Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: “Celebrate VD With Goldust” Event Goes Horribly Wrong

3 Submitted by on Mon, 18 February 2019, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – A Valentine’s Day event featuring WWE Superstar Goldust descended in to chaos due to a misprinting of the invitations. What was supposed to be a family-friendly event filled with art projects and candy turned in to a hook-up party full of swingers and perverts. Unfortunately, an error in prouction that shortened “Valentine’s Day” to “VD” let to Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Starrcast Adds “Insulted By Sunny” Package

1 Submitted by on Mon, 11 February 2019, 08:00
Las Vegas, NV – Starrcast, the smash-hit wrestling convention, has started to announce guests and events for this year’s festivities. While fans have been buzzing about meeting Sting, Bret Hart, and Jerry “The King” Lawler, the biggest news has revolved around an intimate opportunity with WWE Hall Of Famer Sunny. “Last year’s Starrcast was amazing and this year is shaping Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Mitch The Plant Granted His Release From WWE

3 Submitted by on Mon, 04 February 2019, 08:00
Garden City, KS – WWE Superstar and beloved house shrub Mitch The Plant asked for and has been granted his release from WWE. The surprise announcement was made this weekend on WWE.com “We wish Mitch The Plant the best of luck in all of his future endeavors,” it read on WWE’s official website. Many believe that the timing of the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kofi Kingston Avoids Royal Rumble Elimination By Jumping Into Another Dimension

4 Submitted by on Mon, 28 January 2019, 08:00
Phoenix, AZ – Superstar Kofi Kingston wowed the WWE Universe at last night’s Royal Rumble by avoiding elimination with an incredible act that defied space, time, and logic. Kingston, who has become known for his inventive ways of avoiding elimination, was to the floor by Drew McIntyre. Before he came crashing to the ground, an iridescent vortex formed in the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “The Official WWE Cookbook” War Raiders Recipe Made Entirely Of Hair

5 Submitted by on Mon, 21 January 2019, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE officials have revealed another recipe for the upcoming “Official WWE Cookbook” just in time for the Royal Rumble. The cookbook, which contains recipes such as Dean Ambrosia Salad, Mimosa Joes, Braun Beef Stroganoffman, and Zack Ryder’s Microwave Soup For One, was formally announced by WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon. “Your Royal Rumble party is going Continue Reading...
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Headlies: All Elite Wrestling Signs Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids

6 Submitted by on Mon, 14 January 2019, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Cody Rhodes, the leader of the newly-formed All Elite Wrestling, proudly announced that they have signed Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids to a 5-year deal. “Wrestling has a long and storied history of having wrestling phalluses,” explained Rhodes. “The Dicks, The Johnsons, JBL. Everyone was talking about the Penis Druids resurrecting Joey Ryan at All In, so it Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Impact Wrestling Vows To Win Gooker Award Next Year

3 Submitted by on Mon, 07 January 2019, 08:00
Toronto, ON – An emergency meeting of executives at Anthem Sports was called this weekend to discuss Impact Wrestling’s exclusion from the 2018 Gooker Award nominations. Anthem Sports CEO Leonard Asper addressed the issue among his company’s leaders. “How? How does this happen?” asked Asper. “We’ve worked too long and too hard to just be completely left off the Wrestlecrap Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Trying To Dress Lars Sullivan Like The New Year’s Baby

2 Submitted by on Mon, 31 December 2018, 08:00
Orlando, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has taken on NXT Superstar Lars Sullivan as a personal project with a time-honored gimmick. “With the McMahon family coming back on Raw and Smackdown, some plans were pushed to the side,” explained McMahon. “Unfortunately, some of those plans included Lars Sullivan. I felt bad for letting him down, but I came up Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Comet The Reindeer Films Shoot Interview For Kayfabe Commentaries

1 Submitted by on Mon, 24 December 2018, 08:00
Newark, NJ – Legendary reindeer Comet sat down this past weekend with Sean Oliver of Kayfabe Commentaries for shoot interview. Comet did not hold back, unleashing years of pent-up frustration and anger at his former colleagues. “Santa’s Workshop would’ve closed down years ago if it wasn’t for me,” said a disgusted Comet. “It’s like those elves get dumber every year Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Masked Superstar Hyppo Debuts On Raw

3 Submitted by on Mon, 10 December 2018, 08:00
San Diego, CA – A brand new Superstar going by the name of Hyppo made his debut at this week’s Monday Night Raw. Hailing from Lansing, Michigan, the previously unknown newcomer made short work of local opponent. Wearing a large hippopotamus mask over his head and a black singlet with his misspelled name splashed across the front, he wowed the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: XFL Team Announced For Dudleyville

6 Submitted by on Mon, 03 December 2018, 08:00
Stamford, CT – At a press conference this morning, XFL leader Vince McMahon announced the eight launch cities that will be receiving a new team. While cities like New York, Dallas, and Los Angeles were expected, McMahon stunned the sporting world when Dudleyville was announced. “We are 100% ready to launch and compete directly with the NFL,” said McMahon. “We Continue Reading...
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HEADLIES: Cyber Monday Sales of New Becky Lynch Playset Crash WWE.com

4 Submitted by on Mon, 26 November 2018, 21:26
Stamford, CT – Overwhelming Cyber Monday sales at WWEShop.com temporarily crashed the web site’s servers as the WWE unveiled their hottest gift for this Christmas season: the Becky Lynch Broken Face Action Set. “For years, kids have enjoyed our toy roleplay costume sets, enabling them to pretend they are WWE Superstars like John Cena and The Shield,” said Stephanie McMahon, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Raw Defeats Smackdown At Thanksgiving

3 Submitted by on Mon, 26 November 2018, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – WWE’s Raw brand continued their winning streak from Survivor Series, soundly defeating Smackdown with a sumptuous and delectable Thanksgiving meal. Stephanie McMahon welcomed the Raw roster into her palatial mansion. Wrestlers theme songs by the Connecticut Philharmonic Orchestra greeted each guest. Cocktails and hors d’oeuvres were served in the McMahon study beside a roaring fire. An incredible Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Gobbledy Gooker Replaces Charlotte At Survivor Series

2 Submitted by on Mon, 19 November 2018, 08:00
Los Angeles, LA – Last night’s historic Survivor Series was capped off with the surprise return of WWE legend the Gobbledy Gooker. The Gooker, which hasn’t been seen since its brief feud with Joey Janela at Starrcast this summer, was hand-picked by Becky Lynch to replace her. Lynch was set to take on current Raw Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey until Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Stephanie McMahon Caught Vandalizing Disney World

5 Submitted by on Mon, 12 November 2018, 08:00
Orlando, FL – WWE’s Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon was caught by Disney World Security vandalizing several locations throughout the theme park. McMahon made headlines this past week stating that “10-20-30 years from now, there’s no reason we can’t be as big or bigger than Disney.” While most experts in and outside of the wrestling business scoffed at such a Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Hulk Hogan Debuts New “Real Saudi Arabian” Gimmick At Crown Jewel

9 Submitted by on Mon, 05 November 2018, 08:00
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – Wrestling legend Hulk Hogan returned to the WWE this past weekend at Crown Jewel with an all-new pro-Saudi Arabian character. Hogan emerged from the back to a deafening roar from the crowd. While the familiar strains of his classic theme song “Real American” blared over the speakers, subtle changes had been made to the lyrics. While Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Everyone At Halloween Party Thinks Jay White Is Wearing A Costume

2 Submitted by on Mon, 29 October 2018, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – New Japan star Jay “Switchblade” White attended a party this weekend in the greater Los Angeles area and was unaware that it was a Halloween party. Unfortunately for White, he was simply dressed as himself. Many attendees assumed he was in a costume much to his chagrin.. “Yo, man. Killer Danzig costume,” said one woman dressed in Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Officials Trying To Prevent Vince McMahon From Booking Matches At Evolution

3 Submitted by on Mon, 22 October 2018, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE officials have been trying desperately to prevent CEO Vince McMahon from adding booking any matches at Evolution. The all-female event is the first of it’s kind for the WWE and employees are doing all they can to keep Mr. McMahon from causing problems. Distractions, business trips, and feeding him Nyquil have proved fruitless. “We really need Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Former TNA Mascot Stomper Joins WWE

3 Submitted by on Mon, 15 October 2018, 08:00
Stamford, CT – In an impromptu news conference Monday morning, WWE CEO Vince McMahon announced that his company has signed former TNA mascot Stomper to be the new face of his company. Several weeks ago, Impact Wrestling officials were seen entering WWE Headquarters. While many speculated that WWE was interested in buying Impact Wrestling outright, the truth was more surprising Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Outback Jack Makes Triumphant Return At Super Show-Down

4 Submitted by on Mon, 08 October 2018, 08:00
Melbourne, Australia – The wrestling world was stunned this weekend as former WWF wrestling legend Outback Jack made his triumphant return to the company. The special event took, which took place in Melbourne, featured a list of current and future WWE Hall of Famers. While local fans were pleased to see their fellow Australians Buddy Murphy and The Iiconics come Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Actor Joaquin Phoenix Set To Become The New Doink

3 Submitted by on Mon, 24 September 2018, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – Actor Joaquin Phoenix has announced that he will become the latest incarnation of Doink The Clown in WWE. Phoenix, famous for his roles in movies such as Signs, Walk The Line, and Gladiator, set the entertainment world ablaze this week when pictures of him dressed as a clown surfaced. While many believed the pictures were from Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Hell In A Cell Accidentally Sent To Hell, Michigan

3 Submitted by on Mon, 17 September 2018, 08:00
  Hell, MI – A mix-up in WWE’s shipping department sent the giant 5-sided red structure to the small town of Hell, Michigan and left the pay-per-view without it’s namesake cage. The giant structure was accidentally sent to Michigan due to an error with Shop.WWE.com. “Near as we can tell, someone ordered a Hell In A Cell playset and the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Butcher” Vachon Comes Out Of Retirement To Teach Young Wrestlers A Lesson

8 Submitted by on Mon, 10 September 2018, 08:00
Rutland, VT – Wrestling legend Paul “Butcher” Vachon has come out of retirement and returned to the ring for one last shot at championship gold. Vachon, most famous for winning various tag team championships with his brother Maurice “Mad Dog” Vachon, has been having tag team matches on the independent New England wrestling scene. While many are surprised that Vachon Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Eric Bischoff Finally Reads “The Death Of WCW”

4 Submitted by on Mon, 03 September 2018, 10:20
Schaumburg, IL – As the crowds dissipated and the lights faded from Starrcast, former WCW owner Eric Bischoff did something he thought he would never do: read RD Reynolds’ and Bryan Alvarez’s comprehensive book The Death Of WCW. The Death of WCW panel, which became heated at several points as Bischoff hurled insults at a calm and diplomatic Reynolds, was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The OGz To Face LAX In A Lowrider Sumo Match

3 Submitted by on Mon, 27 August 2018, 08:00
  Toronto, Ontario CA – Following the horrific hit-and-run murder of their friend Richie, LAX have vowed revenge on The OGz by challenging them to a lowrider sumo match. “Kingston, Homicide, and Hernandez are going to pay,” said Konnan. “They came into our neighborhood, disrespected the block, and took our poor little Richie. He was the light of my life. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Becky Lynch Buries Charlotte Flair With Becky Lynch Dolls

2 Submitted by on Mon, 20 August 2018, 08:00
Brooklyn, NY – Beloved Superstar Becky Lynch turned Charlotte Flair following the Smackdown Women’s title at Summerslam in a stunning an unexpected fashion. Lynch battled with Charlotte Flair and Carmella in a see-saw match. Flair dominated most of the match with her technical skills and Carmella tried to cheat at every turn. Lynch, with the crowd solidly behind her, rallied Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Meat Eric Bischoff” Added To Starrcast

4 Submitted by on Mon, 13 August 2018, 08:00
Chicago, IL – Starrcast, the wrestling fan convention being held in conjunction with the upcoming wrestling event All In, has added a special meet and greet to the list of events. Dubbed “Meat Eric Bischoff” fans will now get a chance to purchase meat directly from the former head of WCW. “We want to give the fans something special at Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Brock Lesnar Starts A Book Club

11 Submitted by on Mon, 06 August 2018, 08:00
(Image VIA) Jacksonville, FL – While most fans were discussing Brock Lesnar’s explosive return to Monday Night Raw last week, the sight of Lesnar reading a magazine backstage caught many off guard. “People forget that I went to college. Sure, I was there to wrestle, but I was also there to get an education,” said Lesnar matter-of-factly. “I’m not some Continue Reading...
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