Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: AEW To Release First-Person Psychological Horror Video Game

5 Submitted by on Mon, 16 November 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – In a phone call this morning, AEW CEO Tony Khan announced that AEW’s first video game will be a first-person psychological horror game and not a traditional wrestling game that many expected. “We here at AEW are all huge video game fans and we want to provide the fans something truly different,” said Khan. “A wrestling game Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fans Dreading Election References During Monday Night Raw

7 Submitted by on Mon, 09 November 2020, 08:00
Washington, D.C. – The WWE Universe is bracing themselves for many painful lines and skits referencing the presidential election on this week’s Monday Night Raw. Apprehension grew over the weekend as rumors spread of WWE procuring hundreds of miniature American flags. Pictures of red, white, and blue fireworks  at the Amway Center have been shared on Twitter. An article by Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Teens Missing After Entering Haunted Impact Zone

5 Submitted by on Mon, 02 November 2020, 08:00
  Orlando, FL – Authorities are reporting that four local teenagers have been missing since Halloween night. Friends report last seeing the group entering the former home of TNA Wrestling, the Impact Zone. Rumors have been rampant that the old, decrepit wrestling location has been haunted since its closing in 2018. “We’re still trying to piece together exactly what happened,” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Begins Production Of ‘Newsies’ Musical With Wrestling Legends

1 Submitted by on Mon, 26 October 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Building off of this past week’s Chris Jericho/MFJ musical number, All Elite Wrestling will now be producing their own version of the Broadway hit, Newsies. The musical, based off the 1992 Disney movie about the Newsboys Strike of 1899, will feature wrestling legends Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts in lead roles. “The response Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Now Using “Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal” For All Decisions

5 Submitted by on Mon, 19 October 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – After the positive feedback from reintroducing WCW’s iconic “Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal” on NXT, WWE officials have agreed to start using the wheel to make all of their decisions. WWE CEO Vince McMahon revealed the new contraption at a meeting this morning. “The truth of the matter is, no matter what we do, we’ll always Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Cody Rhodes Responds To Sporticus, Stephanie

4 Submitted by on Mon, 05 October 2020, 08:00
Lazy Town – AEW star Cody Rhodes issued a stinging rebuke this past Wednesday on Dynamite to his sworn enemies Sporticus and Stephanie. Sporting his newly-dyed and plastic-looking jet black hair and a purple and red striped jumpsuit, Rhodes shifted his attention away from Brodie Lee and the AEW Television championship. Citing his newfound love and junk food and watching Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Reveals How They Named Retribution Members

14 Submitted by on Mon, 28 September 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – At their weekly meeting, WWE Creative revealed the source behind the new name for members of Retribution. On last week’s Monday night Raw, the upstart faction Retribution revealed their themselves,” said Bruce Prichard. “No, wait. That doesn’t sound right. Last week, Retribution unveiled their members. Dang it. I mean they told us their names. There, that works.” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Phantom Fan Joins The Firefly Fun House

6 Submitted by on Mon, 21 September 2020, 08:00
  Snake Bight, FL – Bray Wyatt’s Firefly Fun House has grown by one with the addition of his newest friend, The Phantom Fan. The featureless Phantom Fan joins fellow Funhouse friends Ramblin’ Rabbit, Sister Abigail, Mercy, Huskus, and Wobbly Walrus. “Yowie, wowie!” exclaimed Wyatt. “Phantom Fan, I haven’t seen you since Wrestlemania! Welcome to the Firefly Fun House! Now Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Cold Fish Joins All Elite Wrestling

4 Submitted by on Mon, 14 September 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Hot off of the surprise acquisition of Miro, All Elite Wrestling has announced that they have also signed Miro’s former partner, a cold, dead fish. Cold Fish, last scene on WWE television being thrown at Lana, is just the latest former WWE star to appear in AEW. The signing has sent ripples of excitement throughout the wrestling Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Vince McMahon Forces WWE Wrestlers To Use Tout

2 Submitted by on Mon, 07 September 2020, 08:00
  Stamford, CT – Following Vince McMahon’s directive to close all third-party social media accounts, WWE wrestlers have now been instructed to set up accounts on Tout. Tout, a social media platform that specialized in 15-second videos, was heavily promoted by WWE in 2012. Despite investing $5 million into Tout, WWE left the partnership in 2014. The company became inactive Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Retribution Have A Nice Day Off

9 Submitted by on Mon, 31 August 2020, 08:00
Orlando, FL – After months of attacking various members of the WWE roster and disrupting television tapings, insurgent faction Retribution decided to reward themselves with a nice day off. Still wearing their trademark black masks, hoodies, and pants, the mysterious group entered Universal’s Island Of Adventure. Although they are bent on destroying the WWE, Retribution made sure to maintain at least Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Appearing On “WWE ThunderDome” Blocked By Other Fan’s Sign

7 Submitted by on Mon, 24 August 2020, 08:00
Cape Girardeau, MO – WWE ThunderDome attendee Emmitt Emerson’s Summerslam viewing experience was ruined last night after another fan held up a sign for the entire event. Despite not actually being the same location, another fan’s sign blocked Emerson’s view for almost the entirety of the event. “Y’know, I was really excited to be in the audience as part of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Launches “Shut Up And Give Chris Jericho $50” Group

6 Submitted by on Mon, 17 August 2020, 08:00
Lake Keystone, FL – All Elite Wrestling has announced the creation of a new group for wrestling fans that want to give Chris Jericho their money.  Dubbed “Shut Up And Give Chris Jericho $50”, AEW describes the group as a ‘community for wrestling fans who love wrestling, shutting up, and giving Chris Jericho $50.’ Following in the footsteps of Brandi Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Don “The Rock” Muraco Buys The WBF

3 Submitted by on Mon, 10 August 2020, 08:00
Sunset Beach, HI – WWE Hall of Famer Don “The Rock” Muraco shocked the business world this week by announcing that he has purchased the World Bodybuilding Federation. The WBF was the brainchild of WWE CEO Vince McMahon in 1990. Believing that competitive bodybuilding was the way of the future, the WBF held two Pay-Per-View events before disbanding in 1992. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Randy Hogan Answers The TNT Title Open Challenge

3 Submitted by on Mon, 03 August 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Former NWA and WCW staple Randy Hogan has answered the TNT Champion Cody Rhodes’ open challenge and will be facing him on Dynamite. Hogan, who has rarely been seen since the mid 90’s issued a fiery promo on AEW Dark. “Oooooh, yeah, brother! These 24-inch pythons are the cream of the crop. Dig it, Jack!” screamed Hogan. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Stephanie McMahon Wants Us To Obey And Consume

6 Submitted by on Mon, 27 July 2020, 08:00
Orlando, FL – After this week’s Monday Night Raw, WWE staff have installed giant video screens throughout the Performance Center. These screens will allow WWE CBO Stephanie McMahon to address her employees and Superstars at all times. “We care deeply about all of our employees,” said McMahon via Skype interview. “These screens, along with hidden cameras, listening devices, and heat Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Rey Mysterio’s Damaged Eye Replaced With Googly Eye

10 Submitted by on Mon, 20 July 2020, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – Quick-thinking medical staff replaced Rey Mysterio’s damaged eye last night with a googly eye found in the Costume Design department. The Eye For An Eye contest at last night’s Extreme Rules saw future WWE Hall of Famer take on Seth Rollins. Weeks ago, the “Monday Night Messiah” attacked Mysterio, damaging his eye on the corner of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “Dog-Faced Gremlin” Rick Steiner Demands Match Against Puppy MJF

1 Submitted by on Mon, 13 July 2020, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Former WCW star Rick “The Dog-Faced Gremlin” Steiner has issued an open challenge to Puppy MJF following his win at the AEW Puppy Battle Royale. Steiner, foaming at the chance for a match, vowed to come out of retirement to take on this four-legged newcomer. He expressed his desire to be the top dog in All Elite Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Celebrates The Great American Bashams

7 Submitted by on Mon, 06 July 2020, 08:00
Columbus, OH – Following the success of this past week’s The Great American Bash on NXT, WWE has decided to keep the theme going with a new event called The Great American Bashams. Throughout the weekend, the WWE Network highlighted the career of Doug and Danny Basham. The former two-time WWE Tag Team Champions received the star treatment with an Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Bored Undertaker Aimlessly Using His Powers Around The House

2 Submitted by on Mon, 29 June 2020, 08:00
Austin, TX – After indicating that he is retiring from professional wrestling, boredom has already set in for The Undertaker. Despite doing occasional interviews through Skype, the Deadman he has had difficulty adjusting to domestic life. “It will take some time to get used to retirement,” said his wife, former WWE Diva Michelle McCool. “When he’s not leaving angry comments Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “No Masks!” Declares Vince McMahon From Inside Protective Bubble

1 Submitted by on Mon, 22 June 2020, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – WWE CEO Vince McMahon reiterated his declaration that Superstars, personal, and fans not wear masks. Despite his decree, McMahon himself has encased himself in a plastic sphere similar to the Bubble Boy, David Vetter. McMahon, who entered the protective bubble earlier this week, as opposed to the metaphorical one he’s lived in for the past 40 Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Now Selling Jeff Hardy’s Urine

7 Submitted by on Mon, 15 June 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – Over the weekend, Shop.WWE.com began selling actual urine samples from legendary Superstar Jeff Hardy. The sale, inspired by the on-screen drug test Hardy was forced to take by his nemesis Sheamus, featured genuine Jeff Hardy urine in a sterile container. Available in small, medium, large, and “Charismatic Asparagus”, the containers also feature original artwork by Hardy.  What Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Chris Jericho Faces Colt Cabana In A “Podcasting Microphone On A Pole Match”

2 Submitted by on Mon, 08 June 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Chris Jericho took on Colt Cabana this weekend to determine which professional wrestling star was the best podcaster. The Battle Of The Podcasters, set to air on this week’s AEW Dynamite, was a natural progression of their feud from last week. Both Jericho and Cabana host successful wrestling podcasts and a simple grappling match could not contain Continue Reading...
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Headlies: “The Greatest Wrestling Match Ever” Will Be Repurposed Savage-Steamboat Footage

4 Submitted by on Mon, 01 June 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE officials have discovered a way to ensure that the advertised “Greatest Wrestling Match Ever” between Randy Orton and Edge at Backlash will indeed be the world’s greatest wrestling match. WWE CEO Vince McMahon and his writing team have been scrambling for weeks trying to think of a way to actually make another Orton-Edge match great. After Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kairi Sane Joins Jethro Tull

5 Submitted by on Mon, 25 May 2020, 08:00
Orlando, FL – WWE Superstar Kairi Sane has officially joined British classic rock band Jethro Tull as their new flutist. At last Monday’s Raw, Sane honored her friend Asuka’s WWE Raw Women’s Championship coronation with a beautiful flute solo. Though it was interrupted by Nia Jax, the brief concert did not go unnoticed in the music world. “She really was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Otis Gets Middle Management Job After Money In The Bank Match

2 Submitted by on Mon, 11 May 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – After obtaining the Money In The Bank Briefcase, WWE Superstar Otis Dozovic ended up gaining a new job in WWE’s corporate office. The beloved Superstar raced through Titan Tower along with Rey Mysterio, Baron Corbin, Aleister Black, AJ Styles, and Daniel Bryan in order to win the Money In The Bank briefcase. The battle spilled throughout WWE’s Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Parts Unknown Extends Lockdown

5 Submitted by on Mon, 04 May 2020, 08:00
Parts Unknown – The residents of Parts Unknown must continue their lockdown for another two months, according to instructions by the local government. Parts Unknown, which exists outside time and space, has been a refuge for masked, face-painted, and generally weird professional wrestlers for decades. This mysterious land serves as a home for such grapplers as The Ultimate Warrior, The Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Gronk Returns Half-Eaten WWE 24/7 Championship

2 Submitted by on Mon, 27 April 2020, 08:00
Winter Park, FL – Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski was forced to relinquish the 24/7 championship this morning to WWE CEO Vince McMahon. Gronk, who recently rejoined the NFL as a member of the Tamp Bay Buccaneers, acknowledged the difficult decision to give up the belt. “I just want to say ‘Thank you’ to WWE and to Mr. McMahon,” said Gronk, tears Continue Reading...
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