Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Paul Wight Launches Marko Stunt Into The Sun

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 March 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Newly signed AEW star Paul Wight made a splash this weekend after launching fellow wrestler Marko Stunt into the sun. Wight, formerly known as The Big Show in WWE, spent his Saturday introducing himself to members of the AEW roster. After reconnecting with old friends and glad-handing management, Wight met Stunt. Rather than shake Wight’s hand, Stunt Continue Reading...

Headlies: Ric Flair – Lacey Evans Gender Reveal Party Goes To A Sixty Minute Broadway

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 February 2021, 08:00

Charlotte, NC – A gender reveal party for Lacey Evans and Ric Flair’s child resulted in a time-limit draw with no clear winner. The amorous septuagenarian and the Sassy Southern Belle celebrated their unexpected conception in Flair’s backyard. Joining the happy couple were friends, family, and members of the Four Horsemen not currently under AEW contracts. Even Ric’s daughter, Charlotte Continue Reading...

Headlies: Valentine’s Day Promotion Forces ThunderDome To Shut Down

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 February 2021, 08:00

Orlando, FL – A Valentine’s Day event where fans show how much they love the WWE turned X-rated and forced the company to turn off the ThunderDome. The event, dubbed ‘Show Your Love For WWE’ was advertised as a chance for the WWE Universe to show their affections for the company. WWE officials got more than they bargained for as Continue Reading...

Headlies: XFL’s Tampa Bay Vipers Win The Super Bowl

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 February 2021, 08:00

Tampa Bay, FL – In an unprecedented turn of events, the XFL’s Tampa Bay Vipers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs to win their first ever Super Bowl. Led by quarterback Taylor “Corndog” Cornelius, the Vipers decimated Chiefs’ secondary. Crisp, tight spirals soared majestically through the air all night, netting a record seven touchdown passes. On the defensive side, former Super Continue Reading...

Headlies: Peacock Wins The Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 February 2021, 08:00

St. Petersburg, FL – In a shocking turn of events, a man in a giant peacock costume won the Royal Rumble. With its iridescent coloration and expansive feathers, the large man-bird entered the Rumble at the coveted 30th spot. Confused and terrified, many Superstars eliminated themselves in an act of self-preservation. After extensive flexing, preening, and pecking, Peacock made short Continue Reading...

Headlies: Shawn Michaels Pardoned For Barber Shop Window Incident

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 January 2021, 08:00

Corpus Christi, TX – WWE legend Shawn Michaels received a full presidential pardon this week for the infamous Barber Shop Window incident in 1992. The event, which saw Michaels throw his Rockers partner Marty Janetty through a window, has been on Michaels’ record for decades. In a last-minute flurry of activity before leaving office, President Donald Trump issued a slew Continue Reading...

Headlies: Reunited Bullet Club Members Struggle To Find New Name

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 January 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – A surprise reunion of former Bullet Club members on AEW’s New Year’s Smash has forced the former faction to create a new team name. The famous wrestling group primarily appeared in New Japan Pro-Wrestling, but due to strict copyright laws, AEW champion Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Luke Gallows, and Karl Anderson are now forced to use Continue Reading...

Headlies: Trump Supporters Unable To Find And Storm WWE Hall Of Fame

13 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 January 2021, 08:00

After several days of searching, a group of Donald Trump supporters were unable to find and storm the WWE Hall Of Fame. The six car and one 1997 Pontiac Astro Wagon caravan began their journey in Florida, slowly making their way up the East coast towards Connecticut. The poorly planned trip worked on the assumption that the much-advertised hall of Continue Reading...

Headlies: Randy Orton Lights WWE Legend Moppy On Fire

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 January 2021, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Randy Orton’s fire-fueled frenzy continued this week after he set beloved superstar Moppy ablaze during Legends Night. The gathering of legends, meant to honor former stars and definitely not to boost ratings, started off as expected. Icons such as Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Alicia Fox thanked the nonexistent crowd for their support and well wishes. Hillbilly Continue Reading...

Headlies: Sammy Guevara Gets His Tongue Stuck To A Pole

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 December 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Inner Circle member Sammy Guevara needed help from emergency rescue crews this weekend after getting his tongue stuck to a light pole. The AEW stable, rowdy from partying at Time Out Sports Grill, raised havoc throughout downtown Jacksonville. Signs were knocked over, Ubers were ordered then cancelled, and nurples were purpled. Teasing and pranks escalated on the Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Performs Santa With Muscles Table Read

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 December 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials, Superstars, and underlings gathered together to do a table reading of the holiday classic, Santa With Muscles. According to WWE COO Triple H, the special mandatory read-through was done to bring holiday spirit. He insisted it was definitely not for any other reason. “It’s been a tough year, we’re trying to put a smile on Continue Reading...

Headlies: The General Confronts Brandi Rhodes

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 December 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Insurance spokes-cartoon The General joined Papa John’s investor Shaquille O’Neal to confront AEW CBO Brandi Rhodes following the shocking water-splashing incident on Dynamite. O’Neal, the genius behind the album ‘Shaq Diesel’ was joined by the cartoon spokesman to confront Rhodes. AEW announcer Tony Schiavone was brought in to mediate the discussion. “At the request of AEW officials, Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Moves To The Villages After Signing Sting

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 December 2020, 08:00

The Villages, FL – All Elite Wrestling stunned the world for a second time this week after announcing that they would be moving their base of operations to The Villages. Known as ‘Florida’s Friendliest Active Adult Retirement Community’, The Villages is a sprawling age-restricted city. Community rules dictate that no one under 55 can live in The Villages, but AEW Continue Reading...

Headlies: Triple H “Dressed As The Rock” Balloon Debuts At Greenwich Thanksgiving Day Parade

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 November 2020, 08:00

Greenwich, CT – A giant balloon of WWE Hall of Famer Triple H dressed as The Rock debuted at this year’s Greenwich Thanksgiving Day Parade. The balloon, referencing the infamous in-ring segment where Degeneration-X impersonating The Nation of Domination, featured WWE Executive Vice President Triple H dressed up like beloved movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Sporting a fake wig, Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW To Release First-Person Psychological Horror Video Game

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 November 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – In a phone call this morning, AEW CEO Tony Khan announced that AEW’s first video game will be a first-person psychological horror game and not a traditional wrestling game that many expected. “We here at AEW are all huge video game fans and we want to provide the fans something truly different,” said Khan. “A wrestling game Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Dreading Election References During Monday Night Raw

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 November 2020, 08:00

Washington, D.C. – The WWE Universe is bracing themselves for many painful lines and skits referencing the presidential election on this week’s Monday Night Raw. Apprehension grew over the weekend as rumors spread of WWE procuring hundreds of miniature American flags. Pictures of red, white, and blue fireworks at the Amway Center have been shared on Twitter. An article by Continue Reading...

Headlies: Teens Missing After Entering Haunted Impact Zone

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 November 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Authorities are reporting that four local teenagers have been missing since Halloween night. Friends report last seeing the group entering the former home of TNA Wrestling, the Impact Zone. Rumors have been rampant that the old, decrepit wrestling location has been haunted since its closing in 2018. “We’re still trying to piece together exactly what happened,” Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Begins Production Of ‘Newsies’ Musical With Wrestling Legends

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 October 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Building off of this past week’s Chris Jericho/MFJ musical number, All Elite Wrestling will now be producing their own version of the Broadway hit, Newsies. The musical, based off the 1992 Disney movie about the Newsboys Strike of 1899, will feature wrestling legends Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts in lead roles. “The response Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Now Using “Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal” For All Decisions

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 October 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – After the positive feedback from reintroducing WCW’s iconic “Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal” on NXT, WWE officials have agreed to start using the wheel to make all of their decisions. WWE CEO Vince McMahon revealed the new contraption at a meeting this morning. “The truth of the matter is, no matter what we do, we’ll always Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bray Wyatt Drafted To Raw, The Fiend Drafted To Smackdown

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 October 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – In a shocking WWE Draft moment, Bray Wyatt has been drafted to Monday Night Raw while his alter ego The Fiend will be going to Smackdown. The stunning split is just the latest in a series of breakups that also included The New Day and Heavy Machinery. While many pointed out that Wyatt is, in fact, the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cody Rhodes Responds To Sporticus, Stephanie

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 October 2020, 08:00

Lazy Town – AEW star Cody Rhodes issued a stinging rebuke this past Wednesday on Dynamite to his sworn enemies Sporticus and Stephanie. Sporting his newly-dyed and plastic-looking jet black hair and a purple and red striped jumpsuit, Rhodes shifted his attention away from Brodie Lee and the AEW Television championship. Citing his newfound love and junk food and watching Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Reveals How They Named Retribution Members

14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 September 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – At their weekly meeting, WWE Creative revealed the source behind the new name for members of Retribution. On last week’s Monday night Raw, the upstart faction Retribution revealed their themselves,” said Bruce Prichard. “No, wait. That doesn’t sound right. Last week, Retribution unveiled their members. Dang it. I mean they told us their names. There, that works.” Continue Reading...

Headlies: Phantom Fan Joins The Firefly Fun House

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 September 2020, 08:00

Snake Bight, FL – Bray Wyatt’s Firefly Fun House has grown by one with the addition of his newest friend, The Phantom Fan. The featureless Phantom Fan joins fellow Funhouse friends Ramblin’ Rabbit, Sister Abigail, Mercy, Huskus, and Wobbly Walrus. “Yowie, wowie!” exclaimed Wyatt. “Phantom Fan, I haven’t seen you since Wrestlemania! Welcome to the Firefly Fun House! Now Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cold Fish Joins All Elite Wrestling

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 September 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Hot off of the surprise acquisition of Miro, All Elite Wrestling has announced that they have also signed Miro’s former partner, a cold, dead fish. Cold Fish, last scene on WWE television being thrown at Lana, is just the latest former WWE star to appear in AEW. The signing has sent ripples of excitement throughout the wrestling Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Forces WWE Wrestlers To Use Tout

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 September 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Following Vince McMahon’s directive to close all third-party social media accounts, WWE wrestlers have now been instructed to set up accounts on Tout. Tout, a social media platform that specialized in 15-second videos, was heavily promoted by WWE in 2012. Despite investing $5 million into Tout, WWE left the partnership in 2014. The company became inactive Continue Reading...

Headlies: Retribution Have A Nice Day Off

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 31 August 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – After months of attacking various members of the WWE roster and disrupting television tapings, insurgent faction Retribution decided to reward themselves with a nice day off. Still wearing their trademark black masks, hoodies, and pants, the mysterious group entered Universal’s Island Of Adventure. Although they are bent on destroying the WWE, Retribution made sure to maintain at least Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Appearing On “WWE ThunderDome” Blocked By Other Fan’s Sign

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 August 2020, 08:00

Cape Girardeau, MO – WWE ThunderDome attendee Emmitt Emerson’s Summerslam viewing experience was ruined last night after another fan held up a sign for the entire event. Despite not actually being the same location, another fan’s sign blocked Emerson’s view for almost the entirety of the event. “Y’know, I was really excited to be in the audience as part of Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Launches “Shut Up And Give Chris Jericho $50” Group

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 August 2020, 08:00

Lake Keystone, FL – All Elite Wrestling has announced the creation of a new group for wrestling fans that want to give Chris Jericho their money. Dubbed “Shut Up And Give Chris Jericho $50”, AEW describes the group as a ‘community for wrestling fans who love wrestling, shutting up, and giving Chris Jericho $50.’ Following in the footsteps of Brandi Continue Reading...

Headlies: Don “The Rock” Muraco Buys The WBF

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 August 2020, 08:00

Sunset Beach, HI – WWE Hall of Famer Don “The Rock” Muraco shocked the business world this week by announcing that he has purchased the World Bodybuilding Federation. The WBF was the brainchild of WWE CEO Vince McMahon in 1990. Believing that competitive bodybuilding was the way of the future, the WBF held two Pay-Per-View events before disbanding in 1992. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Randy Hogan Answers The TNT Title Open Challenge

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 August 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Former NWA and WCW staple Randy Hogan has answered the TNT Champion Cody Rhodes’ open challenge and will be facing him on Dynamite. Hogan, who has rarely been seen since the mid 90’s issued a fiery promo on AEW Dark. “Oooooh, yeah, brother! These 24-inch pythons are the cream of the crop. Dig it, Jack!” screamed Hogan. Continue Reading...