Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: “Hi, I’m Mr. Brell. Welcome to Jockass!”

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 January 2022, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – The wrestling and media world were shocked today by the resurrection of the World Television Network, the miraculous return of head executive Tom Brell, and the announcement of the station’s new flagship show Jockass. “’Jockass’ is the future of television” stated Brell proudly in a press conference earlier today. “Equal parts professional wrestling and dummies hurting each Continue Reading...

Headlies: Julia Hart Falls Off The Face Of The Earth

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 January 2022, 08:00

Cambridge, MN – After a long and thorough investigation, AEW officials have determined that Julia Hart has fallen completely off the face of the earth. The bubbly cheerleader has not been seen on television since she was blinded by Malakai Black’s black mist. Despite a few scheduled tweets, the Varsity Blonds valet has not been heard from in weeks. “We’ve Continue Reading...

Headlies: Yule Log Destroys Raw And Dynamite In The Ratings

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 December 2021, 08:00

New York, NY – The revelation that the Yule log absolutely obliterated both Monday Night Raw and Wednesday Night Dynamite shocked the wrestling world and absolutely no one else. Despite running for 24 hours the entire week, ratings remained high, soundly defeating both wrestling programs. “The traditional burning log has been a Christmas-time television staple for years. It’s a built-in Continue Reading...

Headlies: Hook Named Time’s Person Of The Year

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 December 2021, 08:00

Massapequa, NY – In a stunning reversal, Time Magazine has replaced Elon Musk as their Person Of The Year with AEW wrestler Hook. Last week, controversial Tesla and SpaceX head Elon Musk, was named Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year. Following several days of bad publicity, Time’s editorial board reconvened to consider a replacement. After several seconds of discussion, the Continue Reading...

Headlies: MJF Receives Traditional Long Island Welcome Home

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 December 2021, 08:00

Long Island, NY – Hated AEW mainstay MJF returned home on this past week’s Dynamite and received a traditional Long Island welcome. The local people greeted MJF as he descended the stairs from his private jet at Long Island MacArthur Airport. MJF was met with open arms and extended middle fingers, as is to be expected by anyone entering Long Continue Reading...

Headlies: Brandi Rhodes Goes To ‘Extreme’ Lengths To Remove Cody’s Neck Tattoo

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 December 2021, 08:00

Atlanta, GA – Former Nightmare Collective leader Brandi Rhodes is resorting to extreme measures to remove the large tattoo on her husband Cody’s neck. The shocking plan was accidentally revealed backstage after Cody and Andrade El Idolo’s fiery Street Fight finish last week. While many saw the fight as unnecessary and a vain attempt at Cody trying to appeal to Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Gobbledy Gooker Revealed As The Golden Egg Thief Mastermind

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 29 November 2021, 08:00

Elmont, NY – Legendary wrestling turkey the Gobbledy Gooker was revealed this morning as the ring leader of the great Golden Egg theft of 2021. The extravagant Golden Egg, revealed at Survivor Series, went missing from Vince McMahon’s office during the annual event. A worldwide manhunt proved fruitless, until ska sleuth Sami Zayn uncovered Austin Theory as the culprit. Frustrated Continue Reading...

Headlies: 52-Year Old Man The Sole Survivor Of Watching Survivor Series

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 November 2021, 08:00

Colorado Springs, CO – Alton Humboldt, 52-year old father of three, was the sole survivor of his family’s attempt to sit through all of Survivor Series. The Humboldts, longtime WWE fans, tried to endure the incredibly long event. After many hours of pre-show, main show, and post-show analysis, only Alton remained. “Y’know, it wasn’t easy,” said Alton, his eyes Continue Reading...

Headlies: 48-Man Tag Team Match Announced For Dynamite

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 November 2021, 08:00

Norfolk, VA – All Elite Wrestling has announced a gargantuan 48-man tag team match for this week’s episode of Dynamite. “Full Gear was a major success,” said Khan. “Incredible action, amazing athleticism, and storytelling ruled the night. Almost everything went off without a hitch. Unfortunately, we couldn’t do everything we want in such a limited time.” Despite running for four Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Releases Stephanie McMahon

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 November 2021, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Citing budget cuts, WWE officially released Chief Branding Officer Stephanie McMahon this past weekend. The surprise firing came directly on the heels on releases of rising stars such as Karrion Kross, Keith Lee, and Franky Monet. Initially, journalists and fans did not pick up on the release. The news went under the radar for several days until Continue Reading...

Headlies: Chris Jericho Dresses As Every AEW Wrestler For Halloween

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 November 2021, 08:00

Odessa, FL – AEW star Chris Jericho spent yesterday’s Halloween trick or treating dressed as every AEW wrestler. The former AEW champion sported many of his fellow wrestlers’ signature looks while receiving candy from his neighbors. The turducken of Halloween costumes included Orange Cassidy’s sunglasses, MJF’s scarf, Cody’s neck tattoo, and hideous Young Bucks pants. Jericho also carried a large Continue Reading...

Headlies: King Woods To Marry Princess Peach In Royal Wedding

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 October 2021, 08:00

Mushroom Kingdom – Following his coronation on last week’s Smackdown, King Xaxier Woods announced he plans to wed Princess Peach next week. Woods recently won the King Of The Ring tournament in Saudi Arabia through sheer determination, grit, and a vocal fanbase on Twitter. With a crown atop his head and royal scepter in hand, Woods declared his everlasting love Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW Torrenting All Their New Dream Matches

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 October 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Late last night, All Elite Wrestling announced several “dream” matches and quickly uploaded them to several well-known torrent websites. The unique campaign follows the company’s recent move to have Bryan Danielson face Minoru Suzuki in a match shown on Youtube. While the general consensus among fans was overwhelmingly positive, many questioned the reasoning behind the logistics. Industry Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Upsets Everyone With Chief Jay Strongbow Statue

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 October 2021, 08:00

Pawhuska, OK – Controversy arose this morning as WWE dedicated a statue to former star Chief Jay Strongbow. The move has upset Native activists, Italian-Americans advocates, and wrestling fans alike. A star in the WWWF, Chief Jay Strongbow was known for his colorful war bonnet and “tomahawk” chops. While not the most proficient mat technician, Strongbow was most famous for Continue Reading...

Headlies: Arn Anderson’s “Glock” Edited Out Of Dynamite Promo

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 October 2021, 08:00

Rochester, NY – Wrestling legend Arn Anderson’s much-talked about promo on last week’s Dynamite has been edited for content. During the promo, the former NWA and WWF champion told Cody Rhodes with a scenario involving an armed robber and self-defense. Shaping his hand like a gun, Anderson pointed it to Rhodes’s head, saying, “I’d pull out the Glock, put it Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bryan Danielson And Kenny Omega Engage In Epic “Who’s On First” Confrontation At Grand Slam

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 September 2021, 08:00

Queens, NY – Fans witnessed an instant classic at last week’s Grand Slam as newcomer Brian Danielson met AEW champion Kenny Omega. Both wrestlers entered the ring as the stadium lights dimmed. A spotlight focused on the two mat masters. Danielson sported an old-timey St. Louis Wolves baseball uniform while Omega held a baseball bat. The audience sat in enraptured Continue Reading...

Headlies: New NXT Set Encourages Kids To Try This At Home

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 September 2021, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Further changes have been made to NXT this week featuring a new, more colorful, kid-friendly set. Among the additions are a full-sized jungle gym, a slide, and a ball pit. “The old NXT was too dark, too dingy,” explained WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “I moved sports entertainment out of the smoke-filled bingo halls in the 80’s Continue Reading...

Headlies: Gable Steveson To Fight Chad Gable For Use Of The Name Gable

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 September 2021, 08:00

Minneapolis, MN – WWE’s latest signing, Olympic hero Gable Steveson has already issued his first challenge to none other that WWE star Chad Gable. Steveson, a collegiate star who won gold at the Tokyo Olympics this summer, is a blue-chip prospect. WWE is doing everything they can to keep him happy, including a Name, Image, and Likeness deal. Part of Continue Reading...

Headlies: Young Bucks, Lucha Brothers Match Changes Earth’s Rotation

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 September 2021, 08:00

Hoffman Estates, IL – AEW’s tag team title match at All Out between the Young Bucks and Lucha Brothers was so action packed that it literally changed the world. Scientists have determined that the fast pace of the match, combined with the excessive amounts of flips and twists, actually caused Earth’s rotation to change. The energetic tag team cage match Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Creative Has Lots Of Ideas For Karrion Kross

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 August 2021, 08:00

Boston, MA – WWE CEO Vince McMahon has revealed the Creative has lots of ideas for their latest call-up, Karrion Kross. Since being called up to the main roster, Kross has been without his valet Scarlett and lost to Jeff Hardy, Last week, Kross began wearing a mask and warrior outfit, drawing comparisons to The Sultan and Farooq Asaad. According Continue Reading...

Headlies: Legendary Chicago Wrestler Debuts On Rampage

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 August 2021, 08:00

Chicago, IL – After weeks of gossip, hearsay, and rumors, legendary Chicago wrestler One Man Gang made his debut on AEW: Rampage. The live crowd, already buzzing in anticipation, roared with excitement when the familiar notes of Living Colour’s “Cult Of Personality” began playing. The moment they have been waiting years for had finally come true. After years of retirement, Continue Reading...

Headlies: The 5th Labor Of Jericho: Don’t Embarrass Yourself

0 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 August 2021, 08:00

Odessa, FL – This week, AEW star MJF unleashed his most daunting task for rival Chris Jericho to endure: Don’t embarrass yourself for a full 24 hours. Over the past few weeks, Jericho has had to endure the “Labors Of Jericho” set by MJF. After taking on Shawn Spears, Nick Gage, Juventud Guerrara, and Wardlow, MJF revealed the dastardly plot. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Tony Khan Still Trying To Edit This Week’s ‘Dark’ Episode

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 August 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – AEW boss Tony Khan has been working into the late hours, frantically trying to edit this week’s episode of AEW: Dark. Khan volunteered himself to edit the Youtube show this week after a large public outcry followed a disgustingly inappropriate rap from Max Caster. Unfortunately for Khan, the task has taken longer than expected. “I never wanted Continue Reading...

Headlies: New Vince McMahon Series Receives NC-17 Rating

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 August 2021, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – In an unprecedented move, the Motion Picture Association of America has preemptively given the upcoming Vince McMahon scripted series an NC-17 rating. The unprecedented decision has sent shockwaves throughout the wrestling and entertainment world. While still in early development The United States Of America Vs. Vince McMahon has garnered a significant amount of attention from the entertainment Continue Reading...

Headlies: Nick Gage Defeats Chris Jericho In A Dance Competition

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 July 2021, 08:00

Charlotte, NC – Deathmatch legends Nick Gage defeated Chris Jericho in a dazzling, if not unexpected, fashion this weekend. Instead of pitting the two in combat, AEW star MJF harkened back to his infamous dance routine with Jericho to inflict maximum pain. What Jericho and the world did not know was that the GCW star is a world-class dancer. Gage, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Excited To Finally Boo WWE In Person

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 July 2021, 08:00

Fort Worth, TX – WWE fans were elated to finally see WWE events live this weekend and boo the product vociferously. Following over a year of pandemic protocols, WWE has opened its doors to the general public for live events. After enduring cinematic matches, arson, zombie attacks, and magic, fans now have the chance to see their favorite WWE Superstars Continue Reading...

Headlies: Malaki Black Begins Eliminating Older AEW Wrestlers

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 July 2021, 08:00

Gatlin, NE – Newcomer Malaki Black has begun culling All Elite Wrestling’s older roster members in a devious and slightly cultish plot. After his vicious attack against Arn Anderson, the enigmatic Black systematically dismantled Tully Blanchard, Konnan, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts. No older members of the roster have escaped Black’s grasp. On a cross-country trip to promote a new Continue Reading...

Headlies: AEW’s First Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest Plagued With Injuries

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 July 2021, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Tragedy struck All Elite Wrestling’s First Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest this Fourth of July as a number of injuries ruined the event. The mandatory fun-filled day in the sun was devised by AEW CEO Tony Khan in hopes of building community and spreading cheer. It was also a good excuse to finish the surplus food from Continue Reading...

Headlies: King Nakamura Throws Baron Corbin In The Tower Of London

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 June 2021, 08:00

London, UK – Newly crowned King Shinsuke Nakamura enacted his first ruling as WWE King by throwing Baron Corbin into the Tower of London. By royal decree, and in agreement with the British government in exchange for a trio of WWE shows on their soil, Corbin was dragged extradited from the United States. Forced onto a plane and surrounded by Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cameron Grimes Launches New “Grimes Dimes” Cryptocurrency

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 June 2021, 08:00

Miami, FL – Following in AEW wrestler MJF’s footsteps, NXT star Cameron Grimes has started his own cryptocurrency. “I heard this thing on the internet about some sort of Crypt Keeper currency and knew I had to get in on that,” said Grimes aboard his yacht. “You ever see that Crypt Keeper, fella? Man, he is one spooky scary skeleton. Continue Reading...