Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Phantom Fan Joins The Firefly Fun House

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 September 2020, 08:00

Snake Bight, FL – Bray Wyatt’s Firefly Fun House has grown by one with the addition of his newest friend, The Phantom Fan. The featureless Phantom Fan joins fellow Funhouse friends Ramblin’ Rabbit, Sister Abigail, Mercy, Huskus, and Wobbly Walrus. “Yowie, wowie!” exclaimed Wyatt. “Phantom Fan, I haven’t seen you since Wrestlemania! Welcome to the Firefly Fun House! Now Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cold Fish Joins All Elite Wrestling

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 September 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Hot off of the surprise acquisition of Miro, All Elite Wrestling has announced that they have also signed Miro’s former partner, a cold, dead fish. Cold Fish, last scene on WWE television being thrown at Lana, is just the latest former WWE star to appear in AEW. The signing has sent ripples of excitement throughout the wrestling Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Forces WWE Wrestlers To Use Tout

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 September 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Following Vince McMahon’s directive to close all third-party social media accounts, WWE wrestlers have now been instructed to set up accounts on Tout. Tout, a social media platform that specialized in 15-second videos, was heavily promoted by WWE in 2012. Despite investing $5 million into Tout, WWE left the partnership in 2014. The company became inactive Continue Reading...

Headlies: Retribution Have A Nice Day Off

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 31 August 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – After months of attacking various members of the WWE roster and disrupting television tapings, insurgent faction Retribution decided to reward themselves with a nice day off. Still wearing their trademark black masks, hoodies, and pants, the mysterious group entered Universal’s Island Of Adventure. Although they are bent on destroying the WWE, Retribution made sure to maintain at least Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Appearing On “WWE ThunderDome” Blocked By Other Fan’s Sign

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 August 2020, 08:00

Cape Girardeau, MO – WWE ThunderDome attendee Emmitt Emerson’s Summerslam viewing experience was ruined last night after another fan held up a sign for the entire event. Despite not actually being the same location, another fan’s sign blocked Emerson’s view for almost the entirety of the event. “Y’know, I was really excited to be in the audience as part of Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Launches “Shut Up And Give Chris Jericho $50” Group

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 August 2020, 08:00

Lake Keystone, FL – All Elite Wrestling has announced the creation of a new group for wrestling fans that want to give Chris Jericho their money. Dubbed “Shut Up And Give Chris Jericho $50”, AEW describes the group as a ‘community for wrestling fans who love wrestling, shutting up, and giving Chris Jericho $50.’ Following in the footsteps of Brandi Continue Reading...

Headlies: Don “The Rock” Muraco Buys The WBF

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 August 2020, 08:00

Sunset Beach, HI – WWE Hall of Famer Don “The Rock” Muraco shocked the business world this week by announcing that he has purchased the World Bodybuilding Federation. The WBF was the brainchild of WWE CEO Vince McMahon in 1990. Believing that competitive bodybuilding was the way of the future, the WBF held two Pay-Per-View events before disbanding in 1992. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Randy Hogan Answers The TNT Title Open Challenge

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 August 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Former NWA and WCW staple Randy Hogan has answered the TNT Champion Cody Rhodes’ open challenge and will be facing him on Dynamite. Hogan, who has rarely been seen since the mid 90’s issued a fiery promo on AEW Dark. “Oooooh, yeah, brother! These 24-inch pythons are the cream of the crop. Dig it, Jack!” screamed Hogan. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Stephanie McMahon Wants Us To Obey And Consume

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 July 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – After this week’s Monday Night Raw, WWE staff have installed giant video screens throughout the Performance Center. These screens will allow WWE CBO Stephanie McMahon to address her employees and Superstars at all times. “We care deeply about all of our employees,” said McMahon via Skype interview. “These screens, along with hidden cameras, listening devices, and heat Continue Reading...

Headlies: Rey Mysterio’s Damaged Eye Replaced With Googly Eye

10 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 July 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Quick-thinking medical staff replaced Rey Mysterio’s damaged eye last night with a googly eye found in the Costume Design department. The Eye For An Eye contest at last night’s Extreme Rules saw future WWE Hall of Famer take on Seth Rollins. Weeks ago, the “Monday Night Messiah” attacked Mysterio, damaging his eye on the corner of Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Dog-Faced Gremlin” Rick Steiner Demands Match Against Puppy MJF

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 July 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Former WCW star Rick “The Dog-Faced Gremlin” Steiner has issued an open challenge to Puppy MJF following his win at the AEW Puppy Battle Royale. Steiner, foaming at the chance for a match, vowed to come out of retirement to take on this four-legged newcomer. He expressed his desire to be the top dog in All Elite Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Celebrates The Great American Bashams

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 July 2020, 08:00

Columbus, OH – Following the success of this past week’s The Great American Bash on NXT, WWE has decided to keep the theme going with a new event called The Great American Bashams. Throughout the weekend, the WWE Network highlighted the career of Doug and Danny Basham. The former two-time WWE Tag Team Champions received the star treatment with an Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bored Undertaker Aimlessly Using His Powers Around The House

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 29 June 2020, 08:00

Austin, TX – After indicating that he is retiring from professional wrestling, boredom has already set in for The Undertaker. Despite doing occasional interviews through Skype, the Deadman he has had difficulty adjusting to domestic life. “It will take some time to get used to retirement,” said his wife, former WWE Diva Michelle McCool. “When he’s not leaving angry comments Continue Reading...

Headlies: “No Masks!” Declares Vince McMahon From Inside Protective Bubble

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 June 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon reiterated his declaration that Superstars, personal, and fans not wear masks. Despite his decree, McMahon himself has encased himself in a plastic sphere similar to the Bubble Boy, David Vetter. McMahon, who entered the protective bubble earlier this week, as opposed to the metaphorical one he’s lived in for the past 40 Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Now Selling Jeff Hardy’s Urine

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 June 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Over the weekend, Shop.WWE.com began selling actual urine samples from legendary Superstar Jeff Hardy. The sale, inspired by the on-screen drug test Hardy was forced to take by his nemesis Sheamus, featured genuine Jeff Hardy urine in a sterile container. Available in small, medium, large, and “Charismatic Asparagus”, the containers also feature original artwork by Hardy. What Continue Reading...

Headlies: Chris Jericho Faces Colt Cabana In A “Podcasting Microphone On A Pole Match”

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 June 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Chris Jericho took on Colt Cabana this weekend to determine which professional wrestling star was the best podcaster. The Battle Of The Podcasters, set to air on this week’s AEW Dynamite, was a natural progression of their feud from last week. Both Jericho and Cabana host successful wrestling podcasts and a simple grappling match could not contain Continue Reading...

Headlies: “The Greatest Wrestling Match Ever” Will Be Repurposed Savage-Steamboat Footage

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 June 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials have discovered a way to ensure that the advertised “Greatest Wrestling Match Ever” between Randy Orton and Edge at Backlash will indeed be the world’s greatest wrestling match. WWE CEO Vince McMahon and his writing team have been scrambling for weeks trying to think of a way to actually make another Orton-Edge match great. After Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kairi Sane Joins Jethro Tull

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 May 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – WWE Superstar Kairi Sane has officially joined British classic rock band Jethro Tull as their new flutist. At last Monday’s Raw, Sane honored her friend Asuka’s WWE Raw Women’s Championship coronation with a beautiful flute solo. Though it was interrupted by Nia Jax, the brief concert did not go unnoticed in the music world. “She really was Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Cursed With Seven More Years Of Baron Corbin

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 May 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Tragic news hit the WWE Universe last Sunday during the Money In The Bank Match as fans came to the horrifying realization that they would be stuck with Baron Corbin for seven more years. The disturbing news followed after Corbin broke a mirror in the gym at Titan Tower during the event. In the mad dash for Continue Reading...

Headlies: Otis Gets Middle Management Job After Money In The Bank Match

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 May 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – After obtaining the Money In The Bank Briefcase, WWE Superstar Otis Dozovic ended up gaining a new job in WWE’s corporate office. The beloved Superstar raced through Titan Tower along with Rey Mysterio, Baron Corbin, Aleister Black, AJ Styles, and Daniel Bryan in order to win the Money In The Bank briefcase. The battle spilled throughout WWE’s Continue Reading...

Headlies: Parts Unknown Extends Lockdown

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 May 2020, 08:00

Parts Unknown – The residents of Parts Unknown must continue their lockdown for another two months, according to instructions by the local government. Parts Unknown, which exists outside time and space, has been a refuge for masked, face-painted, and generally weird professional wrestlers for decades. This mysterious land serves as a home for such grapplers as The Ultimate Warrior, The Continue Reading...

Headlies: Gronk Returns Half-Eaten WWE 24/7 Championship

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 April 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski was forced to relinquish the 24/7 championship this morning to WWE CEO Vince McMahon. Gronk, who recently rejoined the NFL as a member of the Tamp Bay Buccaneers, acknowledged the difficult decision to give up the belt. “I just want to say ‘Thank you’ to WWE and to Mr. McMahon,” said Gronk, tears Continue Reading...

Headlies: Doctors, Nurses, Food Service Workers Applaud Wrestlers

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 April 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – On Sunday night at 7:00pm, doctors, nurses, and food service workers surrounded WWE’s Performance Center and applauded. Last week, Florida governor Ron DeSantis declared that WWE was an “essential business”. This decision has allowed WWE to continue producing live shows despite the continuing pandemic. A social media movement to show support for these newly designated essential Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Doctor Of Style” Slick Urges People To Stay Home

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 April 2020, 08:00

Louisville, KY – Legendary WWF manager Slick, commonly known as “The Doctor Of Style” is urging people to continue social distancing by staying at home. Slick, who managed The Twin Towers, The Bolsheviks, and Kamala, has taken to the airwaves to help stop the spread of COVID-19. Stationed at the University of Louisville Hospital, Slick has been assisting in style-related Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kairi Sane Steals Pirate Ship From Raymond James Stadium

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 April 2020, 08:00

Tampa, FL – Searching for her own “Wrestlemania Moment” this weekend, beloved Superstar Kairi Sane snuck into Raymond James Stadium and stole the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’’ iconic pirate ship. Due to the global pandemic, Wrestlemania plans have been thrown into chaos over recent weeks. Typically a weeklong celebration of professional wrestling and sports entertainment, this year’s Wrestlemania has been marred Continue Reading...

Headlies: 93,174 Attend Wrestlemania Says Vince McMahon

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 April 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – WWE officials announced this morning that they have broken their Wrestlemania attendance record. In a conference call, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made the historic announcement. “It was an amazing Wrestlemania weekened,” he said proudly. “The card was so big we had to spread it over two nights. Great matches! Title changes! Gronk! The WWE Universe had the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Wrestlemania “Boneyard Match” To Take Place In An Abandoned BBQ Restaurant

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 March 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Leaked footage of next week’s Boneyard Match between The Undertaker and AJ Styles shows that the two Superstars will be duking it out in an empty barbecue restaurant. The incomplete video, which first appeared on Youtube last night, features the competitors inside the recently shuttered Bubba’s Boneyard Bar-B-Que on Pine Road. Although the footage appears to Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Revealed As The Exalted One

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 March 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – In a stunning swerve, WWE CEO Vince McMahon was revealed to be The Dark Order’s leader, The Exalted One. Although newcomer Brodie Lee was shown to be The Exalted One on this past week’s Dynamite, viewers of AEW’s new Youtube show “Dark After Midnight” saw the true leader was none other than the head of WWE. The Continue Reading...

Headlies: Wrestlemania Moved To The Impact Zone

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 March 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and restricted travel, WWE has been forced to change locations for Wrestlemania 36 to the Impact Zone. Originally, the “Showcase Of The Immortals” was take place at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on April 5th. City officials were unwilling to continue hosting the event, so WWE had to look for an Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Mourn The Loss Of “Dashing” Cody Rhodes

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 March 2020, 08:00

Salt Lake City, UT – The pro-wrestling community is currently mourning the loss of former WWE gimmick “Dashing” Cody Rhodes. The gimmick, which focused on Rhodes’ handsome looks, was pronounced deceased minutes after Rhodes revealed a large tattoo on his neck. The tattoo, a red, white, and blue American Nightmare logo, received widespread scorn and mockery in and out of Continue Reading...