Category Archive for "Headlies" | WrestleCrap – The Very Worst of Pro Wrestling!

Headlies: Bored Undertaker Aimlessly Using His Powers Around The House

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 29 June 2020, 08:00

Austin, TX – After indicating that he is retiring from professional wrestling, boredom has already set in for The Undertaker. Despite doing occasional interviews through Skype, the Deadman he has had difficulty adjusting to domestic life. “It will take some time to get used to retirement,” said his wife, former WWE Diva Michelle McCool. “When he’s not leaving angry comments Continue Reading...

Headlies: “No Masks!” Declares Vince McMahon From Inside Protective Bubble

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 22 June 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon reiterated his declaration that Superstars, personal, and fans not wear masks. Despite his decree, McMahon himself has encased himself in a plastic sphere similar to the Bubble Boy, David Vetter. McMahon, who entered the protective bubble earlier this week, as opposed to the metaphorical one he’s lived in for the past 40 Continue Reading...

Headlies: WWE Now Selling Jeff Hardy’s Urine

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 15 June 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Over the weekend, Shop.WWE.com began selling actual urine samples from legendary Superstar Jeff Hardy. The sale, inspired by the on-screen drug test Hardy was forced to take by his nemesis Sheamus, featured genuine Jeff Hardy urine in a sterile container. Available in small, medium, large, and “Charismatic Asparagus”, the containers also feature original artwork by Hardy. What Continue Reading...

Headlies: Chris Jericho Faces Colt Cabana In A “Podcasting Microphone On A Pole Match”

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 08 June 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – Chris Jericho took on Colt Cabana this weekend to determine which professional wrestling star was the best podcaster. The Battle Of The Podcasters, set to air on this week’s AEW Dynamite, was a natural progression of their feud from last week. Both Jericho and Cabana host successful wrestling podcasts and a simple grappling match could not contain Continue Reading...

Headlies: “The Greatest Wrestling Match Ever” Will Be Repurposed Savage-Steamboat Footage

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 01 June 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – WWE officials have discovered a way to ensure that the advertised “Greatest Wrestling Match Ever” between Randy Orton and Edge at Backlash will indeed be the world’s greatest wrestling match. WWE CEO Vince McMahon and his writing team have been scrambling for weeks trying to think of a way to actually make another Orton-Edge match great. After Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kairi Sane Joins Jethro Tull

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 25 May 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – WWE Superstar Kairi Sane has officially joined British classic rock band Jethro Tull as their new flutist. At last Monday’s Raw, Sane honored her friend Asuka’s WWE Raw Women’s Championship coronation with a beautiful flute solo. Though it was interrupted by Nia Jax, the brief concert did not go unnoticed in the music world. “She really was Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Cursed With Seven More Years Of Baron Corbin

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 18 May 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – Tragic news hit the WWE Universe last Sunday during the Money In The Bank Match as fans came to the horrifying realization that they would be stuck with Baron Corbin for seven more years. The disturbing news followed after Corbin broke a mirror in the gym at Titan Tower during the event. In the mad dash for Continue Reading...

Headlies: Otis Gets Middle Management Job After Money In The Bank Match

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 11 May 2020, 08:00

Stamford, CT – After obtaining the Money In The Bank Briefcase, WWE Superstar Otis Dozovic ended up gaining a new job in WWE’s corporate office. The beloved Superstar raced through Titan Tower along with Rey Mysterio, Baron Corbin, Aleister Black, AJ Styles, and Daniel Bryan in order to win the Money In The Bank briefcase. The battle spilled throughout WWE’s Continue Reading...

Headlies: Parts Unknown Extends Lockdown

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 04 May 2020, 08:00

Parts Unknown – The residents of Parts Unknown must continue their lockdown for another two months, according to instructions by the local government. Parts Unknown, which exists outside time and space, has been a refuge for masked, face-painted, and generally weird professional wrestlers for decades. This mysterious land serves as a home for such grapplers as The Ultimate Warrior, The Continue Reading...

Headlies: Gronk Returns Half-Eaten WWE 24/7 Championship

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 April 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski was forced to relinquish the 24/7 championship this morning to WWE CEO Vince McMahon. Gronk, who recently rejoined the NFL as a member of the Tamp Bay Buccaneers, acknowledged the difficult decision to give up the belt. “I just want to say ‘Thank you’ to WWE and to Mr. McMahon,” said Gronk, tears Continue Reading...

Headlies: Doctors, Nurses, Food Service Workers Applaud Wrestlers

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 April 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – On Sunday night at 7:00pm, doctors, nurses, and food service workers surrounded WWE’s Performance Center and applauded. Last week, Florida governor Ron DeSantis declared that WWE was an “essential business”. This decision has allowed WWE to continue producing live shows despite the continuing pandemic. A social media movement to show support for these newly designated essential Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Doctor Of Style” Slick Urges People To Stay Home

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 April 2020, 08:00

Louisville, KY – Legendary WWF manager Slick, commonly known as “The Doctor Of Style” is urging people to continue social distancing by staying at home. Slick, who managed The Twin Towers, The Bolsheviks, and Kamala, has taken to the airwaves to help stop the spread of COVID-19. Stationed at the University of Louisville Hospital, Slick has been assisting in style-related Continue Reading...

Headlies: Kairi Sane Steals Pirate Ship From Raymond James Stadium

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 April 2020, 08:00

Tampa, FL – Searching for her own “Wrestlemania Moment” this weekend, beloved Superstar Kairi Sane snuck into Raymond James Stadium and stole the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’’ iconic pirate ship. Due to the global pandemic, Wrestlemania plans have been thrown into chaos over recent weeks. Typically a weeklong celebration of professional wrestling and sports entertainment, this year’s Wrestlemania has been marred Continue Reading...

Headlies: 93,174 Attend Wrestlemania Says Vince McMahon

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 April 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – WWE officials announced this morning that they have broken their Wrestlemania attendance record. In a conference call, WWE CEO Vince McMahon made the historic announcement. “It was an amazing Wrestlemania weekened,” he said proudly. “The card was so big we had to spread it over two nights. Great matches! Title changes! Gronk! The WWE Universe had the Continue Reading...

Headlies: Wrestlemania “Boneyard Match” To Take Place In An Abandoned BBQ Restaurant

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 March 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Leaked footage of next week’s Boneyard Match between The Undertaker and AJ Styles shows that the two Superstars will be duking it out in an empty barbecue restaurant. The incomplete video, which first appeared on Youtube last night, features the competitors inside the recently shuttered Bubba’s Boneyard Bar-B-Que on Pine Road. Although the footage appears to Continue Reading...

Headlies: Vince McMahon Revealed As The Exalted One

8 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 March 2020, 08:00

Jacksonville, FL – In a stunning swerve, WWE CEO Vince McMahon was revealed to be The Dark Order’s leader, The Exalted One. Although newcomer Brodie Lee was shown to be The Exalted One on this past week’s Dynamite, viewers of AEW’s new Youtube show “Dark After Midnight” saw the true leader was none other than the head of WWE. The Continue Reading...

Headlies: Wrestlemania Moved To The Impact Zone

9 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 March 2020, 08:00

Orlando, FL – Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and restricted travel, WWE has been forced to change locations for Wrestlemania 36 to the Impact Zone. Originally, the “Showcase Of The Immortals” was take place at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida on April 5th. City officials were unwilling to continue hosting the event, so WWE had to look for an Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fans Mourn The Loss Of “Dashing” Cody Rhodes

7 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 09 March 2020, 08:00

Salt Lake City, UT – The pro-wrestling community is currently mourning the loss of former WWE gimmick “Dashing” Cody Rhodes. The gimmick, which focused on Rhodes’ handsome looks, was pronounced deceased minutes after Rhodes revealed a large tattoo on his neck. The tattoo, a red, white, and blue American Nightmare logo, received widespread scorn and mockery in and out of Continue Reading...

Headlies: Concession Stand Employee Reveals He Is A Seth Rollins Disciple

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 02 March 2020, 08:00

Brooklyn, NY – In a shocking turn of events, a concession stand employee at the Barclay’s Center ripped open his shirt to reveal that he is a disciple of “The Monday Night Messiah” Seth Rollins. Rodrigo “Hot Rod” Robles, a part-time Assistant Manager at Nathan’s Famous and diehard Rollins fan, spent his shift messing with the food of any Kevin Continue Reading...

Headlies: “Hit Matt Hardy With A Chair” Added To Wrestlemania Axxess

2 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 24 February 2020, 08:00

Tampa Bay, FL – At this year’s Wrestlemania Axxess, fans will now have the chance to hit WWE Superstar Matt Hardy with a steel chair. Following the brutal chair-based attack on Hardy by Randy Orton, WWE officials are looking to capitalize on the positive response. “Did you hear that reaction?” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon after Orton’s attack on Hardy. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Becky Lynch Tests Positive For Rabies

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 17 February 2020, 08:00

Everett, WA – Raw Women’s Champion Becky Lynch has tested positive for rabies days after receiving a bite by WWE Superstar Shayna Baszler. WWE officials suspected Lynch was not well during this morning’s walkthrough at the Angel of the Winds Arena. The normally calm and attentive Lynch was visibly aggressive, growling at members of the ring crew. Her condition quickly Continue Reading...

Headlies: Special Guest Gimp Added To MJF – Cody Rhodes Match

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 10 February 2020, 08:00

Chicago, IL – Following his brutal ten lashings given to him by MJF, Cody Rhodes has announced that their match at AEW Revolution will include a special guest gimp. Still sporting welts on his back, Rhodes announced the stipulation in an interview with Jennifer Decker. “I gave my word that I would endure everything that MJF could dish out,” explained Continue Reading...

Headlies: Jean-Pierre LaFitte Steals Chris Jericho’s Cruise Ship

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 03 February 2020, 08:00

Miami, FL – Miami Police have reported that the Norwegian Pearl cruise ship that recently Chris Jericho’s Rock ‘N’ Wrestling Rager, was stolen by former WWF star Jean-Pierre LaFitte. The ship, which was used to tape the January 22nd episode of AEW Dynamite, was docked at PortMiami for an extensive hosing and scrubbing. Somewhere between Saturday night and Sunday morning, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fake Cody Rhodes and Fake Chris Jericho Appear At The Royal Rumble

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 27 January 2020, 08:00

Houston, TX – In a surprisingly unsurprising move, WWE debuted and embarrassed “Cody Rhodes” and “Chris Jericho” at last night’s Royal Rumble. After Brock Lesnar entered the Rumble at number one, the two impersonators were led to the ring by Bruce Prichard. The Executive Producer of Smackdown, donning a black cowboy hat, introduced himself as “Texarkana”. “You want a war, Continue Reading...

Headlies: Fan Regrets Wishing For More Wrestling On A Monkey’s Paw

5 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 20 January 2020, 08:00

Duluth, MN – Diehard wrestling fan Henry Peterson now regrets wishing for more pro wrestling on a magical monkey’s paw. Peterson, who purchased the cursed object from a mysterious old man at a market in Marakesh, was unaware of its power. “At first, I didn’t really think much of it,” said Peterson, bathed in the warm glow of his television Continue Reading...

Headlies: Excalibur Removes His Mask, Terrifying AEW Employees

6 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 13 January 2020, 08:00

Miami, FL – All Elite Wrestling announcer Excalibur removed his mask at a company meeting this morning, terrifying and sickening his fellow employees. The former wrestler, who still wears his luchadore-style mask while calling AEW matches, addressed the group. “I’d given a lot of thought to what Brandi Rhodes said to me on last week’s show,” said Excalibur. “Ultimately, she’s Continue Reading...

Headlies: Rusev – Lana – Lashley – Liv Angle To Now Include Literal Car Wrecks

4 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 06 January 2020, 08:00

Oklahoma City, OK – After seeing the ratings success of the Lashley – Lana wedding on the last Monday Night Raw of 2019, Vince McMahon has demanded that actual car accidents be included in storyline. The decision came Monday morning during the creative team’s weekly meeting. “We need something big! Huge! Something that will force the WWE Universe to keep Continue Reading...

Headlies: Otis Dozovic To Be Dropped At Midnight On New Year’s Eve

1 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 30 December 2019, 08:00

New York, NY – Times Square New Year’s Eve organizers have announced that WWE Superstar Otis Dizovic will be replacing the traditional ball dropped at midnight. “We are incredibly excited to have Mr. Dozovic joining us,” said Times Square event organizer Belinda Accoune. “Fans were very excited when we revealed that Roman Reigns was going to have a wrestling match. Continue Reading...

Headlies: Bray Wyatt To Celebrate Christmas With The Miz’s Family

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 23 December 2019, 08:00

Thousand Oaks, CA – Following his triumphant win at TLC, Bray Wyatt will now be spending Christmas with The Miz’s family. Per the terms of their match at the most recent Pay-Per-View, WWE Universal Champion will now be celebrating the holidays with Miz’s wife Maryse and their children Madison and Monroe. Miz, who stated it was the most important match Continue Reading...

Headlies: NXT Launches New Podcast “2 Weeks With Triple H”

3 Submitted by Jordan Mishkin on Mon, 16 December 2019, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – WWE has announced the creation of their latest podcast “2 Weeks With Triple H”. The podcast will focus on the two glorious weeks that NXT won the Wednesday Night War against AEW. Broadcasting from a broom closet at the WWE Performance Center, the podcast recounts the two-month struggle between rival wrestling companies. Triple H, who runs Continue Reading...