Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: The Rock To Star In ‘Centipede’ Movie

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 April 2018, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – Following the surprise success of Rampage, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has agreed to start in the new Centipede movie. “The Rock is proud of every movie he’s starred in,” said The Rock. “From Race To Witch Mountain all the way to Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, they’ve all been winners. There’s something special about Rampage, though. The Continue Reading...

Headlies: Nicholas To Face Necro Butcher At CZW’s Tournament Of Death

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 April 2018, 08:00

Townsend, DE – The wrestling world was stunned today with the announcement that former WWE tag team champion Nicholas will be taking on the Necro Butcher at CZW’s Tournament of Death. The event, which takes place in an empty field in Delaware, has become famous for extreme acts of violence and mayhem. It is not uncommon for wrestlers to leave Continue Reading...

Headlies: Thousands Of Fans Wear The Same Bullet Club Shirt To Wrestlemania

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 April 2018, 08:00

New Orleans, LA – Fans in attendance for Wrestlemania were shocked and embarrassed to find that thousands of others in attendance were wearing the same exact Bullet Club shirt. “I knew something was wrong when I got on the plane to come here and saw about 30 Bullet Club shirts,” said professional Fortnite player Jeff Slater. “I figured they’d Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Staff Already Ignoring Kid Rock

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 April 2018, 08:00

New Orleans, LA – WWE officials, staff members, and Superstars have all collectively started to ignore Hall of Fame Inductee Kid Rock. The rap/rock/country artist arrived in New Orleans early this morning to go through a walk-through for his WWE Hall of Fame inductions. The wrestling world was shocked when he was announced alongside beloved professional wrestling figures as Goldberg Continue Reading...

Headlies: Shane McMahon To Jump Off Of Braun Strowman At Wrestlemania

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 March 2018, 08:00

Pittsburgh, PA – Although he does not officially have a match for Wrestlemania, Shane McMahon has already announced that he plans to jump off of Braun Strowman. McMahon has made a name for himself in recent years by jumping off of incredibly tall structures during matches. He famously jumped off an ambulance, the Titantron, and the Hell In A Cell. Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Announces The Inaugural “Matilda Memorial Battle Royal”

15 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 March 2018, 08:00

Stamford, CT – At a press conference earlier today, WWE officials announced that Wrestlemania will be hosting the inaugural all-animal Matilda Memorial Battle Royal. “The fur is really going to fly at this year’s Wrestlemania as thirty animals will battle in a WWE ring,” said Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon. “Strong. Powerful. Smelly. These unique Superstars have set the bar Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Already Ready For Wrestlemania

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 March 2018, 08:00

Red Springs, NC – Die-hard pro wrestling fan Aiden Garcia is already prepared to watch Wrestlemania despite the event not taking place for another four weeks. “I’ve been waiting all year for this and I’m not going to miss a single second,” said the unmarried 36-year-old. “I’m on the road to Wrestlemania and nothing is going to detour me. Not Continue Reading...

Headlies: Ronda Rousey Sent Down To OVW For Training

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 March 2018, 08:00

Louisville, KY – After her performance on last week’s Monday Night Raw, WWE officials have sent recent signee Ronda Rousey to Ohio Valley Wrestling for training and seasoning. “We had really high hopes. Possibly too high,” said Triple H. “It’s already pretty obvious that Ronda isn’t quite ready for the WWE way of doing things. That hip toss at Elimination Continue Reading...

Headlies: Elias Found Sleeping In His Pod After Elimination Chamber

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 February 2018, 08:00

Las Vegas, NV – WWE Crew members were shocked to discover Elias, who had recently competed in the Elimination Chamber match, asleep inside one of the Chamber’s pods. “We were just breaking down the set like we always do and one of our guys discovered Elias,” explained crew leader Bill MacIntosh. “We found him curled up in one of the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Lars Sullivan’s Dyslexic Brother Sral Joins NXT

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 February 2018, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Recent NXT breakout star Lars Sullivan was shocked to discover that his younger brother Sral, who from the learning disability Dyslexia, has signed with NXT. The addition of his previously unknown brother to NXT has worsened an already strained relationship. “He’s always following me wherever I go!” said Lars as his stomp his foot in frustration. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Nikki Bella Unimpressed With John Cena’s Valentine’s Day Efforts

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 February 2018, 08:00

Tampa, FL – Despite his best efforts, WWE Superstar John Cena was unable to impress his fiancé Nikki Bella during their Valentine’s Day celebration. Bella entered the palatial mansion owned by Cena and was met with a long trail of rose petals imported from Ecuador. She rolled her eyes as the petals crunched beneath her Skechers. The scent of Bella’s Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Mentoring Program Pairs Kairi Sane With Tugboat

13 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 February 2018, 08:00

Lakeland, FL – WWE has launched a new mentoring program pairing veterans from the past with current Superstars. The program is similar to the NXT coaching concept with the exception that some forethought and planning was put into the pairing process. “After seeing the success of Raw 25, I just knew we had to bring back some of our old Continue Reading...

Headlies: Roman Reigns Somehow Wins The Women’s Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 29 January 2018, 08:00

Philadelphia, PA – In a shocking and bewildering turn of events, WWE Superstar Roman Reigns has become the first winner of the Women’s Royal Rumble. Defying all the odds and universally-accepted rules, the former WWE World Heavyweight Champion captured glory despite not competing in the match and, despite the suggestions of many fans, not being a woman. The women’s Rumble Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Officials Scramble To Find Guests For Raw 25

10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 January 2018, 08:00

Brooklyn, NY – After a sudden outbreak of the flu affecting most of the guest stars set to appear at the Monday Night Raw 25th Anniversary, WWE officials have been working nonstop to find replacements. “Everybody is sick,” said Stephanie McMahon. “Stone Cold Steve Austin, Trish Stratus, JR, Ric Flair, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels. All of them bed-ridden and feverish and Continue Reading...

Headlies: Impact Wrestling Debuts No-Sided Ring

11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 January 2018, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Impact Wrestling shocked both fans and wrestlers this week by completely doing away with all sides of their wrestling ring. Initially, the company announced they were removing their iconic six-sided ring for a more traditional four-sided ring, but a second change was made late Friday night. In place of the traditional ropes, turnbuckles, and mat, wrestlers will Continue Reading...

Headlies: Dixie Carter Added To The Women’s Royal Rumble

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 January 2018, 08:00

Memphis, TN – In a surprising move, WWE has announced that former head of TNA Wrestling Dixie Carter, will be entering the Women’s Royal Rumble. The shocking announcement stunned the audience and wrestling experts alike who were expecting this to be the introduction of MMA fighter Ronda Rousey. Stephanie McMahon, the defacto leader of the women’s division, introduced Carter on Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Caught Making Up Names While Talking About Wrestle Kingdom

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 January 2018, 08:00

Shrewsbury, MA – During an extensive discussion of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s upcoming Wrestle Kingdom 12, it was revealed that longtime wrestling fan Jack Ames has been making up names and facts in order to sound like he knows what he’s talking about. At the weekly meeting of the Super Wrestling Friends Club at the Shrewsbury Buffalo Wild Wings location, Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Cruiserweights Give Enzo Amore A Christmas He’ll Never Forget

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 December 2017, 08:00

Hackensack, NJ – WWE’s Cruiserweights celebrated the holiday season together much to the chagrin of current Cruiserweight champion Enzo Amore. The stars of 205 Live played in the snow, ice skated, and enjoyed each other’s company. It made Amore sad. “Bah, humbug, yo,” said Amore starring out the window of his leopard-print covered apartment while all the other WWE Cruiserweights Continue Reading...

Headlies: Rob Van Dam Defends The WWE European Championship During Clash Of Champions

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 December 2017, 08:00

Boston, MA – In a shocking and unexpected move, former WWE star Rob Van Dam defended his WWE European Championship during Clash of Champions. A proud Van Dam confidently strode out in front of the crowd, casually hitting his classic “R-V-D” pose! The crowd reaction was a mixture of surprise and confusion, but Van Dam took it in stride. As Continue Reading...

Headlies: Local Independent Wrestler Hospitalized After Slapping His Thighs Too Much

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 December 2017, 08:00

Nashua, NH – Independent wrestler Johnny Flipz was hospitalized this weekend due to self-inflicted wounds to his thighs. Flipz was competing in the triple-threat main event of New Hampshire Pro Wrestling Syndicate’s annual “Live Free Or Piledrive” event at Sununu Elementary School against “The Mad Millienial” Matt Milbury and Sgt. Biff Flagg when the injury occurred. “I knew something was Continue Reading...

Headlies: Luchador on Local Indie Show Looks Suspiciously Familiar

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 December 2017, 08:00

(Today’s Headlie was written by Crapper Seth “Citizen Kane Dewey” Falvo. Thanks Seth!) Mena, AR – Despite being introduced as “a rising star in the underground Mexican wrestling scene” making a one-night only appearance in the United States, many fans in attendance for Saturday night’s Western Arkansas Championship Wrestling (WACW) event felt that promotional newcomer El Ganso Rojo, a luchador Continue Reading...

Headlies: Impact Wrestling Loses Millions During Black Friday Sale

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 November 2017, 08:00

Toronto, Canada – While many North American companies reaped the benefits of having Black Friday sales, Impact Wrestling reportedly lost a staggering amount of money. Although a “breakdown in communications” is the company’s official excuse as to why they had such poor and confusing sales, a closed-door meeting among Anthem Sports executives shed light on a litany of issues plaguing Continue Reading...

Headlies: Braun Strowman Invites The Gobbledy Gooker To Thanksgiving

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 November 2017, 08:00

Houston, TX – After competing in the traditional 5-on-5 Survivor Series Elimination Match, Braun Strowman invited WWE legend the Gobbledy Gooker to Thanksgiving. Over the past few years, the two have struck up an unlikely friendship as the Gooker has taken Strowman under his wings in a mentoring role. “The difference between NXT and the main roster is huge, and Continue Reading...

Headlies: Rusev Day Recognized As A National Holiday

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 November 2017, 08:00

Washington, DC – In a shocking turn of events, Congress has voted unanimously to make Rusev Day a national holiday. Despite ongoing gridlock in the nation’s capital, both Republicans and Democrats came together to honor WWE Superstar Rusev. The bill moved quickly through both the House and the Senate after a massive groundswell of support for the holiday at the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bray Wyatt Tries To Return Items To A Halloween Store

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 November 2017, 08:00

Zephyrhills, FL – WWE Superstar Bray Wyatt attempted to return Halloween decorations to his local Spirit Halloween store to no avail. Wyatt walked into the Spirit Halloween store and placed a box full of Halloween decorations and other assorted items on the counter. “Yes, ahem, I would like to return these items,” said Wyatt, squinting at the worker’s name tag. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Throws A Halloween Party

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 October 2017, 08:00

Greenwich, CT – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has enlisted the help of several WWE Superstars to ensure that his Halloween party is the best ever. Wrestlers gathered in the entry foyer of McMahon’s mansion which had recently been transformed for a Halloween party. Cobwebs had been stretched across the massive double staircase, plastic skeletons dangled from the expensive chandelier, and Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Tends To His Sick Wrestlers

10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 October 2017, 08:00

Minneapolis, MN – Matches for TLC were thrown in to chaos as both Roman Reigns and Bray Wyatt came down with a viral illness. Always concerned with the welfare of his Superstars, WWE CEO Vince McMahon skipped TLC and tended to the sick wrestlers. As a precautionary measure, McMahon sent both wrestlers to Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis. Wearing a Continue Reading...

Headlies: Lance Storm Joins Dancing With The Stars

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 October 2017, 08:00

Los Angeles, CA – In a surprise move, former WWE, WCW, and ECW wrestler Lance Storm has joined the popular dancing competition Dancing With The Stars. Following the increased viewership from wrestling fans after WWE star Nikki Bella joined the cast, network executives requested that another wrestler be added. “Thanks to Nikki, we’ve reached a whole new audience that was Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Young Bucks Try Out Some New Catchphrases

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 October 2017, 08:00

Piscataway, NJ – Popular independent pro wrestling tag team The Young Bucks tried out a number of new catchphrases during their main event match this weekend to the delight of those in attendance. The team, which consists of real life brothers Matt and Nick Jackson, recently received a cease and desist letter from WWE for their usage of the famed Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Brings Back The Bunkhouse Stampede

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 October 2017, 08:00

Uniondale, NY – After receiving a largely positive response for bringing back NWA/WCW’s event Starrcade, WWE has announced that they will also be bringing back the Bunkhouse Stampede. The Bunkhouse Stampede, which began in 1985, was a battle royal held by the NWA that often saw participants wearing cowboy boots and street clothes. Wrestling legend Dusty Rhodes won the event Continue Reading...