plans to open their very own them park. Flanked by daughter Stephanie, son Shane, son-in-law Triple H, and the mayor of Orlando, McMahon laid out his vision for the historic theme park. “It is the number one priority of the WWE to entertain the WWE Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Bayley: This Is Your Life” Segment Declared A Crime Scene

18 Submitted by on Mon, 05 June 2017, 08:00
Greenville, SC – The Greenville Sherriff’s office has declared the “Bayley: This Is Your Life” segment from last week’s Monday night Raw a crime scene. The segment, in which WWE Superstar Alexa Bliss mocked Bayley, was universally panned by both the live audience and fans at home. As WWE’s crew was breaking down the ring, Sherriff Marvin Talty arrived with Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Rambo” Greg Gagne Tries To Get Military Discounts On Memorial Day

5 Submitted by on Mon, 29 May 2017, 08:00
Minneapolis, MN – Former AWA star Greg Gagne spent most of his Memorial Day trying to use his former status as a wrestling soldier to score discounts and good deals on products. Gagne, the son of wrestling legend Verne Gagne, donned his old combat fatigues and traveled from local business to local business. Gagne received 5% off new tires, a Continue Reading...
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