Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Actor Joaquin Phoenix Set To Become The New Doink

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 September 2018, 08:00

Los Angeles, CA – Actor Joaquin Phoenix has announced that he will become the latest incarnation of Doink The Clown in WWE. Phoenix, famous for his roles in movies such as Signs, Walk The Line, and Gladiator, set the entertainment world ablaze this week when pictures of him dressed as a clown surfaced. While many believed the pictures were from Continue Reading...

Headlies: Hell In A Cell Accidentally Sent To Hell, Michigan

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 September 2018, 08:00

Hell, MI – A mix-up in WWE’s shipping department sent the giant 5-sided red structure to the small town of Hell, Michigan and left the pay-per-view without it’s namesake cage. The giant structure was accidentally sent to Michigan due to an error with Shop.WWE.com. “Near as we can tell, someone ordered a Hell In A Cell playset and the Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Butcher” Vachon Comes Out Of Retirement To Teach Young Wrestlers A Lesson

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 September 2018, 08:00

Rutland, VT – Wrestling legend Paul “Butcher” Vachon has come out of retirement and returned to the ring for one last shot at championship gold. Vachon, most famous for winning various tag team championships with his brother Maurice “Mad Dog” Vachon, has been having tag team matches on the independent New England wrestling scene. While many are surprised that Vachon Continue Reading...

Headlies: Eric Bischoff Finally Reads “The Death Of WCW”

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 September 2018, 10:20

Schaumburg, IL – As the crowds dissipated and the lights faded from Starrcast, former WCW owner Eric Bischoff did something he thought he would never do: read RD Reynolds’ and Bryan Alvarez’s comprehensive book The Death Of WCW. The Death of WCW panel, which became heated at several points as Bischoff hurled insults at a calm and diplomatic Reynolds, was Continue Reading...

Headlies: The OGz To Face LAX In A Lowrider Sumo Match

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 August 2018, 08:00

Toronto, Ontario CA – Following the horrific hit-and-run murder of their friend Richie, LAX have vowed revenge on The OGz by challenging them to a lowrider sumo match. “Kingston, Homicide, and Hernandez are going to pay,” said Konnan. “They came into our neighborhood, disrespected the block, and took our poor little Richie. He was the light of my life. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Becky Lynch Buries Charlotte Flair With Becky Lynch Dolls

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 August 2018, 08:00

Brooklyn, NY – Beloved Superstar Becky Lynch turned Charlotte Flair following the Smackdown Women’s title at Summerslam in a stunning an unexpected fashion. Lynch battled with Charlotte Flair and Carmella in a see-saw match. Flair dominated most of the match with her technical skills and Carmella tried to cheat at every turn. Lynch, with the crowd solidly behind her, rallied Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Meat Eric Bischoff” Added To Starrcast

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 August 2018, 08:00

Chicago, IL – Starrcast, the wrestling fan convention being held in conjunction with the upcoming wrestling event All In, has added a special meet and greet to the list of events. Dubbed “Meat Eric Bischoff” fans will now get a chance to purchase meat directly from the former head of WCW. “We want to give the fans something special at Continue Reading...

Headlies: Brock Lesnar Starts A Book Club

11 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 August 2018, 08:00

(Image VIA) Jacksonville, FL – While most fans were discussing Brock Lesnar’s explosive return to Monday Night Raw last week, the sight of Lesnar reading a magazine backstage caught many off guard. “People forget that I went to college. Sure, I was there to wrestle, but I was also there to get an education,” said Lesnar matter-of-factly. “I’m not some Continue Reading...

Headlies: Jackie Gayda – Trish Stratus Rematch Scheduled For ‘Evolution’

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 July 2018, 08:00

Miami, FL – The first match for WWE’s new all-female event “Evolution” was announced this past weekend. In a press conference before Monday Night Raw, Stephanie McMahon declared that WWE Hall of Famer Trish Stratus would return to the ring to face former Diva Jackie Gayda. “Evolution is the start of something special,” said McMahon. “The WWE Universe deserves Continue Reading...

Headlies: Nicholas Added To Roman Reigns-Bobby Lashley #1 Contender Match

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 July 2018, 08:00

Cincinnati, OH – Fans were stunned when Stephanie McMahon made her historic announcement on Monday Night Raw. Speculation had been running wild with many believing the announcement would reveal new Women’s Tag Team belts or the return of WWF ice cream bars. “Well, I’ve done it again,” bragged McMahon to the live crowd. “I, Stephanie McMahon, the beautiful genius, have Continue Reading...

Headlies: Shark Accidentally Left Inside Cage With James Ellsworth

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 July 2018, 08:00

Pittsburgh, PA – A series of errors at last night’s Extreme Rules event led to a shark accidentally being left inside the cage used to hold James Ellsworth above the ring. The regrettable event took place during last night’s match between Asuka and Carmella for the Smackdown Women’s Championship. To prevent Ellsworth from interfering in the match, he was placed Continue Reading...

Headlies: Green Shirt Guy To Be Used As A Weapon At Extreme Rules

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 July 2018, 08:00

Boston, MA – In a first for WWE, a fan will be a legal weapon during all matches at Extreme Rules. The surprise announcement was made by WWE COO Triple H live on Monday Night Raw. Triple H, wearing his coolest leather jacket, gave a patented extended promo to start the show. He passionately laid out the history of Extreme Continue Reading...

WWE: Inflatable Tube Men Hold Intervention For Bayley

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 July 2018, 08:00

Sioux Falls, SD – Following her vicious attack on former friend Sasha Banks, Bayley was given an intervention by her wacky waving inflatable tube men. The Tube Men, usually seen during Bayley’s entrance to the ring, gathered in Conference Room B of the Denny Sanford Premier Center. Joining the Tube Men was world-renowned therapist Dr. Shelby. “I’d like to Continue Reading...

Headlies: 205 Live Roster To Fight Over Money In The Bank Coin Purse

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 June 2018, 08:00

San Diego, CA – At a locker room meeting with the wrestlers from 205 Live, WWE CEO Vince McMahon announced that they would be participating in their own Money In The Bank Ladder match. The locker room buzzed with excitement, the possibilities of incredible high spots and daring aerial moves flying through their heads. The Luchadores huddled together immediately while Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Announces “Ronda Rousey Walking Simulator” Video Game

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 June 2018, 08:00

Los Angeles, CA – The biggest news to come out of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, also known as E3, was the surprise announcement of the new WWE video game “Ronda Rousey Walking Simulator”. Fans crowded into Annex Room C to watch stylistic video package narrated in-person by WWE CEO Vince McMahon. Many assumed that this would be the reveal for Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Cleveland Cavaliers Sign Basket Case

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 June 2018, 08:00

Cleveland, OH – Following their devastating sweep at the hands of the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced that they have signed former WCW star Basket Case. Fielding questions from the press Monday morning, General Manager Koby Altman stated that the signing had been months in the making. “The time to rebuild is now. We Continue Reading...

Headlies: Dixie Carter Stars In An Episode Of “Undercover Boss”

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 June 2018, 08:00

Toronto, ON – In an effort to stay one step ahead of WWE, Dixie Carter recently filmed an episode of the television show “Undercover Boss”. The show features the head of a company wearing a disguise and posing as a new hire to learn about their company and some of the workers. Over the course of a day, Carter, sporting Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Observes Memorial Day By Remembering Forgotten Angles

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 28 May 2018, 08:00

Richmond, VA – In honor of Memorial Day, WWE remembered various wrestling angles that have been forgotten over the years. The entire Raw locker room gathered on stage in front of the live audience. Several Superstars sported black armbands and commemorative shirts with “#ForgottenAngles”. Members of the WWE Universe removed their hats and solemnly bowed their heads. A beautiful tribute Continue Reading...

Headlies: Wrestling Nobility Attends The Royal Wedding

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 21 May 2018, 08:00

Windsor, UK – The wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was a fairy tale event complete with all the pomp and circumstance one would expect from royalty. While the ceremony at Windsor Castle featured several celebrities in the crowd such as Oprah, George Clooney, and Serena Williams, multiple aristocrats were there as well. Along with King Vitamin and Continue Reading...

Headlies: Cody Rhodes To Take On “Doink” At All In

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 14 May 2018, 08:00

Chicago, IL – Wrestling fans were stunned yesterday when Cody Rhodes announced that he would be facing WWF legend Doink The Clown in the main event of All In. All In, an independent wrestling event put together by former WWE star Cody Rhodes, has received incredible amounts of attention. Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Marty Scurll, and Rey Mysterio will Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kane To Face Impostor Kane In Mayoral Election

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 07 May 2018, 08:00

Knox County, TN – The political world was shocked today when WWE Superstar Kane’s opponent for Knox County mayor was revealed to be none other than Impostor Kane. The fake Kane, last seen being unmasked and thrown out of a WWE event in the mid 2000’s, has been quietly campaigning in the area for several months. Hours of door knocking, Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Gives Saudi Royal Family Curt Hawkins As A Gift

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 April 2018, 08:00

Jeddah, Saudi Arabia – As a token of his appreciation for hosting the Greatest Royal Rumble, Vince McMahon has given WWE Superstar Curt Hawkins as a gift to the hosts of the event. “We have had an absolutely incredible time here in Saudi Arabia,” said McMahon in a press conference. “The people, the culture, the food. The piles of money Continue Reading...

Headlies: The Rock To Star In ‘Centipede’ Movie

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 April 2018, 08:00

Hollywood, CA – Following the surprise success of Rampage, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has agreed to start in the new Centipede movie. “The Rock is proud of every movie he’s starred in,” said The Rock. “From Race To Witch Mountain all the way to Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, they’ve all been winners. There’s something special about Rampage, though. The Continue Reading...

Headlies: Nicholas To Face Necro Butcher At CZW’s Tournament Of Death

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 April 2018, 08:00

Townsend, DE – The wrestling world was stunned today with the announcement that former WWE tag team champion Nicholas will be taking on the Necro Butcher at CZW’s Tournament of Death. The event, which takes place in an empty field in Delaware, has become famous for extreme acts of violence and mayhem. It is not uncommon for wrestlers to leave Continue Reading...

Headlies: Thousands Of Fans Wear The Same Bullet Club Shirt To Wrestlemania

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 April 2018, 08:00

New Orleans, LA – Fans in attendance for Wrestlemania were shocked and embarrassed to find that thousands of others in attendance were wearing the same exact Bullet Club shirt. “I knew something was wrong when I got on the plane to come here and saw about 30 Bullet Club shirts,” said professional Fortnite player Jeff Slater. “I figured they’d Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Staff Already Ignoring Kid Rock

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 April 2018, 08:00

New Orleans, LA – WWE officials, staff members, and Superstars have all collectively started to ignore Hall of Fame Inductee Kid Rock. The rap/rock/country artist arrived in New Orleans early this morning to go through a walk-through for his WWE Hall of Fame inductions. The wrestling world was shocked when he was announced alongside beloved professional wrestling figures as Goldberg Continue Reading...

Headlies: Shane McMahon To Jump Off Of Braun Strowman At Wrestlemania

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 26 March 2018, 08:00

Pittsburgh, PA – Although he does not officially have a match for Wrestlemania, Shane McMahon has already announced that he plans to jump off of Braun Strowman. McMahon has made a name for himself in recent years by jumping off of incredibly tall structures during matches. He famously jumped off an ambulance, the Titantron, and the Hell In A Cell. Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Announces The Inaugural “Matilda Memorial Battle Royal”

15 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 19 March 2018, 08:00

Stamford, CT – At a press conference earlier today, WWE officials announced that Wrestlemania will be hosting the inaugural all-animal Matilda Memorial Battle Royal. “The fur is really going to fly at this year’s Wrestlemania as thirty animals will battle in a WWE ring,” said Chief Brand Officer Stephanie McMahon. “Strong. Powerful. Smelly. These unique Superstars have set the bar Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Already Ready For Wrestlemania

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 12 March 2018, 08:00

Red Springs, NC – Die-hard pro wrestling fan Aiden Garcia is already prepared to watch Wrestlemania despite the event not taking place for another four weeks. “I’ve been waiting all year for this and I’m not going to miss a single second,” said the unmarried 36-year-old. “I’m on the road to Wrestlemania and nothing is going to detour me. Not Continue Reading...

Headlies: Ronda Rousey Sent Down To OVW For Training

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 05 March 2018, 08:00

Louisville, KY – After her performance on last week’s Monday Night Raw, WWE officials have sent recent signee Ronda Rousey to Ohio Valley Wrestling for training and seasoning. “We had really high hopes. Possibly too high,” said Triple H. “It’s already pretty obvious that Ronda isn’t quite ready for the WWE way of doing things. That hip toss at Elimination Continue Reading...