Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Velveteen Dream Emerges From Giant Boot At WWE Stomping Grounds

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 June 2019, 08:00

Tacoma, WA – Wrestling fans were shocked last night when NXT North American Champion Velveteen Dream made his WWE debut at Stomping Grounds. What was quickly becoming just another typical WWE pay-per-view became a night to remember as a the beloved NXT wrestler appeared on the main roster. WWE’s ring crew wheeled a giant boot on to the main stage. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bryan Alvarez Ruins Stunt Family Picnic

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 June 2019, 08:00

Olive Branch, MS – Figure Four Online/Wrestling Observer writer and podcaster Bryan Alvarez traveled to the hometown of rival Marko Stunt and ruined the Stunt Family Father’s Day picnic. The Stunt Family, consisting of Papa Stunt, Mama Stunt, and wrestlers Marko and Logan, arrived at the Olive Branch City Park Sunday afternoon. Mama Stunt laid out a blanket as Papa Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE To Recreate Wrestlemania I Main Event For Next Saudi Arabia Show

14 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 June 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Hot on the heels of their latest special event in Saudi Arabia, WWE has announced that they will be recreating the classic Wrestlemania I main event match that featured Hulk Hogan and Mr. T taking on “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff. “We are very excited to be going back to Saudi Arabia so soon,” Continue Reading...

Headlies: Superstar Billy Graham To Join Announcing Team At ‘All Out’

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 June 2019, 08:00

Chicago, IL – All Elite Wrestling head Cody Rhodes has announced that former WWWF Heavyweight champion ‘Superstar’ Billy Graham will be doing color commentary at the group’s newly-announced ‘All Out’ event. The move is seen as the latest shot at WWE as AEW continues to pick up their former talent. Rhodes denies this allegation. “We’re creating something new with AEW,” Continue Reading...

Headlies: Stubby Banned From Las Vegas Following Starrcast Incident

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 May 2019, 08:00

Las Vegas, NV – In a first for the state of Nevada, beloved Wrestlecrap dummy Stubby has been banned for life from the entire city of Las Vegas. Stubby arrived in Las Vegas late Friday night, already drunk. After stumbling off the plane and taking a taxi to Caesar’s Palace, the Wrestlecrap mascot managed to lose $500 at blackjack. Security Continue Reading...

Headlies: Lacey Evans Gets Stuck In A Revolving Door

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 May 2019, 08:00

Hartford, CT – WWE Superstar Lacey Evans missed her championship match at Money In The Bank last night after she became stuck in one of the XL Center’s revolving doors. Evans, who was set to challenge Becky Lynch for the Raw Women’s Title, arrived at the arena along with the other wrestlers, but was not seen in the locker room Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Continues To Prank The Revival

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 May 2019, 08:00

London, UK – Following last week’s angle that featured The Revival suffering the effects of having “Ucy Hot” placed in their trunks, Vince McMahon has personally started pulling pranks on the tag team. During the company’s overseas flight, McMahon continuously tapped both Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder on the shoulders and pretended to be doing something else when they looked. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Money In The Bank Briefcases Repossessed After Audit From IRS

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 May 2019, 08:00

Cincinnati, OH – The Money In The Bank pay-per-view is in danger of being cancelled after the contract-holding briefcases were taken by IRS and Repo Man. Irwin R. Schyster, the diabolical tax man, performed an audit of WWE’s finances following the April 15th deadline and did not like what he saw. “Sloppy paperwork, using an ink color other than blue Continue Reading...

Headlies: Eli Cottonwood Goes Mustache-To-Mustache With Robert Roode

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 29 April 2019, 08:00

Former NXT competitor Eli Cottonwood has returned to the WWE to challenge Robert Roode for mustache supremacy. Cottonwood, who competed on the second season of NXT, was mainly known for his height and his mustache. While not as thick and luscious as other mustaches in wrestling like Ox Baker’s or Big Bully Busick’s, Cottonwood’s was good enough to earn itself Continue Reading...

Headlies: ‘The Viking Experience’ Renamed As ‘Submission Sorority’

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 April 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – After a large outcry from fans following their debut on Monday Night Raw, The Viking Experience will now be known as Submission Sorority. Social media exploded with rage as the tag team, who were known as War Raiders in NXT and War Machine in ROH, appeared on WWE television for the first time. The Superstars formerly known Continue Reading...

Headlies: Daniel Bryan Recycles His WWE Championship

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 April 2019, 08:00

Aberdeen, WA – Following his title loss at Wrestlemania, former WWE champion Daniel Bryan has decided to recycle his championship belt. Made from 100% eco-friendly organic hemp, naturally fallen oak, and naturally-sourced stones, Bryan’s championship was a symbol of his environmentalism and rage against the greedy Baby Boomers and corporate machine. “The loss is devastating, but I can’t let my Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Miss Wrestlemania After Train Gets Stuck On The Tracks

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 April 2019, 08:00

East Rutherford, NJ – Tragedy occurred for hundreds of wrestling fans as the subways they were traveling on to attend Wrestlemania became stuck on the tracks for several hours, causing them to miss the event. “We, underestimated the sheer number of people that would be traveling via subway to MetLife Stadium, and unfortunately, the tracks could not handle the extra Continue Reading...

Headlies: Linda McMahon Leaves Trump Administration, Signs With All Elite Wrestling

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 April 2019, 08:38

Orlando, FL – In a move that shocked both the political and the wrestling world, Linda McMahon has resigned from her position in President Trump’s Administration and has joined the upstart All Elite Wrestling company. McMahon, who had been serving as the Small Business Administrator, announced Friday that she would be leaving Trump’s Cabinet. She was seen as a steady Continue Reading...

Headlies: Hundreds Of Dead Wrestling Angles Found In The Basement Of Titan Towers

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 March 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Local and state police officers were called to Titan Towers, the headquarters of WWE, after a gruesome discovery was made in the company’s basement. Earlier this week, WWE announced that they were moving to a new office complex in 2021 after decades at Titan Towers. The grisly discovery was made during a routine walkthrough from building inspectors, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kofi Kingston Added To Every Wrestlemania Match

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 March 2019, 08:00

Indianapolis, IN – In a surprise announcement on Smackdown, Vince McMahon declared that fan-favorite Kofi Kingston would be taking part in every Wrestlemania match. Since his surprise inclusion in the Elimination Chamber match, Kofi Kingston has received a groundswell of support from the WWE Universe. Recently, though, McMahon has stood in his way, denying Kingston a shot at the WWE Continue Reading...

Headlies: Samoa Joe Tries To Convince Vince McMahon That He Is Actually American

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 March 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – This past week’s WWE writer’s meeting was dominated by WWE Superstar Samoa Joe trying desperately to convince Vince McMahon that he is, in fact, American. “Before we get started, I’d just like to say welcome to our new United States Champion, Samoa Joe,” said Vince McMahon to the applause of everyone in the room. “Now, to make Continue Reading...

Headlies: Ronda Rousey Ruins Everything For Everyone

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 March 2019, 08:00

Riverside, CA – Current Raw Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has embraced her role as a spoiler following a public faux pas on Twitter. Rousey recently upset fans by claiming that Becky Lynch’s recent mugshot photo was fake and using transphobic insults. Many fans and industry insiders felt that Rousey’s comments ruined the current feud and badly exposed the business. Seeing Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Still Rewriting Last Week’s Raw

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 February 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Despite having already aired live on television, WWE CEO Vince McMahon is still hard at work rewriting the episode. As reported by Dave Meltzer, last week’s Monday night Raw was still be rewritten as the show was airing. The event harkened back to the dark days of WCW when the company was in a slow death spiral. Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Celebrate VD With Goldust” Event Goes Horribly Wrong

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 February 2019, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – A Valentine’s Day event featuring WWE Superstar Goldust descended in to chaos due to a misprinting of the invitations. What was supposed to be a family-friendly event filled with art projects and candy turned in to a hook-up party full of swingers and perverts. Unfortunately, an error in prouction that shortened “Valentine’s Day” to “VD” let to Continue Reading...

Headlies: Starrcast Adds “Insulted By Sunny” Package

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 February 2019, 08:00

Las Vegas, NV – Starrcast, the smash-hit wrestling convention, has started to announce guests and events for this year’s festivities. While fans have been buzzing about meeting Sting, Bret Hart, and Jerry “The King” Lawler, the biggest news has revolved around an intimate opportunity with WWE Hall Of Famer Sunny. “Last year’s Starrcast was amazing and this year is shaping Continue Reading...

Headlies: Mitch The Plant Granted His Release From WWE

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 February 2019, 08:00

Garden City, KS – WWE Superstar and beloved house shrub Mitch The Plant asked for and has been granted his release from WWE. The surprise announcement was made this weekend on WWE.com “We wish Mitch The Plant the best of luck in all of his future endeavors,” it read on WWE’s official website. Many believe that the timing of the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kofi Kingston Avoids Royal Rumble Elimination By Jumping Into Another Dimension

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 January 2019, 08:00

Phoenix, AZ – Superstar Kofi Kingston wowed the WWE Universe at last night’s Royal Rumble by avoiding elimination with an incredible act that defied space, time, and logic. Kingston, who has become known for his inventive ways of avoiding elimination, was to the floor by Drew McIntyre. Before he came crashing to the ground, an iridescent vortex formed in the Continue Reading...

Headlies: “The Official WWE Cookbook” War Raiders Recipe Made Entirely Of Hair

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 January 2019, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials have revealed another recipe for the upcoming “Official WWE Cookbook” just in time for the Royal Rumble. The cookbook, which contains recipes such as Dean Ambrosia Salad, Mimosa Joes, Braun Beef Stroganoffman, and Zack Ryder’s Microwave Soup For One, was formally announced by WWE Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon. “Your Royal Rumble party is going Continue Reading...

Headlies: All Elite Wrestling Signs Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 January 2019, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Cody Rhodes, the leader of the newly-formed All Elite Wrestling, proudly announced that they have signed Joey Ryan’s Penis Druids to a 5-year deal. “Wrestling has a long and storied history of having wrestling phalluses,” explained Rhodes. “The Dicks, The Johnsons, JBL. Everyone was talking about the Penis Druids resurrecting Joey Ryan at All In, so it Continue Reading...

Headlies: Impact Wrestling Vows To Win Gooker Award Next Year

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 January 2019, 08:00

Toronto, ON – An emergency meeting of executives at Anthem Sports was called this weekend to discuss Impact Wrestling’s exclusion from the 2018 Gooker Award nominations. Anthem Sports CEO Leonard Asper addressed the issue among his company’s leaders. “How? How does this happen?” asked Asper. “We’ve worked too long and too hard to just be completely left off the Wrestlecrap Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Trying To Dress Lars Sullivan Like The New Year’s Baby

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 31 December 2018, 08:00

Orlando, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has taken on NXT Superstar Lars Sullivan as a personal project with a time-honored gimmick. “With the McMahon family coming back on Raw and Smackdown, some plans were pushed to the side,” explained McMahon. “Unfortunately, some of those plans included Lars Sullivan. I felt bad for letting him down, but I came up Continue Reading...

Headlies: Comet The Reindeer Films Shoot Interview For Kayfabe Commentaries

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 December 2018, 08:00

Newark, NJ – Legendary reindeer Comet sat down this past weekend with Sean Oliver of Kayfabe Commentaries for shoot interview. Comet did not hold back, unleashing years of pent-up frustration and anger at his former colleagues. “Santa’s Workshop would’ve closed down years ago if it wasn’t for me,” said a disgusted Comet. “It’s like those elves get dumber every year Continue Reading...

Headlies: La Parka Serves As Official Chair Inspector At TLC

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 December 2018, 08:00

San Jose, CA – Beloved luchador La Parka made his surprising return to US professional wrestling last night at WWE’s TLC event. The masked Superstar, known for his skeleton outfit and incredible dance moves, was hired by WWE COO Triple H to ensure all chairs used at TLC were up to code. “Thing tend to get wild at TLC,” said Continue Reading...

Headlies: Masked Superstar Hyppo Debuts On Raw

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 December 2018, 08:00

San Diego, CA – A brand new Superstar going by the name of Hyppo made his debut at this week’s Monday Night Raw. Hailing from Lansing, Michigan, the previously unknown newcomer made short work of local opponent. Wearing a large hippopotamus mask over his head and a black singlet with his misspelled name splashed across the front, he wowed the Continue Reading...

Headlies: XFL Team Announced For Dudleyville

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 December 2018, 08:00

Stamford, CT – At a press conference this morning, XFL leader Vince McMahon announced the eight launch cities that will be receiving a new team. While cities like New York, Dallas, and Los Angeles were expected, McMahon stunned the sporting world when Dudleyville was announced. “We are 100% ready to launch and compete directly with the NFL,” said McMahon. “We Continue Reading...